Top TEN things to do if you find out your next door neighbours are getting divorced.

Cartoon about divorcing neighbors. Available for sale
through this website. Unique sou -veneer 

Divorce is a popular statistic these days. Many people are doing it for all sorts of reasons. Some people are doing it because they are doing it.


What many people don't realise when they get divorced, is the effect that this will have on the people around them. Neighbours for instance. Quite often neighbours won't realise that their neightbours are getting a divorce until it's already happened and this can make things very awkward. Imagine popping over to borrow the lawn mower, only to find out that the lawn mower AND the lawn have been taken by the partner that is no more!


Here's a list of things that neighbours can do to avoid uncomfortable situations.


1. Talk to your neighbours at least once per week.
2. Take notes, if you overhear any arguments taking place. This could be valuable evidence, if things become real flaky pastry!  
3. Look out of your windows several times per day and make mental note of any visitors to the neighbours house. Plumber visiting 3 times per week for the last 4 months? Probably having an affair which could end in divorce.
4. Listen for typical 70's porn music coming from the house when the plumber is there. It could be very loud, drowning out any dialog!
5. If you lend your neighbour anything, ensure that you get it back withing a week or so. This reduces the chances that it'll get lost in the division of assets. It's your hedge trimmer, she has no right to give it to her new boyfriend.
6. If you think your neighbours are about to get divorced, then decide which neighbour you are going to side with. Probably best to pick the one that is most likely to remain in the house.
7. Do not under any circumstances offer to take a hit on the cheating partner. It is murder and you will go to prison (where many of your neighbours are likely to be divorced!)
8. If one partners belongings get thrown into the street, offer to browse through them and make an offer for any items you'd like (check electrical items are working first!). The thrown out partner will be grateful for the extra money that they'll need to spend on a B&B accommodation.
9. Don't take either neighbour in as a lodger, unless you need the £4,390 pa rent that you can charge tax free.
10. Good luck. Chances are that both your newly divorced neighbours will have to leave the marital home sooner or later. You will now get new neighbours. They may be friendly, or they may be common scum with a rabid dog and asbo kids. Whatever you do, try not to worry.

I want to tattoo your arm!

I've had this great idea that I've seen on some other websites. Having drawn lots of really popular cartoons, that people just simply adore, someone that is a very good online friend has suggested that she'd quite like to see my cartoon policeman tattooed onto her arm or buttock. Now I'm not really used to tattooing people's skin. I'm more familiar with tattooing pieces of paper with a gel pen, but being the professional that I have decided to be, I have agreed to do this on her kitchen table next week!

Of course in line with my current fees having to be increased because of the imminent VAT increase, I now find myself having to charge £30 per cartoon, but the good news for my very good online friend is that the image on her arm will belong to her exclusively (so if she wants to have someone take a photo of her, with her arm attached) then I will not be charging a further license fee, unlike some other rip of cartoonists that, while making lots of money and driving flash cars like 59 plate Nissan Notes, will exploit their customers. The arm image will belong to her, as sure as any infection will also be entirely her responsibility.


It seems her father was once a policeman, until he was pushed out of the force for an unfortunate incident with a potato peeler and a repeat offender in the late 1980's, and as a tribute to her dad, she'd like a tattoo with the image below. I think that's a lovely thing for a daughter to do for her father. Heavily tattooed daughters, always love their daddies. That is clear.


Now to hit Google, or TalentWriter Community Website for articles on how to tattoo an arm or bottom with a fatherly tribute.

I've won the lottery.

Wonderful news has just broke. Someone in the UK has won the Euromillion lottery. I haven't won this lottery, but I have won the lottery of life. However if I did win the lottery and had lots of money all of a sudden I would probably give up cartooning for a while. After all, I'm only in this game to get rich.

