Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Another summer precautionary tale

I was working in a psychiatric unit only the other day, when one of the clients related the following story:

"The other day I was walking down my front garden path, when a man said to me 'Nice tits!' and I said 'They are rather, aren't they? Would you like to come in and have a closer look?'

He readily agreed, and I took him out to my back garden, where there were plenty of exemplars of the genus Paridae. I pointed out cyanistes caeruleus, periparus ater and parus major. I pointed out that I had known cyanistes caeruleus to be described as 'featherus nibblius cheekii', but that this was probably something in the nature of a jape.

Then, right on cue, entered a small flock of aegithos caudatus and I explained that these do not belong to the genus Paridae at all, but to Aegithalidae, which are African birds more commonly known as 'babblers'.

To my surprise and horror, he said 'They aren't the only ones!' and attempted to grope me in the chest region. So I hit him over the head with a bird table, he jumped over the garden fence and I haven't seen him since. Of course, this disturbed all the feeding birds and it took a good half hour before normality was resumed. How can I prevent garden pests attempting to ruin my paradise of tranquility in the future? Do you think a hand grenade would help?"

I've advised her not to take this route, and to pay more attention to her personal hygiene. Leonard's warning about the 'council house shower' was both timely and pertinent. Whoops, that nearly came out as 'council hose shower' - but that can be useful too.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Getting away with murder - a practical guide. Part 1.

Some people are problematic. Some people are quite nice until you upset them. Some people are lovely, no matter how horrid you are to them and you'd wish that they'd just leave you alone.

VW golf with colour coded wing mirrors.

Some people you have never met, and you never will because they are either living somewhere silly, like a remote Scottish island or they might just shop at a different supermarket to you. Some people you will meet in a dodgy club or bar (pub if you live in England), and under the influence of alcohol, you'll agree to visit them at their home to view their new decking, only later finding out that it was their strange estranged boyfriend that installed it and not the (expensive) and professional decking installers that they first tell you did it for a great sum of money paid for with a large bankers draft. Now this not need be a problem, unless that thus said estranged boyfriend then decides that you have taken what they see as their property and thus decided to re-arrange their furniture in a manner that they don't approve of and they take to damaging the bonnet (or hood if you live in America) of your Volkswagon Golf.

What you can do about this common problem is difficult. Clearly something must be done to stop the erratic estranged boyfriend causing damage to your Volkswagon Golf, before the engine itself gets dented and stops working properly. Call the police? Yes, perhaps that's a good idea, but the police will demand proof that the estranged boyfriend has caused the damage, and without expensive CCTV footage of this happening, it's difficult to do.

The best approach I tell the many people that come to me with this problem, is to perhaps double check facts when you are being enticed to view a woman's decking. Asking for a invoice from a proper VAT registered company could be a start, or if she doesn't have that information, perhaps just phoning the company involved direct from the bar.

Next time: Getting away with IT.

Sunday, 27 June 2010

How to minimise the effects of the VAT increase on your level of self-indulgence and narcissism

I am often asked how I intend to reduce my contribution to the National Debt, and whether it would be a good idea to send Honey Fungus (Armillaria mellea) to George Osborne. The latter would do no good, as he’d either fry the blighters in butter with a touch of garlic, a squeeze of black pepper and enjoy them for breakfast; either that, or it’d cause a massive reduction in Sherwood Forest.

But as for reducing the National Debt, or at least MY National Debt… VAT will soon be going up to 20%. That’s a lot. It has the potential to calculate a fifth of the cost of everything you purchase of value, and add it on. That means you will only be afford 80% of what you would have been able to afford if we had proper prices. However, there are creative ways around this. VAT is not levied on the following:

• food
• books, newspapers and magazines
• young children's clothing and footwear
• special exempt items - for example equipment for disabled people

Young children’s clothing and footwear are cheaper. But they only fit smaller people. You have a choice, then, of buying not VATable food, and getting bigger or (and not many people realise this) of not buying any of it, getting smaller and therefore being able to get into cheaper, smaller clothes which were intended for children. Mind you, given the rise in childhood obesity you may not even need to watch your diet.

