Introducing My ALL new Childrens book.

I've always wanted to be a writer, but not having much time to devote to writing a proper book, I have come to the conclusion that it would be much easier to just knock out a Childrens book instead. 
This is an ideal project for me, for thus I can add some pictures to the book. This saves on words needed (children don't like books with too many words anyway, as everyone knows they are fundamentally lazy), and I possess unique skills in my drawing abilities of drawing 2 of the most difficult subjects in the world of cartoonists - FISH and BICYCLES!

So I introduce to you, loyal visitor - Geoffry the Bike Riding GOLDFISH ©.

Unfortunatly I haven't had time to actually write the story as of yet, but I thought I'd start with the front cover (for this is where I believe my potential readers will start anyway, and I can't see any sense in starting this book on, say, page 47)

I have spent most of the last 20 minutes thinking of some fun stories that Geoffry might get up to.

• Geoffry dodges his TV license fee, and hides from the dreded TV inspector
• Geoffry has his online shopping delievered by Asda or Tesco (needs more work to decide which works best for a GOLDFISH riding bicycalist).
• Geoffry gets into a nasty legal battle with his arch enemy, Sammy the Skateboarding Salmon.

I've based the stories I've yet to write down (but I have copyrighted them ©) on my own life, but I would like to state and not just for legal reasons, but for moral reasons as well, that I do possess a TV license. It's £145.50 per year and I pay by cheque.

How do I sleep in a chair?

I have often been asked advice on such matters as such like and thus, but this week I am going to answer a query from a local person who I have been interacting with therefor whom within the environment of the street local to my own adobe.


This person, whom wished to remain anonymous, question was:


"sometimes I'm just too tired to go to bed at night, and have been thinking about sleeping in my arm chair. How would I go about doing this?"


That's a very interesting question that I would have very much enjoyed answering for my local fellow inhabitant of my local area, but I was in a hurry to rush home and sit down and write a blog post about arm chairs instead.


Firstly we need to know what an arm chair is.

This is not a chair. It is a stool, and consequently it is most unsuitable for sleeping in.

This is a chair, but it is only suitable for seating in, not sleeping in (or on depending on your political personification. 

This is much more like thus the item of furniture that we was discussing just outside the happy shopper.

Instructions for use:

1. Sit in the chair
2. Read a book, or watch a television. (it doesn't matter what kind, Sony, Phillips, Samsung even)
3. Wait until you are tired.
4. DO NOT GO TO BED AT THIS POINT!
5. When you feel yourself drifting off to sleep let yourself go.
6. Now get a cloth from the kitchen and clean the chair.
7. Once chair is dry again, re-enter it and repeat process 1 - 4
8. Wake up next morning any make appointment with a chiropractor. 

Novelty Woman Inspirational Artwork Sketch.

I have been very busy this week, but I still managed to draw some wonderful artwork for your delight, and friendly to your wallet, while also solving your gift problems for months to come.


Fistly, I did this sketch:

I then decided that I could use my new found skills in Photoshop to create something magical with Photoshop. T-Shirts and Tea Towels.

You too could look like the cool guy at a summer BBQ, or even in B&Q!


































Or you could buy your auntie Ethel a lovely set of Tea Towels that she could use to dry the cats bowls with, or just to impress the vicar when he pops round for a crunch cream and a gossip!

Gel Pen Manufacturers Blog

I've found this very interesting website all about Gel Pens. The Gel Pen's Manufacturers Blog. A very interesting blog about Gel pens, and how they were invented. Anyone can now use gel pens.

Gel pens tend to produce a bolder line and smudge less than other types of pen. The ink can also be produced in a much wider range of colors and this can include fluorescent, metallic and glittery effects which can work well on darker paper. The size of the nib on a gel pen can vary from around 0.18mm to 1.5mm and the advantages that they provide make them popular with a range of professions. This can include teachers, with the bold lines and vibrant color showing up well when marking papers and also graphic artists with the range of colors suiting them well. However they can be used by anyone and as well as being simply for writing they are also popular for art, with the colors and effects in which they can be produced making them ideal for this.

