Chaos in the kitchen.

Those of you who have a kitchen in their house will be familiar with the problem of how to store a selection of fruit squashes, even if you don't enjoy a refreshing glass of fruit squash yourself, you may want to have some available if you have visitors and suchlike. Not everyone likes to drink tea or coffee (those are easy to organise into tea caddies and coffee jars anyway, so don't require an article here anyway).

The solution that I have developed after many years of fruit squash "oh I think I have some somewhere" situation, is to have the various bottles on display in my kitchen on the kitchen side. To avoid the chaos of not knowing which fruit squash is which, I have attached labels to the wall behind them. For instance, 1. is Londis Orange squash 2. is Lime Cordial 3. is Apple & Blackcurrent and 4. is orange squash from a posh supermarket without E numbers (unopened).

New Year. New Cartoons.

Well I do hope you all had a very nice Christmas (Xmas). I know that I did. Lovely time with the family, but sadly for the world of cartoons not much time to draw in-between peeling sprouts and being a busy mother of two. This led me to think about the meaning of Christmas more and more this year. What's it all for? Well apart from the wonderful gifts I received, including a lovely bumper pack of Gel pens from WHSMITHS from my partner. They are still in the wrapper with the giant Toblarone (Chocolate) bar, but I intend to put them to good use very soon.


Unsurprisingly the commissions for cartoons dried up somewhat over the Christmas season of Wintevil. At first I feared this might have something to do with the recession we keep reading so much about in the Daily Mail and other such places suchlike. But it seems those in the market for a cartoon, were also enjoying the Christmas (Xmas) holiday season too as well.


Here's a cartoon of my eldest opening his favourite Christmas (Xmas) present, which is what Christmas (Xmas) is all about really: 

How can the country save money and rescue the economy?

Many people have asked me how we as a nation can get out of this terrible mess that the last Government left us in after forcing us to spend money like crazy on exotic holidays and BMW X5's, like there was no tomorrow. I too was caught up in the whole spend spend spend craze. I went absolutely crazy several times buying business cards and bulk buys of gel pens in the good old days, but now it's time to pay off the debts. To be honest I was surprised to get a 'tab' at the local post office in the first place, but Mrs Dawson got carried away just as much as the next man.

Being a reasonable person she has given me another month to settle my account, which I'm confident of doing by making some simple sacrifices. Firstly I won't be allowing the girlfriend/wife to spend more than £38 on any one shopping trip (including the purchase of celebration cake), I will now insist that everyone in the household answers the phone within three rings, and immediately stop the common practice of ignoring the phone and using 1471 to screen calls and call them back all the time. This should reduce the phone bill by at least 70%. Benefits will be cut back, with immediate effect, and the children will now find their allowances are means tested. If they have more savings than me, they will have all benefits stopped immediately.

Of course we can all do our bit to economise, but this won't help the public finances. This is the money that the Government spend on our, or their own behalf.

Example of much cheaper cartoon for possible Government anti-smoking campaign.

I've been thinking of how a humble cartoonist like myself can help the Government to reduce their spending, and I've realised that they spend many thousands on publications, which often contain cartoons and or illustrations. If the Government used much cheaper cartoonists, like myself and others that I know, they could save a lot of money. If someone is reading a leaflet on giving up smoking, or a leaflet on haemorrhoid advice, I'm quite sure that the quality of the illustrations is not of any concern to those people. For a small sum, such as thus £20, the Government could have some really good cartoons (but, perhaps not top notch, or amusing) therefore making instant savings for the nation.

Of course we know that they won't do this, because as the Government before, they like to waste unnecessary money. I'm offering them a solution (I've tweeted a link to this article to my local MP) but it's up to them if they take it. £20, instead of, probably £500. It's not rocket science!

*I can also offer armchair legal advice to parish councils and local political parties.

Hilarious Crime Joke Cartoon.

I have drawed this wonderful cartoon of a criminal 'fencing' some stolen goods and then getting arrested by a policeman for 'fencing' stolen goods. I think it's hilarious, and so did the jehovis witness that I showed it to this morning. He thought it was so funny, that he needed to leave immediately to 'tell all of his friends where the cartoonist lives'. Which I thought was nice.