Of course, VAT is not levied on second-hand goods – particularly helpful if you’re buying gloves – and goods that you nick in the first place are even cheaper! I’ve tried this with clothes, pinching them from the washing lines of my next-door-neighbours. However, I’m only 24, and the neighbours on one side are 126 and the neighbours on the other are nudists. I’ve found that the 126-year-old apparel options have been in and out of fashion approximately 37 times, so it’s just a matter of time before I dare to leave the house wearing their togs.

There are many ways, therefore, of reducing your expenditure yet minimising the effects of looking like a total loser. Just follow this blog to find ways of maintaining your status as cheapskate whilst building up a reputation as a hilarious and highly successful cartoonist!

Saturday, 26 June 2010

How can the country save money and rescue the economy?

Many people have asked me how we as a nation can get out of this terrible mess that the last Government left us in after forcing us to spend money like crazy on exotic holidays and BMW X5's, like there was no tomorrow. I too was caught up in the whole spend spend spend craze. I went absolutely crazy several times buying business cards and bulk buys of gel pens in the good old days, but now it's time to pay off the debts. To be honest I was surprised to get a 'tab' at the local post office in the first place, but Mrs Dawson got carried away just as much as the next man.

Being a reasonable person she has given me another month to settle my account, which I'm confident of doing by making some simple sacrifices. Firstly I won't be allowing the girlfriend/wife to spend more than £38 on any one shopping trip (including the purchase of celebration cake), I will now insist that everyone in the household answers the phone within three rings, and immediately stop the common practice of ignoring the phone and using 1471 to screen calls and call them back all the time. This should reduce the phone bill by at least 70%. Benefits will be cut back, with immediate effect, and the children will now find their allowances are means tested. If they have more savings than me, they will have all benefits stopped immediately.

Of course we can all do our bit to economise, but this won't help the public finances. This is the money that the Government spend on our, or their own behalf.

Example of much cheaper cartoon for possible Government anti-smoking campaign.

I've been thinking of how a humble cartoonist like myself can help the Government to reduce their spending, and I've realised that they spend many thousands on publications, which often contain cartoons and or illustrations. If the Government used much cheaper cartoonists, like myself and others that I know, they could save a lot of money. If someone is reading a leaflet on giving up smoking, or a leaflet on haemorrhoid advice, I'm quite sure that the quality of the illustrations is not of any concern to those people. For a small sum, such as thus £20, the Government could have some really good cartoons (but, perhaps not top notch, or amusing) therefore making instant savings for the nation.

Of course we know that they won't do this, because as the Government before, they like to waste unnecessary money. I'm offering them a solution (I've tweeted a link to this article to my local MP) but it's up to them if they take it. £20, instead of, probably £500. It's not rocket science!

*I can also offer armchair legal advice to parish councils and local political parties.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Hilarious spontanious cartoon.

After all the alcohol related cartoons of late, I have decided that this blog needs to sober itself up somewhat. Yes, it was interesting to find out about Mr Brights carpet (which doesn't sound quite so bright after his measurement issues), but it's time to move on.

Medical matters can be a wonderful source for humour related cartoons, and here is one of my recent cartoons on the subject. Apparently The Lancet don't publish cartoons, as the, may I say rather snooty receptionist imformed me when I phoned to ask for the email address of the cartoon editor. Well while they might be all knowing about medical matters, clearly they have no idea about humour based cartoons in publications. It must be a very dry read. That's all I can say.

If you have a dry publication, then let me help moisten it with a custom made cartoon for your publication.

Monday, 21 June 2010

Government Spends £17,500 on wine.

News today reveals that the Government has spend £17,500 on wine since the general election! Going on the read the news report, it sets out that they buy wine young, to benefit from a lower price. I find that quite a ridiculous claim, as when I was young and getting others to buy some wine for me, it cost exactly the same as it did for someone of the legal age.

It seems this Government has taken no time at all to immerse themselves in sleaze. I expected they'd at least wait until the Christmas party before they'd conduct themselves in such an appalling manner. All the while, us poor taxpayers and working mothers are struggling with the constant pressure on our own alcohol budgets/nappy buying. Always offers on cheap cider, but how rare are 2 for 1 offers on nappies? (not that my grown  up children need nappies, unless they drink too much White Lightening!). Why can't the Government just buy cheap wine from one of the supermarkets? They could have got at least twice as much booze for less than £17,500. Probably they could have got some special offers or something, like I did only last week in Asda.