I think this is true, that anyone can now use Gel pens. You don't need to be a proffessional to use them anymore since they were invented in the 1880's. I imagine back then they were very expensive and people without any money couldn't buy them. As you know I'm a big fan of the GEL PEN. I find that somehow my cartoons are more funnier when they are drawn by GEL PENS. And having them available in so many bright and vivid colours is just an added bonus for me, you, teachers, and professional graphic designers the world over.


All hail the GEL PEN! 


Here's a caricature of my son, which looks nothing like him:

Siege mentality.

When I first started my successful cartoon career, I was often asked why I was bothering, as I was pretty good at the job I was doing at the time anyway, and I couldn't drawer for toffee. Well I'm the sort of person that when I'm told I can't do something, I want to do it all the more!

Like my ex-next door neighbour who told me that I couldn't sunbathe in my own garden naked! How dare he tell me what I couldn't do!!! As it happens I wasn't even sunbathing naked in my back garden. I was wearing speedos, but he couldn't see them due to an unfortunate thyroid problem I was suffering from in the mid-90's (all cleared up now, thankfully). But I wasn't going to be bossed about by someone who didn't even have an upstairs lavatory for guests, and a poorly installed conservatory.


I took the same view of those who sought to dissuade me from becoming a cartoonist. I instinctively knew that my cartoons were brilliant, so what other people thought was largely irrelevant. I'm happy to say that I was proved right in the end. This site has had over 511000 visitors since it's launch in February 2010 (11,000 since March  2010 alone!), and as I proved in a recent post - many positive search results on Google.


Now, I am considering myself as an experienced cartoonist. I provide help and support to many web cartoonists - who actively seek my wise advice on all matters concerning cartooning matters. If you need to know which type of paper to use with which type of pencil or pen - then I can advise. Soon I will be launching my own cartoon correspondence school, but unlike others out there - I will be upfront about the costs. 


The same goes for clients who might want to use my services or cartoons. I publish my prices up front, unlike many cartoonists who are very secretive about what they charge. Why do they do that? I've no idea. Seems very stupid to me (and most other people). If I was a client and I wanted a cartoonist to drawer a cartoon for my website or newsletter - I would want to know how much it was going to cost right away. It's no accident that many of these so called 'professional' cartoonists appear nowhere in a Google search for "cheap cartoonist".


So if you want a "cheap cartoonist" for your recession busting business - then look no further than Leonard Gubbins*




*I'm also available for Search Engine Optimisation, Tarot Reading, and Oven Cleaning (weekday evenings only).

Google is my friend.

I have often being asked. This charming, and successful blog was started just a few short months ago, but already it ranks very highly for some key search terms - which is a clear demonstration of how important it is for the internet to have this thus blog in existance. What would the gap be filled with if this site didn't exist? Probably another website of dancing kittens - a search term which this blog doesn't rank at all for.

So some of the terms that this blog ranks so highly for include:

• "cartoon chocolate digestive" - #1 position from 15,200 results!!!
• "steve bright talent" - #1 postion, from over 1,700,000 results - just a few up from a Stephen Gately video clip!!!
• "gel pen cartoons" - #15 position from around 78,500 results (second page!)
• "local post office gel pens cartoons" #1 position from 14,000 results.

Demonstrating that it's how you use Google that matters. As long as people use it properly, then I rank number 1 for just about any cartoon related search you care to think of.

Many times people have tried to tell me that my cartoons were not as good as others that they'd seen, but I'm sure they'll be laughing on the other side of their faces - having seen the evidence that they are in FACT so good, that Google ranks them so well.

And that's why Google is my friend, and Xezop993 doesn't know what the hell, he (or she) is talking about.

