World best cartoonist.

I'm looking for the worlds best cartoonist. There's so many out there, that there must thus be 1 that everyone agrees is the worlds best. Perhaps you know a rather over-talented cartoonist that writes your favourite blog for instance? Someone who can get hundreds of thousands of hits in the space of just a few days of starting their cartoon blog? I don't think you should vote for those flashy cartoonists that get paid ridiculous amounts of money by magazine editors. Most of them think too highly of themselves as it is, and they have terrible egos that could easily get out of control.

So who can you think of that is for you, the worlds best cartoonist? First prize is a link on this very Talent Free Cartoon blog. So leave a comment.

Cartooning by numbers...

The invitation by Leonard G to contribute to this blog on my specialist subject of Gillingham left me in rather a quandry.

Initially I considered throwing in the towel because I just couldn't see a common thread between Cartooning and Gillingham. They just don't go together in the same way as Morecambe and Wise, Cheech and Chong or Prawn and Dopiaza.

Suddenly though it all became clear. The common thread is numbers. More specifically 3 and 20. The most obvious link being that both words have three syllables and the two together have 20 letters.

That's the tip of the iceberg though. Gillingham station has 3 platforms, 3 town centre bus stops serve the Medway Maritime Hospital and the town offers 3 types of public transport, train, bus and taxi. On the football field, Gillingham have won 3 of their home league games by scoring 3 goals and getting 3 points on each occasion.

On to cartooning. In my book there are 3 types of newspaper cartoon; political, gag and strip. Cartoon characters occasionally come in threes...Huey, Dewey and Lewey being one example. And the most popular format for a newspaper strip cartoon uses three panels

It's with the figure 20 though that the most extraordinary similarity rears its head. Mr. Gubbins own brand of cartoonery is designed to relieve "punters" of a crisp £20 note. Gillingham Football Club are set up in a similar way. A ticket to watch the next home match against Huddersfield will set you back a modest...yes you've guessed it. How uncanny!

Another LuLU portrait.

I'm often asked why I draw so many portraits of LULU, and to be honest I have no idea. Even my psychiatrist wasn't sure when I asked her. Not that I see her any more, since the incident with the pot plant and the live yoghurt. I think it's only right that I share all my LULU portraits with you, my wonderful loyal audience of wonderful followers.  I think I love you more than I love my cats.


If you have a much loved relative that is the spitting image of LULU, then please get in touch and you can buy one of these wonderful portraits for just one £20 note.

Can you train to be a cartoonist?

Well, I think you can. At the gym I see nothing but adverts for Personal Trainers and colonic irrigation, and if you can get someone to help you to develop your abs they certainly ought to help you develop your gags. I thought the readers here would be interested to see my personal trainers:

If you want to purchase a trainer, it'll cost you a mere £20.00. However, there's a special offer on at the moment which means you can buy one, get one free!!! There's a limited supply, though, so hurry while stocks last!

How to get really good ideas for cartoons (and possibly cross-stitch)

I'm often asked how I get the wonderful ideas for my wonderful cartoons. How do I make people literally incontinent with my humorous cartoons? Here's a few top tips for you to be helped with getting wonderful ideas for wonderful cartoons, just like me does.

• Keep a pencil (or pen) handy at all times, and a notebook (or pad). You never know when a great idea will strike you. It's very important to keep this nearby at all times. When you're in the cinema, in bed, making love to a beautiful wife/girlfriend, or sat on the toilet (I get quite a few ideas in there!!).
• Search the internet for great cartoons that you think are really funny, and modify these cartoon ideas to make them even better (and to make them your ideas).
• Ask friends and family for ideas for really funny cartoons. Uncle George might not be a cartoonist, but I be he's got loads of really funny stories from his time working on the docks!
• Get you clients to come up with the ideas for the cartoons, and draw them in a unique style.
• If you're really stuck for ideas, then just remember people will pay £20 for your unique cartoons. Sell enough of these, and you could spend the whole afternoon in Argos on glitter pens and watercolour artists sets.

Well I hope that has helped you get beyond that cartoonist block that hits all of us professionals from time to time. As always, comments welcome (I've been told these are more interesting than the articles, a great compliment to the quality of the articles I'm been producing I feel.)

