Sunday, 27 June 2010

How to minimise the effects of the VAT increase on your level of self-indulgence and narcissism

I am often asked how I intend to reduce my contribution to the National Debt, and whether it would be a good idea to send Honey Fungus (Armillaria mellea) to George Osborne. The latter would do no good, as he’d either fry the blighters in butter with a touch of garlic, a squeeze of black pepper and enjoy them for breakfast; either that, or it’d cause a massive reduction in Sherwood Forest.

But as for reducing the National Debt, or at least MY National Debt… VAT will soon be going up to 20%. That’s a lot. It has the potential to calculate a fifth of the cost of everything you purchase of value, and add it on. That means you will only be afford 80% of what you would have been able to afford if we had proper prices. However, there are creative ways around this. VAT is not levied on the following:

• food
• books, newspapers and magazines
• young children's clothing and footwear
• special exempt items - for example equipment for disabled people

Young children’s clothing and footwear are cheaper. But they only fit smaller people. You have a choice, then, of buying not VATable food, and getting bigger or (and not many people realise this) of not buying any of it, getting smaller and therefore being able to get into cheaper, smaller clothes which were intended for children. Mind you, given the rise in childhood obesity you may not even need to watch your diet.

Of course, VAT is not levied on second-hand goods – particularly helpful if you’re buying gloves – and goods that you nick in the first place are even cheaper! I’ve tried this with clothes, pinching them from the washing lines of my next-door-neighbours. However, I’m only 24, and the neighbours on one side are 126 and the neighbours on the other are nudists. I’ve found that the 126-year-old apparel options have been in and out of fashion approximately 37 times, so it’s just a matter of time before I dare to leave the house wearing their togs.

There are many ways, therefore, of reducing your expenditure yet minimising the effects of looking like a total loser. Just follow this blog to find ways of maintaining your status as cheapskate whilst building up a reputation as a hilarious and highly successful cartoonist!


  1. That's a lovely article Cathy. Many thanks for posting it. Did you notice the new star scoring system? That was me that was, giving you article FIVE stars, as a visual representation of how much I liked it very much.

    If any of the other 4 people who read this blog would like to contribute articles, just email me and I'll make you a guest author, and part of the talent free team.

    Did that sound desperate? I do hope not.

  2. VAT not levied on second hand goods? Of course it is - get your facts right, my dear!

  3. I quite agree. Getting facts right is so important.

    VAT is only chargable on second hand goods if the trader is VAT registered.

    If you steal some gloves from a VAT registered trader then I'm not sure about the tax regulations are, to be honest.

  4. I had a look on the HMRC website to see what the tax regulations are regarding stolen goods, whether they're stolen from a VAT registered trader or non VAT registered next door neighbours. You know what? There was NOTHING.

    Well, I'm not paying a penny until I get a proper VAT notice, with a letterhead an' all.

  5. It's a legal minefield stealing second hand gloves from VAT registered traders. Sometimes one might think that it would be far simpler to just haggle really well, and buy them for a steal instead.

    I buy all my gloves in the height of summer. Second hand glove traders are desperate at this time of year. Haggle hard, buy in pairs and don't buy your sandals until December is my advice.

  6. So many traders are as profession cheating to nation through VAT.

    Baby Bedding

  7. I am favour of VAT,for the shake of Nation we should accept this.I do not like to use other for remitting VAT

  8. I don't think it's possible to comment on this article any further.