Guess the celebrity characterature

Can you guess who this celebrity is?

I have decided to start the new year of 2012 with a fun contest for all my readers. How the contest works is thus: I draw a cartoon caricature of a well known TV or Movie celebrity, and then people leave comments stating what they think it is.


As you can see from this first (of many I hope) contest entry I have now become an accomplished cartoon caricature artist, making instantly recognizable caricatures of celebrity faces. I can also provide YOU with an unique gift for a loved one, or someone who is retiring (and you'll no doubt never see again before they die).


Contact me if you'd like a celebrity portrait caricature. Prices start from just £20 + VAT and fees.  

I want to tattoo your arm!

I've had this great idea that I've seen on some other websites. Having drawn lots of really popular cartoons, that people just simply adore, someone that is a very good online friend has suggested that she'd quite like to see my cartoon policeman tattooed onto her arm or buttock. Now I'm not really used to tattooing people's skin. I'm more familiar with tattooing pieces of paper with a gel pen, but being the professional that I have decided to be, I have agreed to do this on her kitchen table next week!

Of course in line with my current fees having to be increased because of the imminent VAT increase, I now find myself having to charge £30 per cartoon, but the good news for my very good online friend is that the image on her arm will belong to her exclusively (so if she wants to have someone take a photo of her, with her arm attached) then I will not be charging a further license fee, unlike some other rip of cartoonists that, while making lots of money and driving flash cars like 59 plate Nissan Notes, will exploit their customers. The arm image will belong to her, as sure as any infection will also be entirely her responsibility.


It seems her father was once a policeman, until he was pushed out of the force for an unfortunate incident with a potato peeler and a repeat offender in the late 1980's, and as a tribute to her dad, she'd like a tattoo with the image below. I think that's a lovely thing for a daughter to do for her father. Heavily tattooed daughters, always love their daddies. That is clear.


Now to hit Google, or TalentWriter Community Website for articles on how to tattoo an arm or bottom with a fatherly tribute.

Hilarious Speed Camera Cartoon.

I had the idea for this cartoon while I was sitting in my dining room this morning, eating some toast. I was looking at the BBC news website and I was reading a story about how they have removed all the speed cameras in Oxfordshire, allowing everyone to drive at whatever speed they now choose to! Now the police are complaining that people are driving too fast! Of course people are going to drive too fast. That's why they buy cars that go fast, over something like a bicycle, which doesn't go very fast.

I showed this cartoon to my children, and they thought it was very funny and that I should send it to the BBC, they might show it on the BBC breakfast news programme or something. I emailed it this morning, but I'm still waiting to hear when I'll be invited onto the famous sofa to discuss my latest mastertory piece.

Mr Brightside.

Here's the very first entry in how to draw a constable contest (no material prize available). What a wonderful start to the contest, from Mr Steve Bright. He's neglected to tell us his age, but I imagine from the outstanding quality of his drawing (he hasn't gone over a single line) he must have left school at least 10 years ago. Well done you!

Steve has clearly taken the advice I gave in the tutorial and has drawn the policemen in funny 'police' hats and uniforms so you can tell they are policemen. If he'd drawn them without any clothes on for instance, it would have been very hard to tell what they were supposed to be, so well done again.

It's a super drawing, and I think it deserves at least 4. points out of 5, 5 points for effort and 3.9554 for not going over the lines.

Please send your entries in for this contest soon, as I have literally several that I need to assess. Come on folks. I know you can do better than Steve.

CASH & CHIPS.

I am often asked if it's just brilliant cartoons that I drawer. Well no, as well as ghost writing for many well known local celebrities and of course drawing brilliant cartoons which get fantastic Google rankings (therefor proof that they are brilliant) I also drawer life-likey portraits of famous people like that Scottish singer LULU. As loyal readers will know, I've already posted some of the many hundreds of portraits I have drawn over the years. Well here is a another one! Hope you like it.

Taking of pies reminds me of a funny story that once happened to me that was true to life as anything that could happen to me when I was younger, in my younger days.

A friend of mine (not her, the other one) once arranged to meet in outside the local fish shop. There I was, stood for what seemed like minutes outside the local Fish & Chip shop, when she walked around the corner. "Where have you been?" She said. I told her I was standing outside the local fish shop, as she had arranged. Turns out that she had been stood outside the local FISH shop, looking at the Guppies and selection of air pumps in the window! We had a good laugh about that all the way home (I can't remember why we were meeting outside any shop, but that's another hilarious story). I said to her, "If I ever become a world famous cartoonist, I can use that to make a really amusing story one day". She thought I was insane. I sued her for slander, and her marraige fell apart, but as they say - that's another story...

Which Pencil?

I am often asked which type of pencil I use to draw my wonderful cartoons. Do I use a cheap HB pencil from the post office perhaps? Do I use some expensive pencils bought from a blind monk with a dodgy knee perhaps?


Of course not. Get away from me, you lunatic. Is often my reply. Why is it so hard to get somebody sectioned these days?