Crime is of course never hilarious, and I'm sorry to any readers who've had their goods fenced in this way. No offence intended. Crime is never funny. Not even when a clown is raped.

Cartoons for businessmen who can't draw them themselves.

I've noticed since becoming a professional cartoonist how many businesses don't use cartoons as their main way of promoting their businesses. I find this very strange. When I'm looking through the Yellow Pages to find a plumber to unblock my outside drain hole, I'm not going to be drawn towards one that doesn't use eye catching cartoons or illustrations in their advert. Plain text, or boring lists of qualifications don't mean that the plumber is going to be any good.

And besides. If he skimps on his advert by not spending something like £20 to a cartoonist to make his advert eye catching and humourous (people need cheering up when their toilets are blocked) then what eles has he skimped on? Does he have wonky brakes on his van, therefore possibly putting your Corgi in danger has he tries to turn around in your cul-de-sac? Perhaps he bought all his tools from some dodgy bloke in the pub, and he might break your u-bend while he's trying to remove all the Tena-Man.

But there's a solution to your problems if you're a business man and you can't draw cartoons. Hire a web cartoonist to draw the cartoon for you. Most web cartoonist can draw all sorts of things (but not horses).

Here's a few of the top three web cartoonist for hire for your project.

1. Leonard Gubbins
2. L.G.
3. Mr G

I'd be happy to help you with your project of course as well I would. Please send me plenty of details about your project, starting off with how much you are prepared to pay a cartoonist for drawing something for you for your business needs.

I am able to send you a rough draught 20 minutes after I get your briefs.

Off my shopping trolley.

I'm often asked what I know about layers and backgrounds. To be honest, very little, but I'm not going to let something like that stop me from explaining to you what they are.

Here's a picture I recently did for a childrens book illustration (due to be published within the next 2 years).

As you can see I have created a rather wonderful background for this picture with very professional looking gradients (more about them later).
Now the trick is to use layers for each element of the picture, so I can get rid of the bits of the picture which I don't want to be there with just a simple click of my moose. Thus, therefore this:

And thus there we have it. Off with the shopping trolley. I didn't have to draw the picture twice. I used the layers function of the menu to 'hide' the shopping trolley from view before saving it twice. That bit was the hardest work.

Here's the background on it's own, which you can download to place your own creations withon it. What funny ideas can you think of for such a background image? Perhaps you'd like to draw a dog, or maybe some kind of man with a large gardening implement? I'm looking forward to seeing them all. Please email them to me at the usual address (please, no more Korean spam). The one which wins the first prize will win an all expenses trip to having a link on this very website to their own website.

Tea Towel Misery. Not my fault.

No one knows how hard it is. I sit here, in between re-runs of Cash In The Attic, and Diagnosis Murder She Wrote wondering what I can drawer the people will hand over hard cash to have printed on a tea towel. It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be all those months ago. Sourcing Tea Towels that don't have a heavy Gingham pattern is the hardest part of the whole process.

Where can I buy plain cotton tea towels without any pattern on?

Perhaps I shouldn't have taken all those orders. Perhaps those people will never order something every again from the Internet because of me. Wedding anniversary's ruined, engagement parties cancelled. And it's all because of the tea towel mafia in this country that insist on ONLY making Gingham tea towels.

Perhaps with the new Government we are about to get, things will change and we can move this economy forwards.

I'm currently processing orders for shopping bags without zips. I hope I can find some.

How to avoid being shafted.

These days it's very difficult to know who you can trust and who is likely to shaft you at the first opportunity. Take a simple action of a transaction in a shop. How do you know that the shop assistant isn't going to short change you when you are buying something with a £20 note that costs, say, £1.43?

Many shop assistants are very low paid. They often hardly get enough money to provide their 15 children with sufficient space hoppers or socks, so the incentive for them to make a little money on the side from unsuspecting customers is quite strong.


