William is going to Marry Katie

As reported in the recent press, Prince William the second is going to marry his girlfriend Katie Middletown. I think that's a lovely story. I know that the news is quite old now, and I would have drawn a lovely tribute cartoon much sooner, but I have been very busy lately with getting my iPod connected to my car stereo and sorting out a incident with a missing wheelie bin. But enough of my troubles (Roger Whittaker isn't that important). I would like to think that someone in the Royal Family will see this lovely cartoon for the tribute it indeed no doubt is, and who knows, it might even be spray painted onto the cake! That would make a lovely surprise for the Middletowns, and I've sure make a lovely day of celebration, even more lovely than it already is.


Has anyone seen what the Frankling Mint will be producing for this lovely occassion? I will be buying all the red top sunday papers to see what lovely offers are on to celebrate this lovely occassion of the celebreation of the lovely marage of the lovely day.


When is it going to be?

Choosing toys for Christmas.

This time of year many people with Children, or those that know people with Children, such as Grandparents are thinking of buying toys for children, but where to start? There's so many toys available these days for children that it can be difficult to choose something that's appropriate. If you go to a large toy department shop there are millions of toys to choose from. Where to start?


A good way to choose toys for children to give them at this time of year for Christmas is to watch what your child already plays with, and just as importantly what they don't play with. If little Jimmy never touches that 500 piece jigsaw of Whitley Bay, then it's probably not a good idea to buy little Jimmy another 500 piece jigsaw of Whitley Bay. He won't appreciate it at all! But what if he enjoys playing with his Power Rangers figures or his older brothers Roller Skates? Then, a good starting point would be some Power Rangers on roller skates perhaps?

Whatever you do, ensure that the toy gift you buy the child (or children) this year is suitable for their age. A petrol Chainsaw is not a suitable gift for an 8 year old under any circumstances, even if they do have ambitions to be a lumberjack later in life!

I want to tattoo your arm!

I've had this great idea that I've seen on some other websites. Having drawn lots of really popular cartoons, that people just simply adore, someone that is a very good online friend has suggested that she'd quite like to see my cartoon policeman tattooed onto her arm or buttock. Now I'm not really used to tattooing people's skin. I'm more familiar with tattooing pieces of paper with a gel pen, but being the professional that I have decided to be, I have agreed to do this on her kitchen table next week!

Of course in line with my current fees having to be increased because of the imminent VAT increase, I now find myself having to charge £30 per cartoon, but the good news for my very good online friend is that the image on her arm will belong to her exclusively (so if she wants to have someone take a photo of her, with her arm attached) then I will not be charging a further license fee, unlike some other rip of cartoonists that, while making lots of money and driving flash cars like 59 plate Nissan Notes, will exploit their customers. The arm image will belong to her, as sure as any infection will also be entirely her responsibility.


It seems her father was once a policeman, until he was pushed out of the force for an unfortunate incident with a potato peeler and a repeat offender in the late 1980's, and as a tribute to her dad, she'd like a tattoo with the image below. I think that's a lovely thing for a daughter to do for her father. Heavily tattooed daughters, always love their daddies. That is clear.


Now to hit Google, or TalentWriter Community Website for articles on how to tattoo an arm or bottom with a fatherly tribute.

The meaning of life, and the naked washing up club.

I have often been asked what the point of it all is. Now I am no minstrel or smartie, but I do know that it's often the right course of action to do something different from time to time to challenge the spirit of the human being into doing something different.


I am of course talking about washing up in the nip. Why would anyone want to do this? Well, if you have a dishwasher they'd be little point - but we are not all middle class. Some of us don't even have a people carrier. Washing up with clothes on can be hazardous, especially when you are on your way out for an evenings entertainment at the local arts centre. Washing up in the nip can make things much better. It's a wonderful experience for everyone who isn't within sight of your scrubbing sponge.


Then there's having a dog. It's very important when you have a dog to walk it regularly. At least 5 times per day (depending on the size of it's legs). If you have a very small dog with short legs, then it might be better to walk it just once per day. Dogs cannot walk without you helping them, as they don't understand the concept of the green cross man, or how fast a Saab 900 Turbo is travelling through your estate (see, not middle class).


Well I hope that's helped many of you with the eternal struggle with the meaning of life and other big important questions. As usual I'd welcome any comments.

