Man bites off his own ear.

News reports are coming in from Betty across the road that last night there was an altercation with the Police, and the man that was being in the processed of being arrested, bite off his own ear!

Unfortunately, I have been unable to verify this report and have not got photographic evidence of this event, but I managed to find this on Google Images:

 I am not sure if this is the same sort of ear that was bitten off allegedly by the man, or why he was arguing with a policeman (to be honest, I'd long since retired to bed after my Cadbury's Options Drinking Chocolate). Betty could not furnish me with any further details as she needed to keep an appointment with her Craig's social worker , and when I phoned the police station in the capacity of a citizen reporter, the desk sergeant hung up on me!

Do you know a man with good teeth, and an ear missing? Perhaps he used to wear glasses, but is now unable to?

Please let me know.

Cheap cartoon redesign services

I have a new and original idea for all small to medium (but not large) businesses out there that would like to make use of cartoon illustrations out there for their publications, advertising materials or leaflets.


As Nick Clegg DPM recently said, people must follow the business model of this most finest British business model. John Lewid's famous motto is "never knowing undersold", which got me to thinking about it somewhat.
Many businesses cannot afford to use the services of professional illustrators for their business, even though they would be able to stop sacking people and increase their business models tenfold. The solution I have come up with (all on my own without any assistance from the DPM) is this thus:


Customer approaches cartoonist/illustrator to use image in something. Cartoonist/Illustrator demands a high fee for their work (something like £1,000 for one image).


Customer then approaches Leonard Gubbins' design kit studio. We take that very same illustration and re-draw it exactly, therefor avoiding any copyright issues and charge a much more reasonable £19.90 + 10p admin fee.

Top TEN things to do if you find out your next door neighbours are getting divorced.

Cartoon about divorcing neighbors. Available for sale
through this website. Unique sou -veneer 

Divorce is a popular statistic these days. Many people are doing it for all sorts of reasons. Some people are doing it because they are doing it.


What many people don't realise when they get divorced, is the effect that this will have on the people around them. Neighbours for instance. Quite often neighbours won't realise that their neightbours are getting a divorce until it's already happened and this can make things very awkward. Imagine popping over to borrow the lawn mower, only to find out that the lawn mower AND the lawn have been taken by the partner that is no more!


Here's a list of things that neighbours can do to avoid uncomfortable situations.


1. Talk to your neighbours at least once per week.
2. Take notes, if you overhear any arguments taking place. This could be valuable evidence, if things become real flaky pastry!  
3. Look out of your windows several times per day and make mental note of any visitors to the neighbours house. Plumber visiting 3 times per week for the last 4 months? Probably having an affair which could end in divorce.
4. Listen for typical 70's porn music coming from the house when the plumber is there. It could be very loud, drowning out any dialog!
5. If you lend your neighbour anything, ensure that you get it back withing a week or so. This reduces the chances that it'll get lost in the division of assets. It's your hedge trimmer, she has no right to give it to her new boyfriend.
6. If you think your neighbours are about to get divorced, then decide which neighbour you are going to side with. Probably best to pick the one that is most likely to remain in the house.
7. Do not under any circumstances offer to take a hit on the cheating partner. It is murder and you will go to prison (where many of your neighbours are likely to be divorced!)
8. If one partners belongings get thrown into the street, offer to browse through them and make an offer for any items you'd like (check electrical items are working first!). The thrown out partner will be grateful for the extra money that they'll need to spend on a B&B accommodation.
9. Don't take either neighbour in as a lodger, unless you need the £4,390 pa rent that you can charge tax free.
10. Good luck. Chances are that both your newly divorced neighbours will have to leave the marital home sooner or later. You will now get new neighbours. They may be friendly, or they may be common scum with a rabid dog and asbo kids. Whatever you do, try not to worry.

How to be a successful cartoonist part 4.

I have been drawing cartoons for pleasure and also for business purposes for over 18 months now, and it has been an extraordinary experience learning all about the talent required and how to market my unique creations with the online community. I have drawn tea towels and also roadworks and everything in between.


Most people I speak to about my unique creations assume that some artistic skill is required in producing the type of cartoons that people want to buy and give away to friends and family as unique gifts and suchlike. I've managed to keep families together with my off-beat humorous creations. Stave off divorce (sadly not my own, but that's another story), and have also helped online companies increase their sales targets, therefore I have also saved the small business economy and several jobs in the print on demand tea towel industry! 


PANTS.


I have also helped companies to develop a new range of underwear, based my my humorous designs and unique take on art and design. Quite frankly, I'm brilliant. And I'd like to share my unique techniques with my dear readership on this very blog.

FAQ.

