Dunkin' Biscuits

I am often asked about dunking biscuits – possibly because of the prevalence of biscuits among my garden furniture and then people think I live my life surrounded by biscuits and think of little else. The roof tiles consist of large cream crackers, and possibly this adds to that impression.

I was recently asked, by someone in an earnest quest for knowledge, whether it was better to dunk rich tea biscuits in my own bath, or someone else’s. This got me thinking – good question, yes, but it’s always wise to heed the advice given by my great aunt Cornelia:

“You really shouldn’t wee in the bath. Especially when your mum’s already in there.”

Sadly, many do not heed such a warning, and see no problem in sitting there in what amounts to a tub full of very dilute urine; in the mistaken belief that this will somehow assist them in their personal hygiene. So, my advice to anyone looking to dunk their rich tea biscuits should examine the water carefully before the biccie takes the plunge … is it a faint yellow colour? If yes, pull the plug out and refill before trying a dunk.

Sometimes crafty people will disguise their ablutory activities by the addition of bath salts, bubble bath and similar, and should you encounter a bath full of suspiciously scented chemicals, have no hesitation in pulling the plug out and refilling the bath.

In either of these cases, don’t worry if the person IS still in there. Serves ‘em right.

This theme will be continued in future articles and will cover such topics as:
* Is it wise to dunk building materials to soften them before eating?

* How to create a mathematical formula to establish the optimum size and shape of a potential dunking biscuit, given the height and depth of the tea receptacle.

* The best thing to do with the half an inch of gunk you get at the bottom of the mug.