Heatwave in the UK.

The day I'm writing this has been the hottest day of the year so far. By the time you read this it could be cold again, but probably not. It's like 1976 today. And that brings me neatly to the problems of wearing synthetic fibres in such hot weather. Now I fully appreciate that many of the readers of this blog (at least two of them) like to wear synthetic fibres because they are cheap, easy to wash and relatively unstainable. And who hasn't lived with messy relatives! But in extreme heat they can cause unfortunate problems for their wearers.


Now there's two solutions to this problem (you all know what I'm talking about!). One solution is to change your nylon underwear at the very least once per day, regardless of what the morning 'sniff test' tells you. The other popular solution is to have regular 'council house' showers. Always carry a can of Old Spice deodorant with you, or if you can't get that, Sure for men. You can use Sure for women, as long as it's a neutral flavour and not some over the top flowery girly flavour with flowers on the container. Women are probably best using a clean damp flannel or a piece of Bounty Kitchen roll that's been run under a tap.


Be warned. Depending where you choose to have your 'council shower' can have a detrimental effect on your employment status, or get you banned from certain public library's or shopping centres. In your car is usually fine, as long as you aren't stuck in traffic alongside a bus lane.

Another summer precautionary tale

I was working in a psychiatric unit only the other day, when one of the clients related the following story:

"The other day I was walking down my front garden path, when a man said to me 'Nice tits!' and I said 'They are rather, aren't they? Would you like to come in and have a closer look?'

He readily agreed, and I took him out to my back garden, where there were plenty of exemplars of the genus Paridae. I pointed out cyanistes caeruleus, periparus ater and parus major. I pointed out that I had known cyanistes caeruleus to be described as 'featherus nibblius cheekii', but that this was probably something in the nature of a jape.

Then, right on cue, entered a small flock of aegithos caudatus and I explained that these do not belong to the genus Paridae at all, but to Aegithalidae, which are African birds more commonly known as 'babblers'.

To my surprise and horror, he said 'They aren't the only ones!' and attempted to grope me in the chest region. So I hit him over the head with a bird table, he jumped over the garden fence and I haven't seen him since. Of course, this disturbed all the feeding birds and it took a good half hour before normality was resumed. How can I prevent garden pests attempting to ruin my paradise of tranquility in the future? Do you think a hand grenade would help?"

I've advised her not to take this route, and to pay more attention to her personal hygiene. Leonard's warning about the 'council house shower' was both timely and pertinent. Whoops, that nearly came out as 'council hose shower' - but that can be useful too.

Getting away with murder - a practical guide. Part 1.

Some people are problematic. Some people are quite nice until you upset them. Some people are lovely, no matter how horrid you are to them and you'd wish that they'd just leave you alone.

VW golf with colour coded wing mirrors.

Some people you have never met, and you never will because they are either living somewhere silly, like a remote Scottish island or they might just shop at a different supermarket to you. Some people you will meet in a dodgy club or bar (pub if you live in England), and under the influence of alcohol, you'll agree to visit them at their home to view their new decking, only later finding out that it was their strange estranged boyfriend that installed it and not the (expensive) and professional decking installers that they first tell you did it for a great sum of money paid for with a large bankers draft. Now this not need be a problem, unless that thus said estranged boyfriend then decides that you have taken what they see as their property and thus decided to re-arrange their furniture in a manner that they don't approve of and they take to damaging the bonnet (or hood if you live in America) of your Volkswagon Golf.


What you can do about this common problem is difficult. Clearly something must be done to stop the erratic estranged boyfriend causing damage to your Volkswagon Golf, before the engine itself gets dented and stops working properly. Call the police? Yes, perhaps that's a good idea, but the police will demand proof that the estranged boyfriend has caused the damage, and without expensive CCTV footage of this happening, it's difficult to do.


The best approach I tell the many people that come to me with this problem, is to perhaps double check facts when you are being enticed to view a woman's decking. Asking for a invoice from a proper VAT registered company could be a start, or if she doesn't have that information, perhaps just phoning the company involved direct from the bar.

Next time: Getting away with IT.

How to minimise the effects of the VAT increase on your level of self-indulgence and narcissism

I am often asked how I intend to reduce my contribution to the National Debt, and whether it would be a good idea to send Honey Fungus (Armillaria mellea) to George Osborne. The latter would do no good, as he’d either fry the blighters in butter with a touch of garlic, a squeeze of black pepper and enjoy them for breakfast; either that, or it’d cause a massive reduction in Sherwood Forest.