• How do I get ideas for drawing cartoons? I can draw people wearing trousers quite well, but I can't draw a halibut to save my life.
• This is one of the most frequent, frequently asked question I get asked, as a question, and I'd like to answer it like this: Where to get ideas from? Put simply everywhere! All good cartoonists always carry a notebook with them. Whenever you get an idea you must write it down immediately, and make sure your notebook is always fully charged. All good cartoonist, therefore never stray too far from a friendly electrical socket!
• Here's a list of subjects that might give you an idea or two (remember if you sell a cartoon from one of your ideas that you get from this blog, I would like a credit within the cartoon!)
• Cowboys, Indians, cuttlefish, old women weeing themselves in a small post office branch, cavemen doing something like we might do, but in caveman type way (think, Flintstones!), car mechanics ripping off customers, dental nurses loosing patient records, Magazine subscription that never arrives, vomiting cats, shoppers realizing they've left that important voucher at home!, someone listening to the radio, with a poorly budgie!

Well I hope that's given you some starting points and gives you an idea of how to be a successful cartoonist. If you become I successful cartoonist because of these articles, I would love to hear from you. Please write to: leonard.gubbins@gmail.com Many thanks.

How do I sleep in a chair?

I have often been asked advice on such matters as such like and thus, but this week I am going to answer a query from a local person who I have been interacting with therefor whom within the environment of the street local to my own adobe.


This person, whom wished to remain anonymous, question was:


"sometimes I'm just too tired to go to bed at night, and have been thinking about sleeping in my arm chair. How would I go about doing this?"


That's a very interesting question that I would have very much enjoyed answering for my local fellow inhabitant of my local area, but I was in a hurry to rush home and sit down and write a blog post about arm chairs instead.


Firstly we need to know what an arm chair is.

This is not a chair. It is a stool, and consequently it is most unsuitable for sleeping in.

This is a chair, but it is only suitable for seating in, not sleeping in (or on depending on your political personification. 

This is much more like thus the item of furniture that we was discussing just outside the happy shopper.

Instructions for use:

1. Sit in the chair
2. Read a book, or watch a television. (it doesn't matter what kind, Sony, Phillips, Samsung even)
3. Wait until you are tired.
4. DO NOT GO TO BED AT THIS POINT!
5. When you feel yourself drifting off to sleep let yourself go.
6. Now get a cloth from the kitchen and clean the chair.
7. Once chair is dry again, re-enter it and repeat process 1 - 4
8. Wake up next morning any make appointment with a chiropractor. 

Combining Jobs with my love of art.

I have recently started working for a home care agency as a bum wiper and cook. It's a great job really. The wages aren't too bad, but of course this isn't my real ambition in live. What I really want to be is a artist (with lots of money of course). I find drawing really easy, as you will see from the example below.


I love the dignity in this close up of her face. A face that must have seen so much over it's 80 odd years!

Ethel is a sweet old lady that I see every Thursday morning. She lives on here own, but despite this has taken a keen interest in my artwork. She thinks my artwork is lovely, and what better judge for the skill of my artistic ability than an old woman, who's had both cataracts done, and remembers how many children she had.


Unfortunately, I don't get much time with Ethel, as my visits are limited to just 15 minutes, so I could only do a very quick sketch - but she loves it and has shown it to her daughter! Here's the full sketch below:

Hope you like it. If you'd like a sketch doing of an old relative then please get in touch. Prices start from just £20. If it's a rush job (i.e. Granny might not last much longer) then the price will have to reflect this!

I'm still writing articles for the parish news.

I have often being asked why I am so successful with the local parish newsletter, writing very popular articles for it, which increases sales within the local parish. I first approached the editor of the parish magazine back in 2006, when I met him at my nieces christening. I told him that I was a very successful writer (I wasn't (not at that stage anyway)), and he invited me to submit something to him by post, or (surprisingly) via email.


I wrote a lovely piece about the story of badgers in the local woods at Christmas time, and what sort of things they might buy each other from the local corner shop from Mr Squirrel, the local shop keeper. The tale of Consumerism at Christmas Time In Badger Wood became an instant hit with the readership, and Jim assured me that he thought it was my article which created a surge in circulation that year, selling an estimated extra 15 copies that Christmas!


This was before I became a cartoonist, so sadly there's no cartoons to go with this, but I thought it might be fun to revisit Badger Wood. Sadly, I can't draw badgers very well, so I decided to change the story to Worm Wood. It'll never been seen in the parish magazine, but here's it is for your pleasure.


Enjoy......