If the shop assistant gives you two crisp £5 notes as your change, then you have definitely been shafted. Yes, two £5 notes, especially new ones that are crisp is quite a good feeling, but THIS ISN'T ENOUGH! The best way to avoid this happening is:

• Don't go shopping at all.
• Work out what your change should be BEFORE you approach the till.
• Only pay the exact amount of money each time.

Well I hope that has helped you to avoid being shafted in shop. Next week: How to avoid being shafted in a brothel.

The First Day Of Summer. Part 2.

During my epic rise from part time supermarket cashier and weekend valeting operative to one of the best known cartoonist on Google.com I have often been struck by how easy it is to do just about anything you set your mind to.

Only the other day I was waiting at the bank to make a very modest deposit to my business account, when I got talking to an old acquittance I once knew of old. His name was Bill, and I hadn't seen him since he was quite a bit younger on a Employment training scheme in the late to middle 1980's. He was now working as a plumber, despite the fact that he trained as a brick layer. Apparently, as it so turns out, he found lugging bricks around all day too difficult, what with his flat feet and bad back, so he decided to paint plumber on the side of his van instead, and has been happily unblocking old women's u-bends ever since. He knows nothing about heating systems, but he's quite happy to learn that as he goes along (for the usual rate of course).

As I walked home in the beautiful spring sunshine I realised that perhaps I might of have taken a similar route through life as Bill had done, and being forced to shove my hand down lavatories for a living for ridiculous amounts of money. But I didn't. I decided to be a cartoonist!

Being a cartoonist is a great life. The gel pens, the smell of the paper first thing in a morning. The endless free time to do whatever I want to do, like watch cash in the attic, with the marvelous Angela Rippon. And knowing that whatever I do, it's good enough for me! The Boss!

This weather makes being a full time professional cartoonist even better, as I can just bugger off to the park whenever the mood takes me. It's like winning the lottery, I can tell you.

Election 2010 TV Debate.

I am often asked who I would vote for in the next election, which is going to be very soon (may, I think). This will decide who is going to be the next Prime Minister of England. Tonight there is a live TV debate on the TV tonight in which all the future prime ministers will get a chance to argue with each other and make the others look a bit shit. Who will  turn out to look the less shittest? Only that can be decided by the viewers. I think there's going to be a phone vote at the end. I'm watching it right now, but I haven't seen Ant & Dec OR Phillip Scofeild as yet.

Three party's

I was so pleased with the background gradient for the nick clegg caricature that I thought it would make a great election banner for any floating voters out there. Who are you going to vote for?

Google is your friend.

I am often asked how I write such successful articles for the web/internet. Writing articles for the web is much easier than writing them for real life, as most of the readers do not have very high standards. It's a waste of time writing with proper grammers and spellings as no one will notice. A glut of spelling errors can actually enhance your prominance in Google, so sometimes it's benificial to spell well known words incorrectly, as then you'll be number #1 for that mis-spelled term within Google.

I have written many ghost articles and ghoul articles for other websites. If you are drifting around the web and you see a poorly written article on drain cleaning services, or mobility scooter hire, then it's probably written by me, or one of the team working here at Talent Free.

The most important consideration when writing for the web is how Google sees your article, and where it places it on the search results. Anything that appears more than 300 pages into a web search isn't going to get noticed at all, so there's no point to writing it.

If you have a web site and you'd like an article writing then I can help! My fees start from just £20 per hour, so as long as my computer doesn't crash, or I get chatting to Berol half way through working on it, a typical article on carpet warehouses could cost less than £50.

Contact me at leonard.gubbins@googlemail.com (business email address). There is no charge for sending an email.

Funny Greetings Cards.

I've decided that it's about time that I began to be a successful Funny Greetings Card artist, alongside being a fantastic cartoonist and article writer.

There's something wrong with the Zazzle shop that I set up, as no matter how many brilliant designed funny greetings cards I post on there, I'm not making any sales at all. Clearly it's something to do with the Zazzle software. I tried to make them aware of the problem, but they are just ignoring my emails.

Nevermind. Here is a few designs of my fantastic cartoon greetings cards, designs.