How to make people laugh at your business.

Business is a serious business and nothing more so now that business is in declining from the recession created by Gordon Brown in his last budget. I have some experience of business management and franchise operations ( over 8 months at Burger King alone!) so I feel well placed to advise business people about their businesses.

Firstly, it's important to understand why your business isn't doing so well. Could it be that what you are selling, or the service you are offering isn't suitable for the current ecomonic climate that we all find ourselves in right now? Perhaps you are a luxury goods provider, and people can't afford your luxury goods at the moment, because they have just lost their jobs. Maybe you should think of opening a pound shop on your premises until things pick up a bit?

Pound shops can be an excellent place to conduct business when people haven't got enough money and they need a cheap car cleaning spong and a multipack of hula hoops to see them through the dark days of the worst recession we've ever seen since the last one.

Changing your business is just one step you can take to avoid having to live like a common or garden chav, but while you are busy 'downsizing' your business to something more suited to the economic reality of life these days in post Soviet Britain, you also need to consider that no business can go from high class watch makers and jewellers, to a pound shop without some excellent publicity materials and promotion.

If someone in Angola wants to find a pound shop in Sheffield for instance, you want to get the very best possible search result in Google. It's no good having meta tags or keywords for Sheffield Pound Shop - as all the other pound shops in Sheffield will have gone for that obvious tag. No, what you need is something more specific, like for instances thus this, if your name is David Groat, then what you need is to be number 1 for the search term "david groat, no longer a high class watch maker and jeweller, but now a pound shop until things pick up a bit"

Using this sytem will guarantee you the number 1 spot for anyone anywhere in the whole world who wants to know where the best pound shop is in northern Britain. and searches for that term!

Alongside all of that there services which can be provided by any good popular SEO expert, you will need something eyecatching to attract people to your new pound shop (or whatever scummy type of business you decide to do until things pick up a bit). I suggest that something like a cartoon logo for your shop and publicity material would be a very good start.

Here is an few examples of the sort of cartoon logos that I can create for your business to see you through the recession, and avoid that sale of that much loved kidney.

I can be contacted for quotes for all such commissioned work via my normal contact email address (business email) leonard.gubbins@googlemail.com or HERE

Stress Avoidance. Part 1

Stress is a modern disease. In the olden days, people didn't get stressed. They had very easy lives, and nothing ever went wrong for them. The most they had to worry about was finding enough food to eat, or how to wash their clothes without a washing machine.


The modern world is a stressful place, and many people suffer from stress and can get quite shouty with other people because they are stressed. Just about everything these days can be a great source of stress. How to make enough money to buy chocolate biscuits for when you have important guests visiting your home, which might have an impossibly sized mortgage on it, which is yet another source of stress.


Fortunately I have some experience of stress counselling, and in this series of articles I will be covering some of the most common sources of stress, to help you and your people cope and manage the stresses that we all have to deal with on a day to day basis.


So don't worry about not being able to pay your mortgage and being made homeless during the worst recession that this country has ever seen, while your children are forced from your grasp and placed in a grim orphanage for the Government to perform medical experiments on them until you clear all your debts and pay back the loan sharks. There is no need to stress!


Next time: How to avoid getting stressed while reading internet blogs.

BGT????

After watching tv or telly or even the box, but I prefer tv. Not that I am one, mind. Dressing up in a lady's clothes just isn't my thing. Especially as I cant find a decent pair of woman's frilly belows in Primark that don't cut in 'right there'.
( I was trying them on for a friend, if you must know.)
After watching the 'TEEVEE' on Saturday evening I actually started to wonder if Britain has actually got talent.
(She is a female friend. I wouldn't be trying them on for a man/male friend).
I mean, what's so talented about a bunch of grown up/ late teen men throwing around a bunch of young children at great speed & height. If I was to do that with some of the kids on my estate, I'd be up in front of the Beak, pronto 'nd no mistakin' on a charge of child abuse or 'chucking a scratter about willy nilly without the full permission of the rest of the neighbours the little shits have been tormenting'. I hope your reading this Kane, Ashley, Kai, Tyson, Kae-Leeiy, Tasheeniae-Embassy No.6, Bradpitt, Fiddy, June, Benefitcheque & Geoff. I'll have my day!
Body popping whilst wearing your clothes back to front. Come on, fellah. My mate Fat Gaz won a leg of lamb doing that in our local Slug & Lettuce & he'd just ran across the dance floor to hide in the toilets after getting caught nudey prodding with manager's wife thirty seconds earlier.
(I say she's a female friend. I sometimes have second thoughts when looking at her throat & big calloused hands.)
Don't get me started on dancing bleedin' dogs, either!!!!
(Actually, her winky's quite big, 'n' all).
A Britain's Got Talent cartoon is attached & I too, can vomit billiard balls for £20.00.
Paul x

High Definition TV

I'd like to admit that I don't watch much television these days, but I am very interested in these adverts I keep seeing on the TV that I don't watch about something they are calling High Definition TV (or television). It seems that even really terrible programs are enhanced by this super quality Television pictures available with High Definition TV.

I don't know about you, but I'd certainly like to see the skin pores on Angela Rippons face while she was hosting Cash in the Attic. I imagine she looks amazing for someone of her 'mature' age in years. She may be old, but I'm very much of the opinion that she'll never be an ugly munter. She'll be the best looking corpse in the grave yard, that's for sure. She's not even the sort to take out frivolous restraining orders, unlike pint sized Scottish belters, like Lulu for example. 

Anyway, I'm considering buying some HD (high definition) TV this weekend. I'm not sure what I need, but I reckon something around 40" will fit quite nicely in my through lounge alcove. 

This is another policeman but you might not be able to tell on account of he's dressed as a Morris Dancer.

but he still gets to wave phallic objects, like truncheons, around in public. Failing that, hankies.

Mr Brightside.

Here's the very first entry in how to draw a constable contest (no material prize available). What a wonderful start to the contest, from Mr Steve Bright. He's neglected to tell us his age, but I imagine from the outstanding quality of his drawing (he hasn't gone over a single line) he must have left school at least 10 years ago. Well done you!

Steve has clearly taken the advice I gave in the tutorial and has drawn the policemen in funny 'police' hats and uniforms so you can tell they are policemen. If he'd drawn them without any clothes on for instance, it would have been very hard to tell what they were supposed to be, so well done again.

It's a super drawing, and I think it deserves at least 4. points out of 5, 5 points for effort and 3.9554 for not going over the lines.

Please send your entries in for this contest soon, as I have literally several that I need to assess. Come on folks. I know you can do better than Steve.

Drawing tutorials. How to draw a policeman. Part 1.

Recently I posted an hilarious cartoon about a policeman arresting a criminal. Many people asked me how I managed to draw such a convincing policeman, so here's a quick tutorial for any cartoonists out there that would like to drawer a policeman in their cartoons.

Perhaps you have a funny joke in mind about policemen, or you just want to do a joke about taking down particulars (could be a smutty joke for Viz or some low quality humour magazine such as thus.).

I forgot to colour in the boots of this policeman, but I'm assured after much research that they should be dark brown or black. I'd love to see readers attempts at following this tutorial, and maybe I could give them all marks out of 5. 5 being the best.