But I digress.

Over at the cartoonist forum they have a contest every week that sets a caption and all the cartoonists (the ones that charge way more than £20 per cartoon, btw) and they all post a cartoon and then they vote for the one that they like the best.

I tried to do something similar on here once, but only 1 person replied and it didn't really work out as I hoped it would. That's the trouble with original ideas that I have. Someone else has always done it better and bigger than me. The cartoonist cartel over at the cartoonist forum don't take favourably to unique talent such as mine. They call it horrible things, like "it's rubbish", or that I have no "talent". Clearly they feel threatened, otherwise they wouldn't have any need to write such hurtful things. They can see my uniqueness could ruin their business.

And it's that which inspires me to continue with my one woman campaign against anything that isn't talented and free. and unique. Google is my friend. Google loves me and my many links.

This week I've drawn a cartoon based on the idea over at the cartoonist forum, but with a twist. Not for me, something "oh so clever" and smart. Oh no. I've gone for something crude and uniuqe. I was told it was too late to enter the contest, but I know the real reason is that it's simply so good, it puts all their efforts to shame.

So here is my hand shaded goodness for your enjoyment:

but I digress.

Laughing at insanity, knowing how to apply a bandage.

I've often been asked about how much I know about insanity. This usually occurs just after I've shown someone my cartoons for the first time.

Funnily enough, I did once train to be a psychologist many years back, but I found that people boring me with their pathetic problems wasn't for me, so I didn't go back for the second day of training. Having experience of being a psychologist for even a short time did equip me with the knowledge to read people quite well, particularly insane people, of which there is many of them on the estate that  I live. 

The insane people are usually the ones wearing the inappropriate hats, so it's easy to spot an insane person, unless they are not wearing a hat in which case it's usually a little harder. Just asking someone if they are insane isn't usually that effective, particularly if they are Geordies, as they are likely to reply "Yeah, I'm mad me!". Playing word association games with strangers at a bus stop isn't that advisable either, as it can usually involve a discussion with the constabulary.

Concentrating just on the obvious ones with the inappropriate hats is usually the best tactic when trying to identify insane people.

So just what is an inappropriate hat you may ask? Well, wearing a bowler hat in a working mans club is obviously a clear sign of madness, unless they are part of the entertainment.

Wearing a rain hat in a charity shop can be a sign of insanity, unless the string is wet and stuck, and it has been raining outside.

Wearing a flat cap while driving an Italian supermini is a sign of insanity, unless the person is in Yorkshire at the time, in which case it's probably just a sign of poverty.

Without knowing for certain if someone is insane or not, can make it very difficult to mock and laugh at the insane people on your local estate. It's a mind-field for certain, but get it right, and there's lots of fun to be had. Basic knowledge of first aid is always useful when laughing at insanity.

Spit Fire

I am often asked which what is my favourite World War 2 airoplane. Well it just so happens to be the wonderful Spit fire. Here's a wonderful photo I took of two Spit fires that recently flew past the air show I was just happening to be attending. When I took this photo I wasn't too concerned about the technical aspects of taking the photo. The limitations of my camera wouldn't allow me to take a up close and personal photo of the pilots, but I knew that I would be able to make an excellent photo using my skills within thus said Photoshop. I saw many so called experts at the air show with massive cameras, but I'm reliably informed that some of them didn't get very good shots either! (that will teach them to snub the Argos value range of digital cameras!)

As you can tell, Photography is just another one of my many skills. If you are the pilot in this photo, and would like a framed copy of this photo, please get in touch. I'm sorry, but due to new laws about to come in over digital rights, I am unable to sell a copy of the photo to anyone other than the pilot, or his family.

Cartoonist Printers.

As most of you will be aware I am having issues with my printer. It will only print black and yellow at the moment, and quite frankly I don't do that many wasp cartoons anymore. I'm looking for a new printer and I wonderered what is the best printer for a cartoonist? Do they make special cartoonist printers? I've spent most of the morning fingering the Argos catalogue, but I can't find anything suitable. I can't believe there's nothing out there. I got a really good set of gel pens from Argos once, but when it comes to printers they don't seem to have anything suitable for brilliant cartoon artists. Sort it out Argos. I don't want to go to town!