Talent Free Authors Wanted...

I am often asked if it would be possible to become an author on this very successful blog. Well if you have the ability to write, have a computer with a keyboard and an internet connection, then YES it is. I am extremely busy working as a cartoonist since giving up my day job, and building a team of blog authors would be an excellent way to keep this blog regularly updated with little effort on my time. Please get in touch via email (for FREE) here or at leonard.gubbins@googlemail.com and become (almost) as successful as me.

A new blog recomendation.

I'm often asked which blogs I like to read, when I'm not creating life changing posts on my own blog, Talent Free Cartoons. Well one of my favourite at the moment (of course it's subject to change if I don't get added to their blog roll soon) is this rather marvellous blog called, no less thus: Give a Blog a Bone. It's by none other than the excellent contributor of comments to this thus blog: Mr Poobah. Well done Mr Poobah for making such an excellent blog. I'm not sure what it's about yet, but I imagine when it has some content, it'll be as every bit invaluable to the Blogsphere as this blog is.

Lets see some photos of your patio, Mr Poobah!

How to spring clean.

I am often asked how I keep my wonderful home so clean and tidy. My secret is to clean it every spring. This is known as 'spring cleaning', or cleaning up the place before the landlord does his annual inspection. Out goes the muddy boots, and on goes the lid to the toilet cistern (don't ask me why, but I just like it propped up against the bathroom radiator). So how do I do it? Well I can tell you my spring cleaning secrets. It's not difficult, but it can take valuable time that could be spent drawing wonderful cartoons with my mouse for important, but dull business men.

Hoovering because I can't spell vacuum cartoon.

Of course spring cleaning can provide many highly amusing inspirations for brilliant cartoons, so all is not lost doing this, and it's handy if the landlord renews the tenancy for another year. He demands many many £20 notes to let me live here. There was the time that I couldn't find the regular duster in it's usual place, under the kitchen sink and was forced to use a J-Cloth instead. This disaster will not be repeated this year, as I've made a rather handy duster holder from the Blue Peter annual (page 34). I like to have my pad handy whenever I'm doing anything around the house, but this isn't always possible, if one is to keep the peace with the girlfriend/wife!


I start my spring clean by firstly taking down all the LULU portraits I've drawn over the years. Yes, some of them have faded, due to the poor quality of the felt tip pens I once used, but I simply can't bare to part with them, considering how long it took me to draw them! Once all of these marvellous masterpieces have been safely stored in the lovely plastic storage boxes I purchase from Lidl in 2002 (the post office will sell you a pack of chalk or some felt tip pens, but ask them to supply you with a decent storage box - forget it!). I then get out the hoover. Well it's not actually a Hoover, it's a....I don't know what it is, but it's blue. (£48.99 Argos). I then decide which plug socket I'm going to use. There's 2 in the lounge, so it can often take me some time to decide. Using electricity the 'hoover' sucks up all my man dust. I'm told that dust is almost 90% dead skin cells, so after a year there's quite a few of them to suck up!


And that's it. Tidy up your LULU portraits, and 'hoover' around a bit, using the plug socket of your choice.


Next Week: How to empty the ashtray on a 1989 Nissan Bluebird.

Mother's Day is approaching!

Look out people. It'll soon be Mothers Day, and you'll miss out if you don't order her a gift soon!

These professional keep-sakes are available now. Don't delay, or you might miss out on that very special gift. Suitable for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentines Day, 40th Birthdays.
You're friends and loved ones will be speechless when they open a gift from Leonard Gubbins Cartoon Services (UK) Limited.

Another LULU portrait. Digitally enhanced.

LULU

Here's another LULU portrait I did some time ago. As I said yesterday, I don't really like LULU that much any more, but I have 230 wonderful lifelike portraits of her, and none of Garry Barlow. I wouldn't be surprised if LULU herself (or possibly her mum) offered me £20 for this. If you have someone in your family that looks even a little bit like LULU, get in touch (email address on sidebar) and I'll send you a life like portrait for FREE!

Shrove Tuesday.

