Election

Well. I don't know about you, but what a frustrating outcome. There's me thinking a new government was about to take over this country when, shut my mouth, it didn't. Imagine my frustration when I thought, "here we are", I thought, "an end to crime, an end to schools, an end to NHS stuff & more importantly an end to communism". I don't know about you, but I'm sick of hearing, "Marx this & Tito that" & "Lenin this" & "McCartney that".
Ted Heath was the best Prime Minister ever. Now there's a man who can run a country & conduct a big band. Ooh, the groove I've done to the tune of Papa Loves Mambo (Decca F10401, release date 1954). Seriously, I've been in positions (barely legal in some countries) to The Faithful Hussar (Decca F10746, release date 1956). Anyway, he's dead now.
Now, if the great Mike, "and this is me" Yarwood stood for election whilst imitating Harold Wilson, Frank Spencer or even Ted Heath, he might of won because he was shite at impressions & the public like an underdog. He ended up having a breakdown anyway. For crying out loud Mike Yarwood, what's the big deal? If Les "I don't really know actually" Dennis can hold a career as an impressionist, surely you can. You could've been Sir Mike "and this is me" Yarwood by now.
So, to summarise. This country's stiffed. Above is a cartoon of a nationwide reaction around the country, nationwide.
(Nationwide.... Nationwide was a BBC News and Current affairs television series broadcast on BBC One each weekday following the early evening news. It followed a magazine format, combining political analysis and discussion with consumer affairs, light entertainment and sports reporting hosted by Hugh Sculley)

God Bless America & Tony Orlando & Dawn.

Paul Mahoney (pronounced Marney)

Laughing at insanity, knowing how to apply a bandage.

I've often been asked about how much I know about insanity. This usually occurs just after I've shown someone my cartoons for the first time.

Funnily enough, I did once train to be a psychologist many years back, but I found that people boring me with their pathetic problems wasn't for me, so I didn't go back for the second day of training. Having experience of being a psychologist for even a short time did equip me with the knowledge to read people quite well, particularly insane people, of which there is many of them on the estate that  I live. 

The insane people are usually the ones wearing the inappropriate hats, so it's easy to spot an insane person, unless they are not wearing a hat in which case it's usually a little harder. Just asking someone if they are insane isn't usually that effective, particularly if they are Geordies, as they are likely to reply "Yeah, I'm mad me!". Playing word association games with strangers at a bus stop isn't that advisable either, as it can usually involve a discussion with the constabulary.

Concentrating just on the obvious ones with the inappropriate hats is usually the best tactic when trying to identify insane people.

So just what is an inappropriate hat you may ask? Well, wearing a bowler hat in a working mans club is obviously a clear sign of madness, unless they are part of the entertainment.

Wearing a rain hat in a charity shop can be a sign of insanity, unless the string is wet and stuck, and it has been raining outside.

Wearing a flat cap while driving an Italian supermini is a sign of insanity, unless the person is in Yorkshire at the time, in which case it's probably just a sign of poverty.

Without knowing for certain if someone is insane or not, can make it very difficult to mock and laugh at the insane people on your local estate. It's a mind-field for certain, but get it right, and there's lots of fun to be had. Basic knowledge of first aid is always useful when laughing at insanity.

Please join my new forum.

Well, after being banned by several other forums of late I have decided to start up my own forum. I figure this way I can't be banned from this forum, as it is MY own forum. Trouble is, I don't have any members to ban myself, as I'm the only member of MY own forum, so I would like to invite all cartoonists, cross-stitcher's, and spiritualists that would like to be banned from my forum to register for MY own forum, so I can start banning them from MY own forum and then I'll feel all warm inside.

I'd like to think that MY own forum will become a really good place for all wonderful people like me to publish their own work on there, and save me the trouble of having to bother quite so much. I'm very busy with my cats diarrhoea at the moment (funny cartoon story about that to follow soon), so I'm not getting as much time as I'd like to write ALL the forum posts myself.

First 3 members to join up can be moderators if they like.

Off my shopping trolley.

I'm often asked what I know about layers and backgrounds. To be honest, very little, but I'm not going to let something like that stop me from explaining to you what they are.

Here's a picture I recently did for a childrens book illustration (due to be published within the next 2 years).

As you can see I have created a rather wonderful background for this picture with very professional looking gradients (more about them later).
Now the trick is to use layers for each element of the picture, so I can get rid of the bits of the picture which I don't want to be there with just a simple click of my moose. Thus, therefore this:

And thus there we have it. Off with the shopping trolley. I didn't have to draw the picture twice. I used the layers function of the menu to 'hide' the shopping trolley from view before saving it twice. That bit was the hardest work.

Here's the background on it's own, which you can download to place your own creations withon it. What funny ideas can you think of for such a background image? Perhaps you'd like to draw a dog, or maybe some kind of man with a large gardening implement? I'm looking forward to seeing them all. Please email them to me at the usual address (please, no more Korean spam). The one which wins the first prize will win an all expenses trip to having a link on this very website to their own website.

Dunkin' Biscuits

I am often asked about dunking biscuits – possibly because of the prevalence of biscuits among my garden furniture and then people think I live my life surrounded by biscuits and think of little else. The roof tiles consist of large cream crackers, and possibly this adds to that impression.

I was recently asked, by someone in an earnest quest for knowledge, whether it was better to dunk rich tea biscuits in my own bath, or someone else’s. This got me thinking – good question, yes, but it’s always wise to heed the advice given by my great aunt Cornelia:

“You really shouldn’t wee in the bath. Especially when your mum’s already in there.”

Sadly, many do not heed such a warning, and see no problem in sitting there in what amounts to a tub full of very dilute urine; in the mistaken belief that this will somehow assist them in their personal hygiene. So, my advice to anyone looking to dunk their rich tea biscuits should examine the water carefully before the biccie takes the plunge … is it a faint yellow colour? If yes, pull the plug out and refill before trying a dunk.

Sometimes crafty people will disguise their ablutory activities by the addition of bath salts, bubble bath and similar, and should you encounter a bath full of suspiciously scented chemicals, have no hesitation in pulling the plug out and refilling the bath.

In either of these cases, don’t worry if the person IS still in there. Serves ‘em right.

This theme will be continued in future articles and will cover such topics as:
* Is it wise to dunk building materials to soften them before eating?

* How to create a mathematical formula to establish the optimum size and shape of a potential dunking biscuit, given the height and depth of the tea receptacle.

* The best thing to do with the half an inch of gunk you get at the bottom of the mug.

Smile cartoon.

I was recently asked to provide a cartoon for promotion of a local dental surgery and came up with this.

I'm still waiting to see if the dentist will chose my cartoon to go through to the next round of "smile for a cartoon" campaign he's started. Fingers cross. There's a massive discount on root canal work available. (the other local cartoonists I know about all have dentures - I believe).

I've started a new blog.

Considering the great success of this blog, I thought it was about time I had some other blogs in my blog empire. My new blog is called Vulgarama. It's mostly full of rude words at the moment but when I've finished my community service got back from my trip away I will update it with some interesting pictures, and maybe even some photos.

In time I will be looking for some new blog authors for this wonderful blog. These tea towels won't sell themselves you know.