Tutorial: How to cartoon a Prawn Dopiaza

Today I am going to show you how to create the perfect cartoon of one of the finest dishes of the subcontinent.

First choose a Curry House. Personally I recommend the Bilash in Wolverhampton but any good restaurant serving Indian cuisine will do.

The next step is key to your success. After being seated, place your order. This should consist of 6 bottles of Cobra or Kingfisher with a dozen poppadums and assorted chutneys to start and a Prawn Dopiaza to follow. However, you must insist your main course is not brought to the table until you have polished off your starter in its entirety.

When your Prawn Dopiaza arrives you should now bring out a pen or pencil and begin to draw the dish as realistically as possible on the plain paper serviette that will have been supplied to you.

(Some upmarket restaurants insist on giving you a cotton serviette, so it is always worth having a spare paper version of your own in your top pocket.)

Now sit back and admire. The theraputic qualities of the refreshing Cobra or Kingfisher will miraculously transform your artistic endeavour into a first rate cartoon.

Bon appetit!

Creating new areas of business for the cartoon market business.

I am often asked how I sell my cartoons to so many varied clients. Parish magazines, missing cat posters, local business directories etc. The reason that I sell so many wonderful cartoons to so many dull publications is that I approach them and suggest that they publish my cartoons. I start with an impartial appraisal of their publication (for free) which usually confirms what I believed all along, that their publication is rather dull and needs some cartoons to brighten it up.

I then offer them a cartoon I've already drawn for free. They usually take this up, even if it has nothing to do with the nature of the publication. It's amazing how many parish magazines will publish a caraciture of LuLu, if it's offered for free. They need to fill space in their magazines, just like big name, national publications do. Once I have them 'hooked' on my unique style of drawing (a few complimentary letters to the editor always help - thanks mum!) I then send them another cartoon for the next issue, but I forget to mention that this one isn't free. Once they have published it, I send them and invoice and threaten them with legal action if they don't pay the £20 they owe me!

Obviously this trick only works once, or maybe twice, if the publication is badly organised. That's an example of parish magazines. Missing pet posters is another lucrative market place for local cartoonists. Most people put up dull photocopies of their missing pets, which is not at all eye catching. I usually take down the poster and when I get home phone the phone number. Yes, they get excited thinking you've found their beloved pet - but when I suggest that their pet might never be found without an eye catching poster, they often ask for help in making the poster better. The budget for cartoon missing pet posters is usually quite small, but with some gentle persuaction they can usually be agreed to cut back on the 'reward' money to fund a wonderful pet cartoon portrait (I charge extra if there's a funny story behind the pet going missing). An added bonus is that if the pet is never found, they still have a wonderful memento of their pet to treasure for years to come!

There's just a few ideas for all you budding cartoonists out there. Next week: Elderly dead relative caricatures, good idea or bad?

Goodbat, Nightman

Goodbat, Nightman

by Roger McGough

 

God bless all policemen

and fighters of crime,

May thieves go to jail

for a very long time.

They’ve had a hard day


helping clean up the town,


Now they hang from the mantelpiece


upside down.


A glass of warm blood


and then straight up the stairs.


Batman and Robin


are saying their prayers.

They’ve locked all the doors

and they’ve put out the bat,


Put on their batjamas

(They like doing that)


They’ve filled their batwater-bottles


made their batbeds,


With two springy battresses


for sleepy batheads.


They’re closing red eyes

and they’re counting black sheep.


Batman and Robin


Are falling asleep.


Making money from Cartoons.

I am often asked how I came to be a professional cartoonist, and such a successful one at that. Well, it is all very simple. I realised a few weeks ago how easy it was to draw cartoons, and that I had a wonderful mind for the creative process. The first time I picked up one of my glitter pens (the gold one, if you must know) and started scribbling away, I knew this was the new career I'd been looking for, for so long.

I had many faulse starts to many different careers. When I left school I joined art college for 2 hours and then realised that this was not for me. They frowned upon the use of glitter pens, or something. I'm not sure, but they claimed I was crap, and tried to steer me towards a career in painting and decorating instead. Well I wasn't going to stand for that for one moment. So to their much regret, I left that college.

I had to find something creative to spend my time on. I tried creative accounting for a short while, but I quickly realised that this wasn't what I expected either. Besides my boss expected me to work very late nights. That wasn't for me. I was missing all my favourite soap operas anyway (a great source of inspiration for any creative person I feel).

Then one day I was flicking through a copy of Readers Digest Magazine in the dentists waiting room and saw how many cartoons they had in there. Truth be told I didn't find that many of them funny, but it got me thinking. If they publish cartoons that I don't find funny, perhaps they'll publish cartoons that I've drawn that other people don't find funny either. How difficult can it be to draw cartoons that just aren't funny? Being the sort of person never to get bogged down with the technical aspect of anything I do - I picked up my glitter pen and started scribbling away. Since that day I haven't looked back. Already I have been commissioned by Burt across the road to paint a smily face on his wheelie bin (to stop the filthy Morgans next door from nicking it) and I've also had many other enquiries for my brilliantly talent free cartoons.

I'm still waiting to hear back from The Readers Digest, but it's looking promising. Already I have had mail from them suggesting I might be receiving a cheque soon for £250,000. I'm not sure which cartoon that is for, but I'm quite excited.

So there you go. If you want to make money from your Glitter Pens, get cartooning. I hope this article has inspired some of you to give it a go.

How We Can Expand Our Services

You know, when I clicked the link to 'Cartoon and Illustration Services' on the right, I found myself in his wonderful 'Talent Free' Zone. What an eye-opener that was! What a range of services to aspiring business people - even an NHS manager couldn't do better!

I do feel, though, that we can help businesses gain a foothold in the market place by helping them to enhance the surrounding natural environment. To this end, I am going to be marketing potholes, with an exciting range of fillings.

If the road outside YOUR business hasn't got any, we have a deluxe range of potholes. Here's just one example from the exciting range we have to offer:


Fillings include custard, tuna mayonnaise and coronation chicken - but not all at once - LOL!!!

We also provide a service which helps you fill the puddles on the days it doesn't rain. Details on request.

All potholes are priced at £20.00; fillings range from 50p upwards, with a special discount for bulk purchases or if you've ordered your pothole from us.

Well, what are you waiting for?

I've had a great idea.

I have just had a brilliant idea. Now I'm sure that someone reading this will be in the airShow business. Well here's an idea of the type of cartoons that I could do to help your business sparkle like a big shiny diamond.

Spit Fire

I am often asked which what is my favourite World War 2 airoplane. Well it just so happens to be the wonderful Spit fire. Here's a wonderful photo I took of two Spit fires that recently flew past the air show I was just happening to be attending. When I took this photo I wasn't too concerned about the technical aspects of taking the photo. The limitations of my camera wouldn't allow me to take a up close and personal photo of the pilots, but I knew that I would be able to make an excellent photo using my skills within thus said Photoshop. I saw many so called experts at the air show with massive cameras, but I'm reliably informed that some of them didn't get very good shots either! (that will teach them to snub the Argos value range of digital cameras!)

As you can tell, Photography is just another one of my many skills. If you are the pilot in this photo, and would like a framed copy of this photo, please get in touch. I'm sorry, but due to new laws about to come in over digital rights, I am unable to sell a copy of the photo to anyone other than the pilot, or his family.