I'm a poo stain advisor.

I'm often asked if there's any other special skills that I possess alongside all the wonderful talents that I also possess such as cartooning, sprititualism, drain and sink unblocker, search engine optimisation, world peace envoy, psychologist and drame coach. Well I'm also a fully qualified poo stain advisor. I'm thinking of setting up my own poo hot line to advise pet owners and those living with elderly relatives on the best approach to various stains and mis-haps on various floor surfaces.

Puppy poo is possibly the most common stain within the home. The best approach is to NOT PANIC. At the first signs of the puppy doing a poo it's very important to remove the puppy from the area (as the puppy might stand in the poo and spread it all over the house). I suggest that the puppy is taken outside and left there for some time to comtemplate it's actions. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: If you live in a 5th floor flat then DO NOT PUT THE PUPPY OUTSIDE. It will surely die, and while this will solve any future poo stain dramas, the sight of a five year old girl crying herself to sleep for months on end is not something I would want anyone else to go through.

Now to deal with the poo. How to deal with poo on carpet and how to deal with poo on a hard floor is entirely different. With one, you can sometimes just scrape, with the other you'll have to consider a commercially available cleaner.

What sort of poo is it? If it's a hard one then it might be possible to just pick it up and place it in a BIN OUTSIDE! This is very important. Do not place the poo in a waste paper basket in your office. You'll loose clients, take it from me! If it is a soft one then you might want to consider how well it matches the colour of the carpet before you start rubbing vigorously with your kitchen towel roll paper.

Well I hope that gives some hope to cartoonists having to deal with poo and other normal people who might have messy puppies. I can't go into detail about elderly relatives, as the wife has just informed me that my bath is ready, and "won't stay hot for very long".