A woman squirts.

Why o why o why o why do we not have more women firemen? If I was going to phone the fire brigade, it would be nice to think that perhaps there was a small chance that they would send a fire tender full of lovely young ladies, perhaps in tight red t-shirts, would be coming to save my front porch from being badly burnt.

This country is not once it once thus was.

*I've been asked to point out that I am no longer permitted to contact the local fire chief via post due to the previous volume of my correspondence (allegedly constituting harassment).

I thought it was a good idea.

It's health & safety gone mad.

The other day I was walking down the street when I noticed that there was some signs that I should cross the road and start walking on the other side of the road, pavement. The sign was an effing great big hole in the road that some jobs worth had dug up apparently. But this wasn't enough. Alongside this natural 'sign' was a red & white barrier a flashing light or two and some traffic cones. How insulted I felt. The local council or whoever it was who dug the hole had decided for me that I wasn't intelligent enough to avoid a huge hole in the ground, and decided to make it bloody obvious that there was a great hole in the footpath.

Clearly all this health and safety nonesense had also prevented the workmen from gaining access to the hole, as no work was taking place that Sunday afternoon. Anything could have happened to that hole the whole time it was just left there, inviting vandals to perhaps fill it in, or throw some elderly people into it that they had just mugged, and because of all the warning signs and health and safety  - everyone would have been walking on the other side of the street and wouldn't have noticed the mountain of dead pensioners inside the hole.

I take great pride in my civic pride, so I was compelled to make a small physical protest to all this crazy health and safety nonsense. I removed one of the flashing amber lights, and I now use it in my back garden to warn the postman not to stand on the gravel where the dog likes to do his business. If I have prevented just one pensioner from being left in a hole for a whole weekend then my effort will have been worth it.

Creating new areas of business for the cartoon market business.

I am often asked how I sell my cartoons to so many varied clients. Parish magazines, missing cat posters, local business directories etc. The reason that I sell so many wonderful cartoons to so many dull publications is that I approach them and suggest that they publish my cartoons. I start with an impartial appraisal of their publication (for free) which usually confirms what I believed all along, that their publication is rather dull and needs some cartoons to brighten it up.

I then offer them a cartoon I've already drawn for free. They usually take this up, even if it has nothing to do with the nature of the publication. It's amazing how many parish magazines will publish a caraciture of LuLu, if it's offered for free. They need to fill space in their magazines, just like big name, national publications do. Once I have them 'hooked' on my unique style of drawing (a few complimentary letters to the editor always help - thanks mum!) I then send them another cartoon for the next issue, but I forget to mention that this one isn't free. Once they have published it, I send them and invoice and threaten them with legal action if they don't pay the £20 they owe me!

Obviously this trick only works once, or maybe twice, if the publication is badly organised. That's an example of parish magazines. Missing pet posters is another lucrative market place for local cartoonists. Most people put up dull photocopies of their missing pets, which is not at all eye catching. I usually take down the poster and when I get home phone the phone number. Yes, they get excited thinking you've found their beloved pet - but when I suggest that their pet might never be found without an eye catching poster, they often ask for help in making the poster better. The budget for cartoon missing pet posters is usually quite small, but with some gentle persuaction they can usually be agreed to cut back on the 'reward' money to fund a wonderful pet cartoon portrait (I charge extra if there's a funny story behind the pet going missing). An added bonus is that if the pet is never found, they still have a wonderful memento of their pet to treasure for years to come!

There's just a few ideas for all you budding cartoonists out there. Next week: Elderly dead relative caricatures, good idea or bad?

Spit Fire

I am often asked which what is my favourite World War 2 airoplane. Well it just so happens to be the wonderful Spit fire. Here's a wonderful photo I took of two Spit fires that recently flew past the air show I was just happening to be attending. When I took this photo I wasn't too concerned about the technical aspects of taking the photo. The limitations of my camera wouldn't allow me to take a up close and personal photo of the pilots, but I knew that I would be able to make an excellent photo using my skills within thus said Photoshop. I saw many so called experts at the air show with massive cameras, but I'm reliably informed that some of them didn't get very good shots either! (that will teach them to snub the Argos value range of digital cameras!)

As you can tell, Photography is just another one of my many skills. If you are the pilot in this photo, and would like a framed copy of this photo, please get in touch. I'm sorry, but due to new laws about to come in over digital rights, I am unable to sell a copy of the photo to anyone other than the pilot, or his family.

A new blog recomendation.

I'm often asked which blogs I like to read, when I'm not creating life changing posts on my own blog, Talent Free Cartoons. Well one of my favourite at the moment (of course it's subject to change if I don't get added to their blog roll soon) is this rather marvellous blog called, no less thus: Give a Blog a Bone. It's by none other than the excellent contributor of comments to this thus blog: Mr Poobah. Well done Mr Poobah for making such an excellent blog. I'm not sure what it's about yet, but I imagine when it has some content, it'll be as every bit invaluable to the Blogsphere as this blog is.

Lets see some photos of your patio, Mr Poobah!

Mother's Day is approaching!

Look out people. It'll soon be Mothers Day, and you'll miss out if you don't order her a gift soon!

These professional keep-sakes are available now. Don't delay, or you might miss out on that very special gift. Suitable for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentines Day, 40th Birthdays.
You're friends and loved ones will be speechless when they open a gift from Leonard Gubbins Cartoon Services (UK) Limited.

Another LULU portrait. Digitally enhanced.

LULU

Here's another LULU portrait I did some time ago. As I said yesterday, I don't really like LULU that much any more, but I have 230 wonderful lifelike portraits of her, and none of Garry Barlow. I wouldn't be surprised if LULU herself (or possibly her mum) offered me £20 for this. If you have someone in your family that looks even a little bit like LULU, get in touch (email address on sidebar) and I'll send you a life like portrait for FREE!

Love is a Chainsaw!

Love is a chainsaw and a decapitated head cartoon.

I've taken some advice from my good online friend Cretin 229 (you may remember him from the Disney colouring book?). He has shown me how to do subtle shading to give my cartoons a little more depth than they had before. I've also invested in a new felt tip pen (I was in the post office anyway - it's amazing how many things the local post office sell for cartoonists to use). Mrs Rogerson was in there. I haven't seen her for ages, but our conversation was cut short when I found out she'd just been to Skegnes with her daughter-in-law and didn't need any new tea towels. Her Dean will be out of prison soon. Not that I'm one to gossip, but I reckon he did it.

Anyway I was inspired to draw this rather marvellous cartoon by Valentines day. If you'd like this printed onto a card, get in touch with me and I'll let you have a price. I expect it'd be around £20 per card, but if your valentine means anything to you, it's worth it. I can't be responsible for any restraining orders issued as a result of sending anybody one of my unique cards.