Friday, 3 September 2010

How to tell if your girlfriend has got a lot of baggage (1)

All we men of the world have dated someone with a lot of baggage. When I say ‘we’, the more observant among you will notice that I’m not a man at all, let alone a man of the world, but that doesn’t stop me from making pronouncements on our behalf.

Firstly, all this baggage may be no bad thing. If you are someone whose marbles keep spilling all over the floor, or you’re scared that your nuts might drop and there’s nowhere for them to go to – you may find your girl’s got so many containers and receptacles that she won’t notice if you nick the odd Samsonite three case trolley set from her extensive collection.

So, what are the tell-tale signs?

Many women carry a handbag. This is a bit weird to we men who prefer to keep our little sausages nice and warm in our pockets, and it’s something to be aware of before you even start. She may even have a purse. Maybe she carries her laptop in a case.

A more extreme example may have a lot of scruffy old carrier bags full of what seems to be rubbish. If questioned, she will tell you that Prince Charles keeps trying to steal her belongings, especially the Rolls Royce, and so she needs to keep it with her at all times. This is not a woman you should be thinking of dating long term, especially if she doesn’t appear to have washed or changed her clothes for three years and hasn’t got any teeth. Though she may be interesting company if you fancy sharing the odd bottle of cider or methylated spirits on a park bench.

There is another type of woman, though, the extent of whose baggage will only become apparent on closer acquaintance. If you open the third drawer along in her kitchen, you will find it’s full of carrier bags. The more blatant women will even have them openly on display in an even larger carrier bag, probably one purporting to be from a prestigious establishment like Tesco’s. This is designed to impress you, and you must resist as firmly as you can. She will pretend to be disorganised just get even more bags from the local supermarket, with the lame duck excuse that she’s forgotten to bring her shopping trolley.

I now need to practise my droring style to fit in with these Talent Free cartoons so you have a diagram of what a woman with a lot of baggage might look like. This isn’t going to be easy. Here goes.

Try not to start a meaningful relationship with someone who looks like a one-lady-bottle-bank:


  1. My (current) wife/girlfriend has an awful lot of baggage. She still blames me for the incident in Skegnes, even though, as I keep pointing out, all charges were eventually dropped.

    Well done Cathy for creating a post from the male perspective. You're obviously not just another 'silly woman'. Kittens and curtains are probably right at the back of YOUR mind!

  2. Actually, Leonard, there's a lot of fluff at the back of my mind. Mostly blue/grey in colour, with the odd (and I mean, very odd!) pale brown bits.

    Nice though!

  3. Has anyone else noticed that "brain lint" is almost an anagram of 'brilliant', but not quite? Fascinating!