How to tell if your partner's cheating (and not just at cards)

Your female intuition is telling you that your man might be having it off with someone else, but if you’re a bloke then your female intuition isn’t a fat lot of use, so borrow someone else’s (remember to ask first).

First how to tell if he’s lying:
Ask him a direct yes/no question, like: 'Are you dipping your little pen in someone else's inkpot?' Then look quickly behind his back. If he’s got his fingers crossed – HE ISN’T TELLING THE TRUTH!

What happens when you accuse him of cheating?
If he puts on a cloak and attacks you with a dagger, you’re probably right.

Evidence of cheating
Have you actually caught him bonking someone else? You can tell if this is happening if he’s in bed getting his rocks off with someone, and you’re nowhere near the bed at the time. It’s a fair bet it’s not you.

Is he taking more interest in changing his underwear? Perhaps he’s changed it for the first time in eight years. If he comes back in wearing a frilly crimson thong which you haven’t seen before, he’s probably got it from someone else.

Is the other woman someone you know?
Does your husband insist on giving your best friend a lift home, and then not coming back for three weeks? What is their body language like when they are together? Does he try to stick his tongue down her throat when normally he’d just shake her hand?

How does your friend react when you openly display affection to your husband? Does she look aggravated, and attack you with a baseball bat?

The above are just a few indications that your man may be putting it about a bit; he may also be dishonest in other ways. Here’s a handy diagram to help you identify an unfaithful husband. If, of course, you’re a bloke, then colour in a bit more hair so it looks like a woman.

By the way, drawing cartoons of the standard required by Talent Free is much harder than it looks. In the end I had to get Tootsie to help out. My admiration for Leonard grows daily - he just makes it look so EASY.