But if I had won the lottery, after I'd paid off all my debts to Bright-Home, The Kays Catalogue, Primark store card, and YES car credit - I would probably give the rest of the money away! Always I have been known for my generous and modest nature. All those times I've told big Dave in the chippy to "keep the penny, put it in the jar for the spastics", and other such random acts of kindness that I would never publicise myself, out of an extreme sense of modesty. I'd probably give so much away to Save The Mongolian House Butterfly and the Conservative Benevolent Fund, that there'd be none left for myself! LOL

But with the money left, I would definitely buy a Rolls Royce Album, or possibly a CD. And then give it to a children's charity for new hearing aids or something like that. I don't know what they'd use the money for. Perhaps some new balls for their ball pool? I don't know. I've never visited a children's charity.

I'm going to draw Penelope Cruze.

I've decided that it might be quite good fun to draw somthing cartoonists call a caricature. That is a picture (or drawing) of someone done in a cartooney style, but instead of just looking like a cartoon drawing that I've copied from another cartoonist (so many cartoons are all the same these days. Drawn with lines. Lettering for the caption etc) this one will look like I had the celebrity right there in front of my drawing pad when I did this.

My plan to do this drawing and make it look like the celebrity that I want it to look like is to draw the picture while quickly looking at my pad and then quickly looking at a photo of the celebrity back and forth as I go. I'm going to draw the celebrity just like they appear in the photo, and then exaggerate their features to add some fun and uniqueness to the drawing. If I didn't do this, then it would just be a drawing of the celebrity.

Remember I am not an artist, and I'm also a single mum.

I'm hoping Penelope Cruze will give me at least £20 for this drawing caricature of herself image.

Here we go.....

I think that worked out quite well. I'm sending it to Penelope Cruze today, but I have to send it by email, as I don't have a colour printer. If she wants it for her art collection, she'll just have to print it out herself.

How can the country save money and rescue the economy?

Many people have asked me how we as a nation can get out of this terrible mess that the last Government left us in after forcing us to spend money like crazy on exotic holidays and BMW X5's, like there was no tomorrow. I too was caught up in the whole spend spend spend craze. I went absolutely crazy several times buying business cards and bulk buys of gel pens in the good old days, but now it's time to pay off the debts. To be honest I was surprised to get a 'tab' at the local post office in the first place, but Mrs Dawson got carried away just as much as the next man.

Being a reasonable person she has given me another month to settle my account, which I'm confident of doing by making some simple sacrifices. Firstly I won't be allowing the girlfriend/wife to spend more than £38 on any one shopping trip (including the purchase of celebration cake), I will now insist that everyone in the household answers the phone within three rings, and immediately stop the common practice of ignoring the phone and using 1471 to screen calls and call them back all the time. This should reduce the phone bill by at least 70%. Benefits will be cut back, with immediate effect, and the children will now find their allowances are means tested. If they have more savings than me, they will have all benefits stopped immediately.

Of course we can all do our bit to economise, but this won't help the public finances. This is the money that the Government spend on our, or their own behalf.

Example of much cheaper cartoon for possible Government anti-smoking campaign.

I've been thinking of how a humble cartoonist like myself can help the Government to reduce their spending, and I've realised that they spend many thousands on publications, which often contain cartoons and or illustrations. If the Government used much cheaper cartoonists, like myself and others that I know, they could save a lot of money. If someone is reading a leaflet on giving up smoking, or a leaflet on haemorrhoid advice, I'm quite sure that the quality of the illustrations is not of any concern to those people. For a small sum, such as thus £20, the Government could have some really good cartoons (but, perhaps not top notch, or amusing) therefore making instant savings for the nation.

Of course we know that they won't do this, because as the Government before, they like to waste unnecessary money. I'm offering them a solution (I've tweeted a link to this article to my local MP) but it's up to them if they take it. £20, instead of, probably £500. It's not rocket science!

*I can also offer armchair legal advice to parish councils and local political parties.

Do you drink more than you think?

It's often claimed that people drink more than they think and that this is somehow harmful to them, but I disagree with this idea that people do drink more than they think. Even to have a drink, you have to think things like, what time does the pub open, or will that Advocate from last Christmas still be OK to drink? So instantly, before a single drop of drink has entered, you've already been thinking more than you have been drinking.