Stress Avoidance. Part 1

Stress is a modern disease. In the olden days, people didn't get stressed. They had very easy lives, and nothing ever went wrong for them. The most they had to worry about was finding enough food to eat, or how to wash their clothes without a washing machine.


The modern world is a stressful place, and many people suffer from stress and can get quite shouty with other people because they are stressed. Just about everything these days can be a great source of stress. How to make enough money to buy chocolate biscuits for when you have important guests visiting your home, which might have an impossibly sized mortgage on it, which is yet another source of stress.


Fortunately I have some experience of stress counselling, and in this series of articles I will be covering some of the most common sources of stress, to help you and your people cope and manage the stresses that we all have to deal with on a day to day basis.


So don't worry about not being able to pay your mortgage and being made homeless during the worst recession that this country has ever seen, while your children are forced from your grasp and placed in a grim orphanage for the Government to perform medical experiments on them until you clear all your debts and pay back the loan sharks. There is no need to stress!


Next time: How to avoid getting stressed while reading internet blogs.

Welcome Paul Mahoney, our latest Talent Free Author.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome our latest Talent Free author, Mr Paul Mahoney. He's very kindly agreed to provide this blog with his expert insight into all things concerning rodent contraception, the best plumbers based in the Northwest, Gel Pen techniques, and of course how to make millions of pounds from drawing cartoons.


I'm sure Paul will be providing some really really good articles that will outshine our current Talent Free authors by a large margin. He has promised to publish some Talent Free cartoons, up to 50 times per day, which means that Cathy will be able to take that long promised caravan holiday at long last.


*Photo is not of Mr Mahoney.

How to haggle. Part 1.

I am often asked how that I am coping with the worst recession since records began, being a new cartoonist business person expert, that is yet to receive the influx of £20 notes that I expected to receive by now, I am forced to be a canny shopper. Particularly when making purchases in charity shops.

Now many people in this country are not very good at haggling, and even less so when "it's for charity", but I think it would be stupid to ignore the possibilities available to the strong minded bargain hunter. Last week I was in the local Age Concern shop, looking for something classy for the wife/girlfriends birthday. Having browsed the various brick-a-brac on sale at this particular branch, I noticed a rather fetching "Elvis Presley" mirrored picture. It looked like something I once missed out on a bidding war on Ebay, and thought it would be an ideal addition to the downstairs toilet, and of course a splendid gift for the said Wife/girlfriend.

She said that £5.50 was the price set by Marjorie, and as she wasn't in on Tuesdays she couldn't do anything about the price! I was quite rightly disgusted with this attitude, and refused to agree to such a high asking price. After around 45 minutes of just repeatedly asking for a 50% discount, and this elderly woman stubbornly refusing to see the "the customer is always right", she asked me to leave the shop, or she would call the police.

I can't understand why charity shops employ such dogmatic people. Clearly she was thinking more about her commission, rather than focussing on creating a satisfied customer, that might pop in to buy an ashtray or a bobble-less cardigan in the future. Age concern have lost me as a customer now. Once I find a shop that won't treat me well, I refuse to ever shop there again. That's why I no longer shop at Rumbelows. As far as I'm concerned, those sort of businesses can go bankrupt! Hopefully the local Age Concern shop will learn some lessons from this before that happens.

The Cartoonist Club Of England.

People often ask me how they can get ahead in the highly competitive world of professional cartooning. Well, I have for some time being involved in the excellent CARTOON CLUB OF ENGLAND Which was established in February 2010 to help and support cartoonists, both amatuer and professional. It's a fun club (unlike some others that are stuffy and insist that you have some artistic capability). Even if you can't draw for toffee Then you are still welcome to join. The only joining requirement is the paying of the annual subscription of £20. For this, you get the right to display this splendid logo on your blog or website, regular FREE email newsletters, a twice yearly contest to win some Argos Vouchers (value depending on how many members we get) and of course advice and assistance to promote your work on this website.

Think of it as a bit like Rolfs Cartoon Club, but without the Austrailian. We will not allow Austrailians to ruin this club!