Shocking ignorance of other cartoonist.

This is my entry into the 113 (perhaps I should have known, such an unlucky number) and it scored precisely NOTHING! Now I understand that other cartoonist find my art work intimidating, and that some of them like to stick to the rules of the contest, but I entered this in enough time for at least one or two of them to vote for me. It was not my fault that my next door neighbour had an issue with their garden appliance, that as a good citizen, I felt obliged to assist with, therefore missing the "technical" closing time for entries.


 I even offered an explanation of the cartoon, for those less intelligence than myself, as it was a caption less contest.


I realize that some of the readers of this very website are not gifted in the brains department either, so here is the explanation of the cartoon, so you can find it as hilarious as I do.


This is a Robot that has scared the poor child. Hair is sticking up on end to emphasize that the child finds the Robot scary.


Well, let me tell you. That could be the last time I assist a neighbour with their garden appliances, OR the last time I enter the cartoon contest. I haven't decided yet. I'm still seething at the lack of respect shown to me!

How to pass your driving test.

Passing your driving test is very important if you are wanting to drive to the local post office, or perhaps further a field (although if you wish to drive over fields you might want to consider buying a 4x4). What ever you are driving to the shops for (gel pens or stamps) you must have a driving license which you can get from passing a driving test.


Some people find it helpful to have something that's called "Driving Lessons" before they have a "Driving Test". You can get these lessons from a "Driving Instructer" who you will find driving around in a Vauxhall Corsa in your home town. Flag one down today and ask him how much he charges for a lesson. It's important to do this with quite a few "driving instructers" as they all charge different prices.


Once you have found a Driving Instructer that you like the charge he'll make of you, then you can book some lessons until you feel ready for a driving test.


Driving tests are conducted at a "Driving Test Centre" although you will be expected to drive away from the centre at some point, and maybe around your local town a little bit. You may also be required to take a theory test if you were born after 1996. Once you have passed your test - you can now drive to the local post office or Spar*

*You may require a car to drive to the local Post Office or Spar.

A woman squirts.

Why o why o why o why do we not have more women firemen? If I was going to phone the fire brigade, it would be nice to think that perhaps there was a small chance that they would send a fire tender full of lovely young ladies, perhaps in tight red t-shirts, would be coming to save my front porch from being badly burnt.

This country is not once it once thus was.

*I've been asked to point out that I am no longer permitted to contact the local fire chief via post due to the previous volume of my correspondence (allegedly constituting harassment).

I thought it was a good idea.

I have a dream...

People of ask me how come I am so successful in everything I've ever done. Since being asked to leave school I have been successful at many varied jobs. So successful in some cases, that I've only needed to be there for a matter of hours. I tried to become an eminent psychologist one lunch break after reading a wonderful article in Take A Break magazine. The trouble with becoming a psychologist is that people always want to tell you their problems, and that's just not something that interests me.

So I gave that up and became a hairdresser instead. Trouble with hairdressing is that some people don't like your unique style on the top of their head! I thought to myself I have done all I can for the world of hairdressing, and resigned that very afternoon.

Now since I took up being a cartoonist, I think I have found the ideal career for myself. The main advantages is that it's very easy to do (if you're a creative genius, like myself), it can pay very very well (think - Charles Scwhepps!) and it leaves loads of free time for the cream of day time TV, or a trip to Argos.

Another LULU portrait. Digitally enhanced.

LULU

Here's another LULU portrait I did some time ago. As I said yesterday, I don't really like LULU that much any more, but I have 230 wonderful lifelike portraits of her, and none of Garry Barlow. I wouldn't be surprised if LULU herself (or possibly her mum) offered me £20 for this. If you have someone in your family that looks even a little bit like LULU, get in touch (email address on sidebar) and I'll send you a life like portrait for FREE!

Lulu

I've always been a great fan of Lulu. The Shloop shloop song in particular is one of my all-time  favourites.

Here is a digitally enhanced portrait I did of her some time ago.

As you can see, it's instantly recognisable as being Lulu in her younger days, before she started messing about with Take That, and all that Benicol. I don't think I'm as much a fan of hers as I once was, but I have literally hundreds of portraits I did of her, so I might still post them for a while.

The Boiled Egg Mystery

Someone suggested that I include more boiled eggs on this website. Well yes. That is a very good idea. I have spent many hours working on this MR BOILED EGG cartoon strip. I don't know what that strange mark is on the bottom left. I did have some workmen in my loft the other week. They might have dislodged something which seeped onto my pad.

The Tortoise and the Old Woman.

Once upon a time there was an old woman who was cruel and mean. She didn't like anything or anyone, particularly slow moving creatures like tortoises. One day when she was walking back from the bingo, a mean horrible tortoise tried to steal her walking stick (I forgot to draw that bit). The old woman was very angry and so she kicked that mean horrid tortoise.

The tortoise died. It was 101 years old, but one sharp tap from a Cosy Feet soft upper support shoe had seen to it that the tortoise died straight away of a horrid death to death.

The old woman walked a different way home from the bingo for several weeks after this.

Wasn't that a wonderful nice story? Something that would be good for a comic strip I feel. Perhaps a three frame comic strip (that's a comic strip with three boxes, or 'frames'). What adventures could the old woman and the tortoise get up to next? Will she win at the bingo? Perhaps she'll have some sort of operation? I'm clean out of ideas to be honest Please leave some ideas for me in the comments box.

The Queen Mum

I was commissioned to do this excellent caricature of the Queen mother buy one of my neighbours. As you can see caricature is just one more of my many talents. If you would like me to draw you one of your most favourite royals then please email me, enclosing a £20 note and I'll send you within 30 minutes a masterpiece like this. You could use it for a birthday card, or just hang it on your wall. Sorry, but I can't print any of these pictures off at the moment, as my printer is playing up and will only print black and yellow. I can send a very high quality email direct to your email inbox.