Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Getting away with murder - a practical guide. Part 1.

Some people are problematic. Some people are quite nice until you upset them. Some people are lovely, no matter how horrid you are to them and you'd wish that they'd just leave you alone.

VW golf with colour coded wing mirrors.

Some people you have never met, and you never will because they are either living somewhere silly, like a remote Scottish island or they might just shop at a different supermarket to you. Some people you will meet in a dodgy club or bar (pub if you live in England), and under the influence of alcohol, you'll agree to visit them at their home to view their new decking, only later finding out that it was their strange estranged boyfriend that installed it and not the (expensive) and professional decking installers that they first tell you did it for a great sum of money paid for with a large bankers draft. Now this not need be a problem, unless that thus said estranged boyfriend then decides that you have taken what they see as their property and thus decided to re-arrange their furniture in a manner that they don't approve of and they take to damaging the bonnet (or hood if you live in America) of your Volkswagon Golf.

What you can do about this common problem is difficult. Clearly something must be done to stop the erratic estranged boyfriend causing damage to your Volkswagon Golf, before the engine itself gets dented and stops working properly. Call the police? Yes, perhaps that's a good idea, but the police will demand proof that the estranged boyfriend has caused the damage, and without expensive CCTV footage of this happening, it's difficult to do.

The best approach I tell the many people that come to me with this problem, is to perhaps double check facts when you are being enticed to view a woman's decking. Asking for a invoice from a proper VAT registered company could be a start, or if she doesn't have that information, perhaps just phoning the company involved direct from the bar.

Next time: Getting away with IT.


  1. This is very good advice, Leonard. However, the warning about the potential damage to cars is not confined to the owners of VW Golfs. Citroens and Toyotas (all models) may be vulnerable, too, to it's important to take precautions when dealing with decking the opposite sex. Whichever sex you're starting from.

    It's very understandable that you might want to inspect a woman's decking, planking etc. After all, some of you out there are men. However, you may find in the first instance that it's better to do it at a distance (Google Earth comes in handy here); on the other hand, going up to a woman you quite fancy in a public place and saying in sotto voce tones "I say, you don't happen to have a photo of your decking on your i-phone, do you?" is bound to get you noticed.

  2. I take your point about the slim possibility of other cars being used as trampolines when a strange estranged boyfriend of a woman who's invited you back to her place to view her decking, after deciving you that it was constructed by paid professionals, Cathy - but in my experience, it's usually a VW Golf (with colour coded wing mirrors).

    Put simply, you cannot be too careful when it comes to a womans decking. I don't think the issue is as likely to arise with man decking, as any man worth his cloth, will tell you from the start that 'he built it', even if he paid some female ballarena down the road to do it instead.

  3. I think it's appalling to encourage such wanton criminal damage in the youth of Britain. It's this sort of thing that makes people think rioting is fun. It is not fun.

    Birch them all!!!