I am often asked if I know the origin of Shrove Tuesday. Well it just so happens that I do. Shrove Tuesday was actually invented on a Wednesday, but that was Mrs Shroves bingo night, so it was later decided that it should be on a Tuesday. The first Tuesday after Valentines day was decided as probably the best day to get rid of all those spare eggs that were lying around after Valentines day.

Then Better Crocker got involved, and she messed up that shit big time with her instant pancake mix. Add water and shake became the usual way to celebrate pancake day. Traditionalists still like to use frying pans and 'flip' or toss their pancakes, sometimes sticking them to the ceiling (usually the kitchen ceiling)

Which made me think of a wonderful cartoon!

Shrove Tuesday Cartoon.

Lulu

I've always been a great fan of Lulu. The Shloop shloop song in particular is one of my all-time  favourites.

Here is a digitally enhanced portrait I did of her some time ago.

As you can see, it's instantly recognisable as being Lulu in her younger days, before she started messing about with Take That, and all that Benicol. I don't think I'm as much a fan of hers as I once was, but I have literally hundreds of portraits I did of her, so I might still post them for a while.

Love is a Chainsaw!

Love is a chainsaw and a decapitated head cartoon.

I've taken some advice from my good online friend Cretin 229 (you may remember him from the Disney colouring book?). He has shown me how to do subtle shading to give my cartoons a little more depth than they had before. I've also invested in a new felt tip pen (I was in the post office anyway - it's amazing how many things the local post office sell for cartoonists to use). Mrs Rogerson was in there. I haven't seen her for ages, but our conversation was cut short when I found out she'd just been to Skegnes with her daughter-in-law and didn't need any new tea towels. Her Dean will be out of prison soon. Not that I'm one to gossip, but I reckon he did it.

Anyway I was inspired to draw this rather marvellous cartoon by Valentines day. If you'd like this printed onto a card, get in touch with me and I'll let you have a price. I expect it'd be around £20 per card, but if your valentine means anything to you, it's worth it. I can't be responsible for any restraining orders issued as a result of sending anybody one of my unique cards.

Hedge Trimmers Trim Hedges!

I have often been asked how I keep my hedge so neat and tidy all year around. Well I use a hedge trimmer of course. I used to have a huge pair of rusty shears, but I found that these didn't use electricity at all, so I invested in a Bosch hedge trimmer (not the one in the picture - I couldn't find a photo of my own trimmer). So now I own a Bosch hedge trimmer, which trimmer should you buy? Firstly you need to find out how far away from your house your hedge is. If it is 100 metres away then you might need a very long cable to reach your hedge. So you need to buy a hedge trimmer with a very long cable (or wire). Next you need to work out just how much of a weed you are. It's no use buying a great big heavy one, if it makes your wrists ache after a few minutes. I suggest you go into a shop and feel them all for weight, then when you've made your decision to buy, pop home and get onto the internet and buy one from there (it will be cheaper).

Here's some more hedge trimmer pictures.

Enjoy your trimming.

SEO Marketing specialist.

Have you ever wonderered how come this website is on page 34,990 on Google for SEO Marketing Specialist? That's because it's been optimised for usage of Google. And I can do this for your website too! Yes, for just £20 per key word (a key word is like a word that has something to do with your website or business that Google will hopefully find and then associate that word with your business or website) I will enter your site, and insert something very special and will get you high up.

*I'm very sorry, but I cannot offer this service to those living in West Yorkshire.

Update on my cyber peeping tom.

As some of you will be aware of those who I have hither told about on this website, I have been the victim of a cruel and heartless imitator. Someone who thought I had no sense of humour at all and copied my blog with a terribly shoddy imitiation of this thus said blog. I have warned this cyber peeping tom that unless they removed EVERYTHING from the internet that I didn't like, I would report them to the police. They have failed to do this, and so I have had no option but to report them to the police. The local police don't actually man the local police station after 3pm on week days, and so thus I left a message on their community action hotline. I imagine once they listen to their messages they will start a thorough investigation into my complaint. I'm seeing flip charts. Case conferences. Flashing lights.