It's the population that should be spending record amounts on alcohol since the general election - not the Government!

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Do you drink more than you think?

It's often claimed that people drink more than they think and that this is somehow harmful to them, but I disagree with this idea that people do drink more than they think. Even to have a drink, you have to think things like, what time does the pub open, or will that Advocate from last Christmas still be OK to drink? So instantly, before a single drop of drink has entered, you've already been thinking more than you have been drinking.

Of course once you start drinking, it's quite possible that you start stopping thinking quite as much as you would normally, but even the most drunkard drunk person is still thinking, even if it's such total nonsense as "I wonder what the cat would look like with a mohican" and other such trivial thoughts. It's still thinking!

*This website does not condone drinking of alcoholic beverages, or thinking so hard that you might realise that alcoholic beverages are a valid alternative to real life.

Friday, 18 June 2010

Wedding Caricatures.

I've decided that just drawing cartoons for websites and missing cat posters is not lucrative enough. The landlord is due back from his extended stay in Moscow soon, and so I need to make cartooning pay even more than it already has done. I also need some new gel pens since my last lot were melted, still in the WHSmith packaging, in a tragic incident on my bathroom windowsill in this extreme heat we have been having of such lately.

So I've decided that a good way to make some serious money is to give the gift of caricatures are people's weddings. I think I could charge much more than £20 per cartoon for this, and I don't imagine people at a wedding want to sit around too long to have their picture drawn, so I can probably draw 20 caricatures in an hour, therefore thus earning about £500 per hour!

I do find drawing ugly people, freaks if you like, much easier, so I might have to decline drawing normal or plain people and just concentrate on those people who have weird glasses or other interesting facial features. People who look like cartoon characters already would be good. I  just need to find a way to advertise to people having freak weddings, and I'm quids in.

Don't worry, I won't get above myself and stop this invaluable resource on the internet. Talent Free is here to stay!!!

Well, it's good to be back after a short break. I do apologise for the lack of posts over the last week or so. My fellow bloggers have been far too busy to assist with the running of this valuable resource, what with various court cases and assisting police with their enquiries, community service and subscription kidnap attempt theme weekends. All very interesting, but sadly not conducsive to running a successful website. I do hope no one's cartooning career has been adversely affected by lack of Talent Free advice.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

I eventually managed to follow Leonard's tutorial ...

Just to prove I can really do it - here's a proper TALENT FREE cartoon! I've found the trick is to draw in low light without wearing my glasses, which ensures effectively that I can't see properly and - bingo! A TALENT FREE cartoon, which I'm sure will sit on a par with Leonard's brilliant and hilarious cartoons!

I think this would be a very good cartoon advert for a very successful company which goes around supplying potholes with a variety of exciting fillings. Except that this pothole hasn't got its filling yet. It's all black to show that it's in shadow, not that it's full of blackcurrant jam with black mould on the top.

Monday, 7 June 2010

How to make people laugh at your business.

Business is a serious business and nothing more so now that business is in declining from the recession created by Gordon Brown in his last budget. I have some experience of business management and franchise operations ( over 8 months at Burger King alone!) so I feel well placed to advise business people about their businesses.

Firstly, it's important to understand why your business isn't doing so well. Could it be that what you are selling, or the service you are offering isn't suitable for the current ecomonic climate that we all find ourselves in right now? Perhaps you are a luxury goods provider, and people can't afford your luxury goods at the moment, because they have just lost their jobs. Maybe you should think of opening a pound shop on your premises until things pick up a bit?

Pound shops can be an excellent place to conduct business when people haven't got enough money and they need a cheap car cleaning spong and a multipack of hula hoops to see them through the dark days of the worst recession we've ever seen since the last one.

Changing your business is just one step you can take to avoid having to live like a common or garden chav, but while you are busy 'downsizing' your business to something more suited to the economic reality of life these days in post Soviet Britain, you also need to consider that no business can go from high class watch makers and jewellers, to a pound shop without some excellent publicity materials and promotion.

If someone in Angola wants to find a pound shop in Sheffield for instance, you want to get the very best possible search result in Google. It's no good having meta tags or keywords for Sheffield Pound Shop - as all the other pound shops in Sheffield will have gone for that obvious tag. No, what you need is something more specific, like for instances thus this, if your name is David Groat, then what you need is to be number 1 for the search term "david groat, no longer a high class watch maker and jeweller, but now a pound shop until things pick up a bit"

Using this sytem will guarantee you the number 1 spot for anyone anywhere in the whole world who wants to know where the best pound shop is in northern Britain. and searches for that term!