Of course once you start drinking, it's quite possible that you start stopping thinking quite as much as you would normally, but even the most drunkard drunk person is still thinking, even if it's such total nonsense as "I wonder what the cat would look like with a mohican" and other such trivial thoughts. It's still thinking!

*This website does not condone drinking of alcoholic beverages, or thinking so hard that you might realise that alcoholic beverages are a valid alternative to real life.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8745555.stm

How to make people laugh at your business.

Business is a serious business and nothing more so now that business is in declining from the recession created by Gordon Brown in his last budget. I have some experience of business management and franchise operations ( over 8 months at Burger King alone!) so I feel well placed to advise business people about their businesses.

Firstly, it's important to understand why your business isn't doing so well. Could it be that what you are selling, or the service you are offering isn't suitable for the current ecomonic climate that we all find ourselves in right now? Perhaps you are a luxury goods provider, and people can't afford your luxury goods at the moment, because they have just lost their jobs. Maybe you should think of opening a pound shop on your premises until things pick up a bit?

Pound shops can be an excellent place to conduct business when people haven't got enough money and they need a cheap car cleaning spong and a multipack of hula hoops to see them through the dark days of the worst recession we've ever seen since the last one.

Changing your business is just one step you can take to avoid having to live like a common or garden chav, but while you are busy 'downsizing' your business to something more suited to the economic reality of life these days in post Soviet Britain, you also need to consider that no business can go from high class watch makers and jewellers, to a pound shop without some excellent publicity materials and promotion.

If someone in Angola wants to find a pound shop in Sheffield for instance, you want to get the very best possible search result in Google. It's no good having meta tags or keywords for Sheffield Pound Shop - as all the other pound shops in Sheffield will have gone for that obvious tag. No, what you need is something more specific, like for instances thus this, if your name is David Groat, then what you need is to be number 1 for the search term "david groat, no longer a high class watch maker and jeweller, but now a pound shop until things pick up a bit"

Using this sytem will guarantee you the number 1 spot for anyone anywhere in the whole world who wants to know where the best pound shop is in northern Britain. and searches for that term!

Alongside all of that there services which can be provided by any good popular SEO expert, you will need something eyecatching to attract people to your new pound shop (or whatever scummy type of business you decide to do until things pick up a bit). I suggest that something like a cartoon logo for your shop and publicity material would be a very good start.

Here is an few examples of the sort of cartoon logos that I can create for your business to see you through the recession, and avoid that sale of that much loved kidney.

I can be contacted for quotes for all such commissioned work via my normal contact email address (business email) leonard.gubbins@googlemail.com or HERE

I need a fix of lemonade.

With all this hot weather we have been having I'm surprised that there isn't more Lemonade cartoons in the popular press. I cam up with the idea for this hilarious cartoon, but thinking of what type of drink would be nice in the hot weather and then thinking of how to make this into a very funny cartoon that people would love.

None of that worked, so I drew this instead.

Rip off car insurance. Grrrrrrrr.....

I was charged with seeking a good deal for my wife/girlfriends car insurance, so I visited the local insurance broker (broker is an appropriate name for them, as they seem to specialise in breaking people!). I gave them all the information required for them to do a search on the details required. I get a quote for £345 for 1 years insurance including a no claims discount of 3 years. Everything seemed fine, when I get a phone call from the broker the next day to say that the insurance has been refused because I'd forgotten to tell them about a little accident my girlfriend had over 4 years ago when driving her Fiat Tipo.

Now when I tried to seek another insurance policy I was told that the price would now be over £1,000 as a result of this minor shunt she had in her Fiat Tipo. WHAT??? This is a complete rip off. I was furious, and if the police hadn't already been called I would have probably given them a reason to claim on their insurance. Don't insurance companies realise that once someone has had such a minor shunt, they are MORE CAREFUL IN THE FUTURE! Therefore, thus making them safer drivers in the future. I'm sick and tired of this rip -of -Britain that I've been told about in the quality press such as thus Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph. This is just another example of it. Well now we are making a stand against R.O.B. and needless to say my Wife/Girlfriend is now driving without any insurance at all. I understand there's a fund available for un-insured drivers to make claims on anyway, so it seems pointless to just let them financially rape her like this.