I have been very busy just lately and haven't been able to update this website for the same length of time that I have been busy doing other things. I don't often get the time I need to drawer cartoons, as I have to provide house keeping services to my large family of cats, and time permitting, the children. This week I had to take my cat to the vets for some injections. I was staggered by the cost of these injections. How can a tiny amount of liquid cost £49.58, I don't know. It doesn't even seem to improve the cat in anyway. But this did make me think of this hilarious cartoon, which I was able to drawer this morning as I had a few hours spare to myself this morning, inbetween doing all the laundry and scraping plates from last nights take-away dinner (too busy to cook).

Back to the cartoon. Can you imagine if these expensive injections actually did something strange to your cat, like make it grow into a super cat? (btw, don't think just because they sell food that claims such claims that it works, it doesn't. They can't fly after eating it! I should know!) I think the vet must have thought I was very strange as I let out a little giggle when I thought of this hilarious cartoon idea while the nurse was being scratched about the face by Mr Tiddleworth.

So it just goes to show that even something as expensive and mudane as a trip to the vets with a cat (or possibly even a dog) can lead to a brilliant and hilarious cartoon idea. One which hopefully will make me enough money to pay the vets bills in the future. I have sent this off to Cat World. Their office girl said that they don't take cartoons, but I've sent it anyway, as I think this is just the sort of thing to change the editors mind. Later today, when I go to the local spar, I might even buy a copy, so I can get a feel of what that magazine is all about.

Wish me luck.

Leonard x

Salting Potato's.

I've been very busy these last few days with yet another fantastic commission that I can't tell you about for confidentiality reasons, and to be honest, the Girls Guides leader is quite intimidating.

Here's a cartoon I did to demonstrate how to subtlety do some hand shading that will impress your clients and customers. Look how the breast seem to be almost 3D. That can make the difference between a great cartoon and a very bad cartoon. 3D breasts.

This cartoon was  a rough draft for a customer that wanted some cartoons for his restaurant. Once I'd sent him the rough drafts, I never heard from him again. I expect his business was burnt to the ground by Animal Rights Activists or something. Pity. I'd drawn over 15 drawings like this. That's the trouble with being a cartoonist. You can spend 3 weeks working on something that comes nothing.

British Televisional Soap Operas.

The wife/girlfriend is a great big fan of many of the British Soap Operas that appear on our televisional screens. She insists on whatching them, regardless of what she is also doing at the time. Thankfully they are usually broadcast in the early evening, so some things are never interuppted!

Having agreed to share living accommodation with her some time ago when our 'relationship' began (inspired partly by a very poor bus service between our each abodes at the time), I have accidentaly found myself watching these very popular televisional shows. While obviously I'm far too high brow to actually watch these televisional shows, I did find myself taking a passing interest in the bizzarre plots. It seems that they all have the same plot, with different actors and charactures playing out the same stories over and over. For instance, all of the soap operas currently have a plot about a body having being buried and it being discovered by a group of hoodies. A few months ago they all had charactures that were having babies. It's quite remarkable how similar all of these shows are, and I suspect, until Channel 5 launch a soap opera about aliens or something, it will continue to be like this.

It's going to be massive.

This is just one of the many of cartoons that I've recently drawn to send off to some magazines and internet message boards. I think it's much better than many of the cartoons we often see in print these days. I'll let you know what Woman's Own say when they get it.

Instructions for hands.

I'm often asked how do I draw hands when I'm drawing my cartoons. Well, here is the first of many tutorials on drawing hands. We'll start with a 'grabbing' hand, or 'clutching' hand, which can be very important when drawing talent free cartoons such as thus:

Hairy wrists are entirely optional, and probably not appropriate if you are drawing a cartoon of a grasping woman, for instance.

Three party's

I was so pleased with the background gradient for the nick clegg caricature that I thought it would make a great election banner for any floating voters out there. Who are you going to vote for?

What is a cartoonist?

I'm often asked when people find out I'm a cartoonist (since February 2010) what a cartoonist is. These people are not stupid, as you may first think. They simply don't know what a cartoonist is, or what a cartoonist does. I can be confusing for the ordinary, drab people I come across from time to time.


I like to think that there's several types of cartoonists and here is the two examples I'm allowed to tell you about.


The definition of a cartoonist is someone who draws cartoons. This may be someone who has a full set of gel pens, or perhaps has only just a Berol Handwriting pen. They may draw their cartoons on some sort of paper, or maybe even a piece of cardboard they found in the recycle bin. These 'cartoons' or humorous pictures might be amusing, but they don't have to be.


The definition of a pro- cartoonist is someone who sells their cartoons for money, or perhaps stationary supplies. These sorts of cartoonists are mainly motivated by the desire to be famous and rich, like Van Golf or David Hockey. Now that's not to say that these cartoonists don't draw good cartoons, they often do, but many of them have been corrupted by the scent of wealth and fame. They draw maybe 6 or 7 cartoons to a national publication, and that's them set up for life!


