Man bites off his own ear.

News reports are coming in from Betty across the road that last night there was an altercation with the Police, and the man that was being in the processed of being arrested, bite off his own ear!

Unfortunately, I have been unable to verify this report and have not got photographic evidence of this event, but I managed to find this on Google Images:

 I am not sure if this is the same sort of ear that was bitten off allegedly by the man, or why he was arguing with a policeman (to be honest, I'd long since retired to bed after my Cadbury's Options Drinking Chocolate). Betty could not furnish me with any further details as she needed to keep an appointment with her Craig's social worker , and when I phoned the police station in the capacity of a citizen reporter, the desk sergeant hung up on me!

Do you know a man with good teeth, and an ear missing? Perhaps he used to wear glasses, but is now unable to?

Please let me know.

Council housed Timeshare

I have noticed in the recent news lately that the new Government plans to prevent people who don't have a lot of money living in Council Houses for too long after they move in. I think this is an excellent idea. A bit like timeshare for homeless people. Why should they get a home for life and security of tenure for life when other people with more money don't have the same security with their own homes?

As you will have noticed, and I make no apologies for this, I am getting more political with my cartoons. I hope one day to become a political cartoonist. Perhaps I could be a political cartoonist for a decent newspaper, like The Daily Mail, or the Daily Telegraph, or if they won't have me - perhaps a working class newspaper like the Times of London (times cartoons anyone?).

Hilarious Speed Camera Cartoon.

I had the idea for this cartoon while I was sitting in my dining room this morning, eating some toast. I was looking at the BBC news website and I was reading a story about how they have removed all the speed cameras in Oxfordshire, allowing everyone to drive at whatever speed they now choose to! Now the police are complaining that people are driving too fast! Of course people are going to drive too fast. That's why they buy cars that go fast, over something like a bicycle, which doesn't go very fast.

I showed this cartoon to my children, and they thought it was very funny and that I should send it to the BBC, they might show it on the BBC breakfast news programme or something. I emailed it this morning, but I'm still waiting to hear when I'll be invited onto the famous sofa to discuss my latest mastertory piece.

How can the country save money and rescue the economy?

Many people have asked me how we as a nation can get out of this terrible mess that the last Government left us in after forcing us to spend money like crazy on exotic holidays and BMW X5's, like there was no tomorrow. I too was caught up in the whole spend spend spend craze. I went absolutely crazy several times buying business cards and bulk buys of gel pens in the good old days, but now it's time to pay off the debts. To be honest I was surprised to get a 'tab' at the local post office in the first place, but Mrs Dawson got carried away just as much as the next man.

Being a reasonable person she has given me another month to settle my account, which I'm confident of doing by making some simple sacrifices. Firstly I won't be allowing the girlfriend/wife to spend more than £38 on any one shopping trip (including the purchase of celebration cake), I will now insist that everyone in the household answers the phone within three rings, and immediately stop the common practice of ignoring the phone and using 1471 to screen calls and call them back all the time. This should reduce the phone bill by at least 70%. Benefits will be cut back, with immediate effect, and the children will now find their allowances are means tested. If they have more savings than me, they will have all benefits stopped immediately.

Of course we can all do our bit to economise, but this won't help the public finances. This is the money that the Government spend on our, or their own behalf.

Example of much cheaper cartoon for possible Government anti-smoking campaign.

I've been thinking of how a humble cartoonist like myself can help the Government to reduce their spending, and I've realised that they spend many thousands on publications, which often contain cartoons and or illustrations. If the Government used much cheaper cartoonists, like myself and others that I know, they could save a lot of money. If someone is reading a leaflet on giving up smoking, or a leaflet on haemorrhoid advice, I'm quite sure that the quality of the illustrations is not of any concern to those people. For a small sum, such as thus £20, the Government could have some really good cartoons (but, perhaps not top notch, or amusing) therefore making instant savings for the nation.

Of course we know that they won't do this, because as the Government before, they like to waste unnecessary money. I'm offering them a solution (I've tweeted a link to this article to my local MP) but it's up to them if they take it. £20, instead of, probably £500. It's not rocket science!

*I can also offer armchair legal advice to parish councils and local political parties.

Government Spends £17,500 on wine.

News today reveals that the Government has spend £17,500 on wine since the general election! Going on the read the news report, it sets out that they buy wine young, to benefit from a lower price. I find that quite a ridiculous claim, as when I was young and getting others to buy some wine for me, it cost exactly the same as it did for someone of the legal age.

It seems this Government has taken no time at all to immerse themselves in sleaze. I expected they'd at least wait until the Christmas party before they'd conduct themselves in such an appalling manner. All the while, us poor taxpayers and working mothers are struggling with the constant pressure on our own alcohol budgets/nappy buying. Always offers on cheap cider, but how rare are 2 for 1 offers on nappies? (not that my grown  up children need nappies, unless they drink too much White Lightening!). Why can't the Government just buy cheap wine from one of the supermarkets? They could have got at least twice as much booze for less than £17,500. Probably they could have got some special offers or something, like I did only last week in Asda.

It's the population that should be spending record amounts on alcohol since the general election - not the Government!

Election selection expectation...

Well wasn't that an interesting General Election. As some of you will be aware I have been indisposed during the actual voting process, and was unable to vote myself. It was quite a surprise to come home and find that we didn't have any Government at all.

I'm quite pleased to see a sensible looking man doing a number 10, instead of that Scottish man. I don't have anything against Scottish people's as such there thus, but I don't like Scottish men who don't have a beard. Call me strange. I Think all Scottish men should have beards, like in the movies. Everything should be like in the movies, but none of these so called politicians offered that you anyone, did they?

Well I think Mr Cameron would make a great prime minister. I don't know what Mr Brown is going to do now he's been sacked from the position by the Queen. It doesn't look good on anyone's CV when you've been sacked by the Queen does it? I'm sure he'll find something to do for a living. Perhaps he could work on the Shopping Channel?

Election 2010 TV Debate.

I am often asked who I would vote for in the next election, which is going to be very soon (may, I think). This will decide who is going to be the next Prime Minister of England. Tonight there is a live TV debate on the TV tonight in which all the future prime ministers will get a chance to argue with each other and make the others look a bit shit. Who will  turn out to look the less shittest? Only that can be decided by the viewers. I think there's going to be a phone vote at the end. I'm watching it right now, but I haven't seen Ant & Dec OR Phillip Scofeild as yet.

David Cameron

In my serious series of political caricature, this is my ending. Last caricatire of the series is Mr David Cameron, wannbe MP and potential prime minister. My wife thinks he's quite dishy, and always gets excited when seeing him on the television. If he gets elected then I fear for my wife's sanity. A permanant state of excitedness isn't a healthy thing at all, and quite frankly I just can't keep up with her when she's very excited.

Next week: Leaders wives.

Three party's

I was so pleased with the background gradient for the nick clegg caricature that I thought it would make a great election banner for any floating voters out there. Who are you going to vote for?