Instructions for hands.

I'm often asked how do I draw hands when I'm drawing my cartoons. Well, here is the first of many tutorials on drawing hands. We'll start with a 'grabbing' hand, or 'clutching' hand, which can be very important when drawing talent free cartoons such as thus:

Hairy wrists are entirely optional, and probably not appropriate if you are drawing a cartoon of a grasping woman, for instance.

Off my shopping trolley.

I'm often asked what I know about layers and backgrounds. To be honest, very little, but I'm not going to let something like that stop me from explaining to you what they are.

Here's a picture I recently did for a childrens book illustration (due to be published within the next 2 years).

As you can see I have created a rather wonderful background for this picture with very professional looking gradients (more about them later).
Now the trick is to use layers for each element of the picture, so I can get rid of the bits of the picture which I don't want to be there with just a simple click of my moose. Thus, therefore this:

And thus there we have it. Off with the shopping trolley. I didn't have to draw the picture twice. I used the layers function of the menu to 'hide' the shopping trolley from view before saving it twice. That bit was the hardest work.

Here's the background on it's own, which you can download to place your own creations withon it. What funny ideas can you think of for such a background image? Perhaps you'd like to draw a dog, or maybe some kind of man with a large gardening implement? I'm looking forward to seeing them all. Please email them to me at the usual address (please, no more Korean spam). The one which wins the first prize will win an all expenses trip to having a link on this very website to their own website.

Smile cartoon.

I was recently asked to provide a cartoon for promotion of a local dental surgery and came up with this.

I'm still waiting to see if the dentist will chose my cartoon to go through to the next round of "smile for a cartoon" campaign he's started. Fingers cross. There's a massive discount on root canal work available. (the other local cartoonists I know about all have dentures - I believe).

Gordon Brown has an election.

It's election time, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to show you all my caricature of Mr Gordon Brown, the current prime minister of England.

I used Photoshit, a free image editor for children, and to colour it in a bit I used an optical mouse.

I find it incredibly easy to drawer carticatures of famous people who have a photograph on Google images. I think I've captured something very special about this popular public figure.

The drawing was hand shaded using the fill tool.

How to haggle. Part 1.

I am often asked how that I am coping with the worst recession since records began, being a new cartoonist business person expert, that is yet to receive the influx of £20 notes that I expected to receive by now, I am forced to be a canny shopper. Particularly when making purchases in charity shops.

Now many people in this country are not very good at haggling, and even less so when "it's for charity", but I think it would be stupid to ignore the possibilities available to the strong minded bargain hunter. Last week I was in the local Age Concern shop, looking for something classy for the wife/girlfriends birthday. Having browsed the various brick-a-brac on sale at this particular branch, I noticed a rather fetching "Elvis Presley" mirrored picture. It looked like something I once missed out on a bidding war on Ebay, and thought it would be an ideal addition to the downstairs toilet, and of course a splendid gift for the said Wife/girlfriend.

She said that £5.50 was the price set by Marjorie, and as she wasn't in on Tuesdays she couldn't do anything about the price! I was quite rightly disgusted with this attitude, and refused to agree to such a high asking price. After around 45 minutes of just repeatedly asking for a 50% discount, and this elderly woman stubbornly refusing to see the "the customer is always right", she asked me to leave the shop, or she would call the police.

I can't understand why charity shops employ such dogmatic people. Clearly she was thinking more about her commission, rather than focussing on creating a satisfied customer, that might pop in to buy an ashtray or a bobble-less cardigan in the future. Age concern have lost me as a customer now. Once I find a shop that won't treat me well, I refuse to ever shop there again. That's why I no longer shop at Rumbelows. As far as I'm concerned, those sort of businesses can go bankrupt! Hopefully the local Age Concern shop will learn some lessons from this before that happens.