Tea Towel Misery. Not my fault.

No one knows how hard it is. I sit here, in between re-runs of Cash In The Attic, and Diagnosis Murder She Wrote wondering what I can drawer the people will hand over hard cash to have printed on a tea towel. It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be all those months ago. Sourcing Tea Towels that don't have a heavy Gingham pattern is the hardest part of the whole process.

Where can I buy plain cotton tea towels without any pattern on?

Perhaps I shouldn't have taken all those orders. Perhaps those people will never order something every again from the Internet because of me. Wedding anniversary's ruined, engagement parties cancelled. And it's all because of the tea towel mafia in this country that insist on ONLY making Gingham tea towels.

Perhaps with the new Government we are about to get, things will change and we can move this economy forwards.

I'm currently processing orders for shopping bags without zips. I hope I can find some.

How to avoid being shafted.

These days it's very difficult to know who you can trust and who is likely to shaft you at the first opportunity. Take a simple action of a transaction in a shop. How do you know that the shop assistant isn't going to short change you when you are buying something with a £20 note that costs, say, £1.43?

Many shop assistants are very low paid. They often hardly get enough money to provide their 15 children with sufficient space hoppers or socks, so the incentive for them to make a little money on the side from unsuspecting customers is quite strong.


If the shop assistant gives you two crisp £5 notes as your change, then you have definitely been shafted. Yes, two £5 notes, especially new ones that are crisp is quite a good feeling, but THIS ISN'T ENOUGH! The best way to avoid this happening is:

• Don't go shopping at all.
• Work out what your change should be BEFORE you approach the till.
• Only pay the exact amount of money each time.

Well I hope that has helped you to avoid being shafted in shop. Next week: How to avoid being shafted in a brothel.

As promised. A stunning caricature of Angela Rippon as she appeared on the Eric Morcambe comedy show in the 70s. She was one sexy, news reading mamma. And do you know what? I still would.
...."Thanks, Angela. This is Paul Mahoney reporting live from Twatt."

It's a place in Scotland. Honestly, you people.

Colours of the Master Race

Now that the new improved jazzed up Daleks have been introduced, isn't it time to add a splash of colour elsewhere.

What about boring old nuns and vicars? They dress in loads of black and a hint of white. Dullsville Arizona.

I see pink and lime green dog collars. Purple and orange habits. That should update the image of the church.

And what about labradors? Brown, Chocolate and Black are so not now. What's wrong with a nice electric blue lab and matching pooper scooper? That should turn a few heads when you're out in the park.

Come on Britain! Let's take a lead from those super duper trendy Daleks. Emulate! Emulate!

As Leonard's had to go off and have a bath ...

I thought I'd continue his task of educating the public in use of poo; there's even an official classification chart (see below):



Leonard's skill and training in these matters should not be underestimated; it takes a great deal of practice.

Of course, much of this sort of thing has reached popular culture, such as 'What has a hazelnut in every bite?' and 'swanee river'; and one health care professional of my acquaintance has likened the Bristol Stool Form Scale to those diagrams you get in boxes of chocolates to help you identify the different centres.

These should not be confused with the stools in my garden, which incorporate ritz crackers into their seats, and will be illustrated in a future post sometime. No, the stools in this post are strictly NOT for sitting on.

The First Day Of Summer. Part 2.

During my epic rise from part time supermarket cashier and weekend valeting operative to one of the best known cartoonist on Google.com I have often been struck by how easy it is to do just about anything you set your mind to.

Only the other day I was waiting at the bank to make a very modest deposit to my business account, when I got talking to an old acquittance I once knew of old. His name was Bill, and I hadn't seen him since he was quite a bit younger on a Employment training scheme in the late to middle 1980's. He was now working as a plumber, despite the fact that he trained as a brick layer. Apparently, as it so turns out, he found lugging bricks around all day too difficult, what with his flat feet and bad back, so he decided to paint plumber on the side of his van instead, and has been happily unblocking old women's u-bends ever since. He knows nothing about heating systems, but he's quite happy to learn that as he goes along (for the usual rate of course).

As I walked home in the beautiful spring sunshine I realised that perhaps I might of have taken a similar route through life as Bill had done, and being forced to shove my hand down lavatories for a living for ridiculous amounts of money. But I didn't. I decided to be a cartoonist!

Being a cartoonist is a great life. The gel pens, the smell of the paper first thing in a morning. The endless free time to do whatever I want to do, like watch cash in the attic, with the marvelous Angela Rippon. And knowing that whatever I do, it's good enough for me! The Boss!

This weather makes being a full time professional cartoonist even better, as I can just bugger off to the park whenever the mood takes me. It's like winning the lottery, I can tell you.

I'm a poo stain advisor.

I'm often asked if there's any other special skills that I possess alongside all the wonderful talents that I also possess such as cartooning, sprititualism, drain and sink unblocker, search engine optimisation, world peace envoy, psychologist and drame coach. Well I'm also a fully qualified poo stain advisor. I'm thinking of setting up my own poo hot line to advise pet owners and those living with elderly relatives on the best approach to various stains and mis-haps on various floor surfaces.

Puppy poo is possibly the most common stain within the home. The best approach is to NOT PANIC. At the first signs of the puppy doing a poo it's very important to remove the puppy from the area (as the puppy might stand in the poo and spread it all over the house). I suggest that the puppy is taken outside and left there for some time to comtemplate it's actions. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: If you live in a 5th floor flat then DO NOT PUT THE PUPPY OUTSIDE. It will surely die, and while this will solve any future poo stain dramas, the sight of a five year old girl crying herself to sleep for months on end is not something I would want anyone else to go through.

Now to deal with the poo. How to deal with poo on carpet and how to deal with poo on a hard floor is entirely different. With one, you can sometimes just scrape, with the other you'll have to consider a commercially available cleaner.

What sort of poo is it? If it's a hard one then it might be possible to just pick it up and place it in a BIN OUTSIDE! This is very important. Do not place the poo in a waste paper basket in your office. You'll loose clients, take it from me! If it is a soft one then you might want to consider how well it matches the colour of the carpet before you start rubbing vigorously with your kitchen towel roll paper.

Well I hope that gives some hope to cartoonists having to deal with poo and other normal people who might have messy puppies. I can't go into detail about elderly relatives, as the wife has just informed me that my bath is ready, and "won't stay hot for very long".