But I realise that for many aspiring cartoonist that read my website looking for brilliant advice on getting on in the easy game of drawing silly little pictures for large amounts of money the choice of pencil is very important. I personally don't use pencils for my artwork, as I think it's better to draw directly onto the paper (I read that in a book). Drawing with pencil is for spineless cowards, who quite frankly don't have the skill or balls to spend 5 hours on a complex drawing directly in ink. I'm a MAN, and I draw directly in INK! So what if sometimes my pictures don't turn out quite as I intended? Remember, it's NOT the outcome that's important. If you attempt to draw a dog, and it ends up looking more like a goat - it doesn't matter! That's what the experts call, a unique style. (it's also what I call it).


It's also worth remembering that your clients are paying £20 per hour, so to spend hours and hours re-drawing cartoons to make them look perfect is going to cost your client money, and in this difficult economic climate money is a rare thing. No. It's much better to be quick. Draw what you want to draw, and be done with it. If it's not looking right, at least it's going to be cheap - and that's very important these days.

I've had a great idea.

I have just had a brilliant idea. Now I'm sure that someone reading this will be in the airShow business. Well here's an idea of the type of cartoons that I could do to help your business sparkle like a big shiny diamond.

How to spring clean.

I am often asked how I keep my wonderful home so clean and tidy. My secret is to clean it every spring. This is known as 'spring cleaning', or cleaning up the place before the landlord does his annual inspection. Out goes the muddy boots, and on goes the lid to the toilet cistern (don't ask me why, but I just like it propped up against the bathroom radiator). So how do I do it? Well I can tell you my spring cleaning secrets. It's not difficult, but it can take valuable time that could be spent drawing wonderful cartoons with my mouse for important, but dull business men.

Hoovering because I can't spell vacuum cartoon.

Of course spring cleaning can provide many highly amusing inspirations for brilliant cartoons, so all is not lost doing this, and it's handy if the landlord renews the tenancy for another year. He demands many many £20 notes to let me live here. There was the time that I couldn't find the regular duster in it's usual place, under the kitchen sink and was forced to use a J-Cloth instead. This disaster will not be repeated this year, as I've made a rather handy duster holder from the Blue Peter annual (page 34). I like to have my pad handy whenever I'm doing anything around the house, but this isn't always possible, if one is to keep the peace with the girlfriend/wife!


I start my spring clean by firstly taking down all the LULU portraits I've drawn over the years. Yes, some of them have faded, due to the poor quality of the felt tip pens I once used, but I simply can't bare to part with them, considering how long it took me to draw them! Once all of these marvellous masterpieces have been safely stored in the lovely plastic storage boxes I purchase from Lidl in 2002 (the post office will sell you a pack of chalk or some felt tip pens, but ask them to supply you with a decent storage box - forget it!). I then get out the hoover. Well it's not actually a Hoover, it's a....I don't know what it is, but it's blue. (£48.99 Argos). I then decide which plug socket I'm going to use. There's 2 in the lounge, so it can often take me some time to decide. Using electricity the 'hoover' sucks up all my man dust. I'm told that dust is almost 90% dead skin cells, so after a year there's quite a few of them to suck up!


And that's it. Tidy up your LULU portraits, and 'hoover' around a bit, using the plug socket of your choice.


Next Week: How to empty the ashtray on a 1989 Nissan Bluebird.

Shrove Tuesday.

I am often asked if I know the origin of Shrove Tuesday. Well it just so happens that I do. Shrove Tuesday was actually invented on a Wednesday, but that was Mrs Shroves bingo night, so it was later decided that it should be on a Tuesday. The first Tuesday after Valentines day was decided as probably the best day to get rid of all those spare eggs that were lying around after Valentines day.

Then Better Crocker got involved, and she messed up that shit big time with her instant pancake mix. Add water and shake became the usual way to celebrate pancake day. Traditionalists still like to use frying pans and 'flip' or toss their pancakes, sometimes sticking them to the ceiling (usually the kitchen ceiling)

Which made me think of a wonderful cartoon!

Shrove Tuesday Cartoon.

Old Master

I found this painting I did many years ago when I was at school. I remember at the time my teacher Mrs Higgins saying how wonderful it was. So lifelike she had some sort of nervous breakdown during the summer holidays. But before she did that, and started talking to stray pigeons, she said as soon as the internet has been invented, I should post it online and probably make lots of money from it. I had no idea what she was talking about, as this was 1986 and I didn't know what lots of money was. Perhaps if I'd only listened to her, I would be driving a 06 plate Mondeo now instead or something just as flash.

Well it's time to put all those things behind me now I've decided to become a brilliant cartoonist. If you'd like to buy this, or one of my other lifelike paintings that can induce nervous breakdowns then I can sell it to you for just £20. (postage extra).

*If this picture doesn't look anything like you, or a loved one, I can produce a life like drawing from a photograph you send me.