But as for reducing the National Debt, or at least MY National Debt… VAT will soon be going up to 20%. That’s a lot. It has the potential to calculate a fifth of the cost of everything you purchase of value, and add it on. That means you will only be afford 80% of what you would have been able to afford if we had proper prices. However, there are creative ways around this. VAT is not levied on the following:

• food
• books, newspapers and magazines
• young children's clothing and footwear
• special exempt items - for example equipment for disabled people
(Source: piratesanonymous.ac.uk)

Young children’s clothing and footwear are cheaper. But they only fit smaller people. You have a choice, then, of buying not VATable food, and getting bigger or (and not many people realise this) of not buying any of it, getting smaller and therefore being able to get into cheaper, smaller clothes which were intended for children. Mind you, given the rise in childhood obesity you may not even need to watch your diet.

Of course, VAT is not levied on second-hand goods – particularly helpful if you’re buying gloves – and goods that you nick in the first place are even cheaper! I’ve tried this with clothes, pinching them from the washing lines of my next-door-neighbours. However, I’m only 24, and the neighbours on one side are 126 and the neighbours on the other are nudists. I’ve found that the 126-year-old apparel options have been in and out of fashion approximately 37 times, so it’s just a matter of time before I dare to leave the house wearing their togs.

There are many ways, therefore, of reducing your expenditure yet minimising the effects of looking like a total loser. Just follow this blog to find ways of maintaining your status as cheapskate whilst building up a reputation as a hilarious and highly successful cartoonist!

How can the country save money and rescue the economy?

Many people have asked me how we as a nation can get out of this terrible mess that the last Government left us in after forcing us to spend money like crazy on exotic holidays and BMW X5's, like there was no tomorrow. I too was caught up in the whole spend spend spend craze. I went absolutely crazy several times buying business cards and bulk buys of gel pens in the good old days, but now it's time to pay off the debts. To be honest I was surprised to get a 'tab' at the local post office in the first place, but Mrs Dawson got carried away just as much as the next man.

Being a reasonable person she has given me another month to settle my account, which I'm confident of doing by making some simple sacrifices. Firstly I won't be allowing the girlfriend/wife to spend more than £38 on any one shopping trip (including the purchase of celebration cake), I will now insist that everyone in the household answers the phone within three rings, and immediately stop the common practice of ignoring the phone and using 1471 to screen calls and call them back all the time. This should reduce the phone bill by at least 70%. Benefits will be cut back, with immediate effect, and the children will now find their allowances are means tested. If they have more savings than me, they will have all benefits stopped immediately.

Of course we can all do our bit to economise, but this won't help the public finances. This is the money that the Government spend on our, or their own behalf.

Example of much cheaper cartoon for possible Government anti-smoking campaign.

I've been thinking of how a humble cartoonist like myself can help the Government to reduce their spending, and I've realised that they spend many thousands on publications, which often contain cartoons and or illustrations. If the Government used much cheaper cartoonists, like myself and others that I know, they could save a lot of money. If someone is reading a leaflet on giving up smoking, or a leaflet on haemorrhoid advice, I'm quite sure that the quality of the illustrations is not of any concern to those people. For a small sum, such as thus £20, the Government could have some really good cartoons (but, perhaps not top notch, or amusing) therefore making instant savings for the nation.

Of course we know that they won't do this, because as the Government before, they like to waste unnecessary money. I'm offering them a solution (I've tweeted a link to this article to my local MP) but it's up to them if they take it. £20, instead of, probably £500. It's not rocket science!

*I can also offer armchair legal advice to parish councils and local political parties.

Hilarious spontanious cartoon.

After all the alcohol related cartoons of late, I have decided that this blog needs to sober itself up somewhat. Yes, it was interesting to find out about Mr Brights carpet (which doesn't sound quite so bright after his measurement issues), but it's time to move on.

Medical matters can be a wonderful source for humour related cartoons, and here is one of my recent cartoons on the subject. Apparently The Lancet don't publish cartoons, as the, may I say rather snooty receptionist imformed me when I phoned to ask for the email address of the cartoon editor. Well while they might be all knowing about medical matters, clearly they have no idea about humour based cartoons in publications. It must be a very dry read. That's all I can say.

If you have a dry publication, then let me help moisten it with a custom made cartoon for your publication.

Government Spends £17,500 on wine.

News today reveals that the Government has spend £17,500 on wine since the general election! Going on the read the news report, it sets out that they buy wine young, to benefit from a lower price. I find that quite a ridiculous claim, as when I was young and getting others to buy some wine for me, it cost exactly the same as it did for someone of the legal age.

It seems this Government has taken no time at all to immerse themselves in sleaze. I expected they'd at least wait until the Christmas party before they'd conduct themselves in such an appalling manner. All the while, us poor taxpayers and working mothers are struggling with the constant pressure on our own alcohol budgets/nappy buying. Always offers on cheap cider, but how rare are 2 for 1 offers on nappies? (not that my grown  up children need nappies, unless they drink too much White Lightening!). Why can't the Government just buy cheap wine from one of the supermarkets? They could have got at least twice as much booze for less than £17,500. Probably they could have got some special offers or something, like I did only last week in Asda.

It's the population that should be spending record amounts on alcohol since the general election - not the Government!