Many of the professional cartoonist I know are lovely people, but they are often horrible towards those they see as 'amateur' cartoonists, and no matter how crap their cartoons are, will not offer words of encouragement. They'll say terrible things like "you really need to improve your drawing skills" or "the cartoon just isn't funny". This clearly demonstrate how cruel professional cartoonist can  be towards amateur cartoonists that want to steal their jobs.


So there's a lesson for all us cartoonists. If you are an amateur cartoonist, then you mustn't listen to the bitter ramblings from the professionals that are probably just threatened by your skills with a gel pen (some of these so-called professionals use such antiquated tools as brushes, or dip pens!).


If you are a professional cartoonist (and I suspect there might be quite a few reading this blog) then you need to understand that while YOU might not find the work of the up and coming amateurs that impressive, you should always be polite and encouraging. It doesn't matter that you are not impressed with their cartoons. Their friends and family are impressed, and if only their friends and family had a million pound publishing empire, then they would be selling cartoons to them all the time, and you'd be signing on, or picking vegetables!

How to get ideas for cartoons when you don't have any ideas, but you do have a gel pen and a blank piece of paper.

I am often asked by the many dozens of people that follow this and the many other search engine optimised blogs and websites that I write and drawer for, how I think of all my brilliant ideas.


I have to be honest, sometimes it's not easy. Producing such high quality articles and mediocre cartoons all the bloody time is not easy. I am of course helped by my wonderful co-authors with some  excellent Talent Free articles, when they can be bothered, but most of the responsibility rests on me!

What I do when I'm struggling to come up  with a brilliant idea is to think of some interesting things that are happening around me. I use my eyes, and have a look around the room. If that fails, then I open the curtains and look outside. Watching people go about their normal business can be a great idea for inspiration. Only the other day, my good friend and legal expert, Burt was obviously unloading his daughter in laws car. By observing the carrier bags that all the shopping was in, I could see that they must have been to the Co-Op. This got me thinking about how these days it's so hard to buy anything in a shop without being asked in an accusational tone if you'd like a carrier bag. This made me think of a wonderful idea for a cartoon. Unfortunately it did not give me an idea for a brilliant article, so I'm just posting the cartoon.

Hilarious Topical Carrier Bag Cartoon

How to haggle. Part 1.

I am often asked how that I am coping with the worst recession since records began, being a new cartoonist business person expert, that is yet to receive the influx of £20 notes that I expected to receive by now, I am forced to be a canny shopper. Particularly when making purchases in charity shops.

Now many people in this country are not very good at haggling, and even less so when "it's for charity", but I think it would be stupid to ignore the possibilities available to the strong minded bargain hunter. Last week I was in the local Age Concern shop, looking for something classy for the wife/girlfriends birthday. Having browsed the various brick-a-brac on sale at this particular branch, I noticed a rather fetching "Elvis Presley" mirrored picture. It looked like something I once missed out on a bidding war on Ebay, and thought it would be an ideal addition to the downstairs toilet, and of course a splendid gift for the said Wife/girlfriend.

She said that £5.50 was the price set by Marjorie, and as she wasn't in on Tuesdays she couldn't do anything about the price! I was quite rightly disgusted with this attitude, and refused to agree to such a high asking price. After around 45 minutes of just repeatedly asking for a 50% discount, and this elderly woman stubbornly refusing to see the "the customer is always right", she asked me to leave the shop, or she would call the police.

I can't understand why charity shops employ such dogmatic people. Clearly she was thinking more about her commission, rather than focussing on creating a satisfied customer, that might pop in to buy an ashtray or a bobble-less cardigan in the future. Age concern have lost me as a customer now. Once I find a shop that won't treat me well, I refuse to ever shop there again. That's why I no longer shop at Rumbelows. As far as I'm concerned, those sort of businesses can go bankrupt! Hopefully the local Age Concern shop will learn some lessons from this before that happens.

Anyone Can Cartoon

The rather warm weather we have here at Crimper Heights reminds me of a cartoon idea I had when the drive was covered in snow. It proves that anyone can cartoon.

First, you don't draw anything because it's a snow scene. Then you add four black splodges. These are the eyes of two snowmen standing side by side. Next the caption...

"Some snowstorm that" says snowman number one. Let's call him Hector.
"Indeed" replies the other who we'll call Tristan to prove he's younger. "I can't even see my carrot."

Boom Boom!

There we have it. A superb cartoon that I should have sent to Private Eye. And I can't even draw.

[Edit} That should read "lengthy tree lined drive".

What a super idea for a cartoon Mr Crimpers. I have taken the liberty of 'visualising' your creation for you!