THE CORGI

I've been commissioned to drawer a picture of a corgi for a royal fan of corgis, or a fan of royality. I'm not sure, I can't rememeber much since I passed out through sniffing that marker pen earlier today. Now some might say it's not a very realistic looking corgi, but that's how I see them in my own unique style. Some people like to draw things to make them look like the thing they are drawing, but I think that's wrong. Quite quite wrong. If you don't draw what's in your mind (marker pen fumes or not) who will?

Anyway. I can't remember who requested this art work, so if it was you can you send me the £20 and I'll email the picture to you as soon as the funds clear.

Testimonials.

" Great service, my toilet has never worked better" - Mrs Lundy, Essex

"Always turns up on time" J. Pritchard, Eastbourne

"My business was on the rocks until I hired Lenny to create some wonderful cartoons for my website. Now I'm raking it in. God bless Mr Gubbin" Mr Slimpton, Nigeria

" He never fails to send us interesting items in the post"

Editor, Wetwang Advertiser

The Boiled Egg Mystery

Someone suggested that I include more boiled eggs on this website. Well yes. That is a very good idea. I have spent many hours working on this MR BOILED EGG cartoon strip. I don't know what that strange mark is on the bottom left. I did have some workmen in my loft the other week. They might have dislodged something which seeped onto my pad.

The Tortoise and the Old Woman.

Once upon a time there was an old woman who was cruel and mean. She didn't like anything or anyone, particularly slow moving creatures like tortoises. One day when she was walking back from the bingo, a mean horrible tortoise tried to steal her walking stick (I forgot to draw that bit). The old woman was very angry and so she kicked that mean horrid tortoise.

The tortoise died. It was 101 years old, but one sharp tap from a Cosy Feet soft upper support shoe had seen to it that the tortoise died straight away of a horrid death to death.

The old woman walked a different way home from the bingo for several weeks after this.

Wasn't that a wonderful nice story? Something that would be good for a comic strip I feel. Perhaps a three frame comic strip (that's a comic strip with three boxes, or 'frames'). What adventures could the old woman and the tortoise get up to next? Will she win at the bingo? Perhaps she'll have some sort of operation? I'm clean out of ideas to be honest Please leave some ideas for me in the comments box.

Photo realism.

People often ask me if I have any other talent free from cartooning. Well yes I do. I'm also a fully equipped digital photographer and photo realistic artist. The photo of the bike is on the right BTW.

A comic strip featureing you!

I am now able to offer a unique service that is better than all the other services out there. That's right. A personalised comic strip featureing you. All you need to do is provide me with the story and I can draw it for you. Comic strips from only £80 (that's a 50% reduction on what I was thinking of charging!)

Send me your ideas and I'll turn it into a special gift for yourself or perhaps your mum.

* Remember I cannot print the comic strip for you, as my printer is broken, but I will send you a very high quality email.

Cartoonist Printers.

As most of you will be aware I am having issues with my printer. It will only print black and yellow at the moment, and quite frankly I don't do that many wasp cartoons anymore. I'm looking for a new printer and I wonderered what is the best printer for a cartoonist? Do they make special cartoonist printers? I've spent most of the morning fingering the Argos catalogue, but I can't find anything suitable. I can't believe there's nothing out there. I got a really good set of gel pens from Argos once, but when it comes to printers they don't seem to have anything suitable for brilliant cartoon artists. Sort it out Argos. I don't want to go to town!

I can't believe how illegal some people can be!

I can't believe this, but someone has decided to take the piss out of this blog, buy making a shoddy imitation. I just can't believe that someone would want to do something like that. It looks like I'll have no other option but to seek legal advice from Bert across the road (his ex-son-in-law was married to a court usher). I've looked on some American legal sites about copyright and general illegality such forwith as thus, this, but I cannot find anything about the law in the United Kingdom.

Clearly this sad twisted person has issues with my overall brilliance. I'm not going to feed the dog for the next few days. just in case they attempt to break in and steal all my quite excellent cartoons (it's a good job that I drew most of them with a mouse, so there is no actual paper copies).



If this behaviour continues then I'll have no option but to dial 999 and call the police. The police will come down heavy on anyone who takes the piss out of this Talent Free website. I'm not sure whether I should request armed police or just normal ones? What do you think? As always, comments welcome.

p.s. does anyone know how long a bad tempered rottweiler can go without food?