Alongside all of that there services which can be provided by any good popular SEO expert, you will need something eyecatching to attract people to your new pound shop (or whatever scummy type of business you decide to do until things pick up a bit). I suggest that something like a cartoon logo for your shop and publicity material would be a very good start.

Here is an few examples of the sort of cartoon logos that I can create for your business to see you through the recession, and avoid that sale of that much loved kidney.

I can be contacted for quotes for all such commissioned work via my normal contact email address (business email) or HERE

Friday, 4 June 2010

Stress Avoidance. Part 1

Stress is a modern disease. In the olden days, people didn't get stressed. They had very easy lives, and nothing ever went wrong for them. The most they had to worry about was finding enough food to eat, or how to wash their clothes without a washing machine.

The modern world is a stressful place, and many people suffer from stress and can get quite shouty with other people because they are stressed. Just about everything these days can be a great source of stress. How to make enough money to buy chocolate biscuits for when you have important guests visiting your home, which might have an impossibly sized mortgage on it, which is yet another source of stress.

Fortunately I have some experience of stress counselling, and in this series of articles I will be covering some of the most common sources of stress, to help you and your people cope and manage the stresses that we all have to deal with on a day to day basis.

So don't worry about not being able to pay your mortgage and being made homeless during the worst recession that this country has ever seen, while your children are forced from your grasp and placed in a grim orphanage for the Government to perform medical experiments on them until you clear all your debts and pay back the loan sharks. There is no need to stress!

Next time: How to avoid getting stressed while reading internet blogs.

Tuesday, 1 June 2010


After watching tv or telly or even the box, but I prefer tv. Not that I am one, mind. Dressing up in a lady's clothes just isn't my thing. Especially as I cant find a decent pair of woman's frilly belows in Primark that don't cut in 'right there'.
( I was trying them on for a friend, if you must know.)
After watching the 'TEEVEE' on Saturday evening I actually started to wonder if Britain has actually got talent.
(She is a female friend. I wouldn't be trying them on for a man/male friend).
I mean, what's so talented about a bunch of grown up/ late teen men throwing around a bunch of young children at great speed & height. If I was to do that with some of the kids on my estate, I'd be up in front of the Beak, pronto 'nd no mistakin' on a charge of child abuse or 'chucking a scratter about willy nilly without the full permission of the rest of the neighbours the little shits have been tormenting'. I hope your reading this Kane, Ashley, Kai, Tyson, Kae-Leeiy, Tasheeniae-Embassy No.6, Bradpitt, Fiddy, June, Benefitcheque & Geoff. I'll have my day!
Body popping whilst wearing your clothes back to front. Come on, fellah. My mate Fat Gaz won a leg of lamb doing that in our local Slug & Lettuce & he'd just ran across the dance floor to hide in the toilets after getting caught nudey prodding with manager's wife thirty seconds earlier.
(I say she's a female friend. I sometimes have second thoughts when looking at her throat & big calloused hands.)
Don't get me started on dancing bleedin' dogs, either!!!!
(Actually, her winky's quite big, 'n' all).
A Britain's Got Talent cartoon is attached & I too, can vomit billiard balls for £20.00.
Paul x

High Definition TV

I'd like to admit that I don't watch much television these days, but I am very interested in these adverts I keep seeing on the TV that I don't watch about something they are calling High Definition TV (or television). It seems that even really terrible programs are enhanced by this super quality Television pictures available with High Definition TV.

I don't know about you, but I'd certainly like to see the skin pores on Angela Rippons face while she was hosting Cash in the Attic. I imagine she looks amazing for someone of her 'mature' age in years. She may be old, but I'm very much of the opinion that she'll never be an ugly munter. She'll be the best looking corpse in the grave yard, that's for sure. She's not even the sort to take out frivolous restraining orders, unlike pint sized Scottish belters, like Lulu for example. 

Anyway, I'm considering buying some HD (high definition) TV this weekend. I'm not sure what I need, but I reckon something around 40" will fit quite nicely in my through lounge alcove.