The Queen Mum

I was commissioned to do this excellent caricature of the Queen mother buy one of my neighbours. As you can see caricature is just one more of my many talents. If you would like me to draw you one of your most favourite royals then please email me, enclosing a £20 note and I'll send you within 30 minutes a masterpiece like this. You could use it for a birthday card, or just hang it on your wall. Sorry, but I can't print any of these pictures off at the moment, as my printer is playing up and will only print black and yellow. I can send a very high quality email direct to your email inbox.

Real life is a great inspiration

This is a highly amusing thing that happened the other day somewhere near my fridge, which is in the kitchen. Where is your fridge? Please leave a comment below.

The Cartoonist Club Of England.

I have recently joined the Cartoonist Club Of England and I am proud to display the official logo on my website. You can also join the club by just paying me £20, then you can also have this prestigious logo for your blog. I can also design you a professional looking logo for your own website. Colours available are:

• Red with blue lettering (for social clubs, bingo halls etc)
• Blue with yellow lettering (for sailing societies and swedish restarrants)
• Yellow with black lettering (MOT stations, personal blogs, family picture albums)
  

I'm giving up the day job!

I've decided that this blog has been such a success that I am going to quit my day job, TODAY! None of those £20 note have arrived yet, but that's probably the postal system which isn't that good here. There's always confusion over the flat numbers. I have drawn this cartoon in a crude style, which I think is unique for people in my age group. It is available for FREE to use on your own blog. All I ask is that you credit this blog and me, Lenny when you post it. My boss is going to be livid to lose such a talent as me, but then he won't let me use his computer to create my wonderful artwork. Same old shit about needing to answer the phone to paying customers.

Old Master

I found this painting I did many years ago when I was at school. I remember at the time my teacher Mrs Higgins saying how wonderful it was. So lifelike she had some sort of nervous breakdown during the summer holidays. But before she did that, and started talking to stray pigeons, she said as soon as the internet has been invented, I should post it online and probably make lots of money from it. I had no idea what she was talking about, as this was 1986 and I didn't know what lots of money was. Perhaps if I'd only listened to her, I would be driving a 06 plate Mondeo now instead or something just as flash.

Well it's time to put all those things behind me now I've decided to become a brilliant cartoonist. If you'd like to buy this, or one of my other lifelike paintings that can induce nervous breakdowns then I can sell it to you for just £20. (postage extra).

*If this picture doesn't look anything like you, or a loved one, I can produce a life like drawing from a photograph you send me.

Disney told me that my cartoons are brilliant.

Someone once told me that my cartoons were quite brilliant. I have to say I'm inclined to agree with this person. They are good in a naive sort of way. As shit cartoons go, I am at the top of the shit cartoon tree. I would draw good cartoons, but then I'd be like everyone else, and I like to have a unique style that's instantly recognisable.

My good friend Cretin229 who once coloured in a Disney picture of lady and the tramp, and has seen every episode of Spong Bob square pants (on DVD!) told me that my cartoons were something rather special. He worked on Disney, so he must know what he's talking about!

Running club.

Here's an interesting and very amusing cartoon I just drew with a mouse. It's nothing to do with mice of course. It's about running. It would make a great logo for a running club newsletter. So if you have a running club newsletter and you don't have a logo, get in touch and you can pay me just one of those £20 notes you have and then you can use it on your running club website or newsletter and then more people will want to join your running club. Even if they don't, they'll run away from your running club newsletter, and then they'll be running anyway! Ha ha ha.

I also do cross stitch, but you'll have to pay for the wool, if you want this done in cross stitch. Wool is very expensive these days.

A face.

This is another cartoon character I have been working on, but I think I cocked it up.
If you'd like to use this cartoon for FREE, then they'll be no charge for it.
Did you see what I did there with the lettering on the blog? That's right, I changed the colour of it. For just £20 I can show you how to change the colour on your website*




*It'll have to be only on a blogger blog website, as I don't know how to do any of that with Wordpress or suchlike. For just £20, I'll learn how to, get right back to you and then only charge you £20 to show you how to change the text colour on other websites.

Have you or your next door neighbour got a funny story?

Well have you? Then let me create a cartoon about it. For just £20 I will create a unique cartoon for you. It could be an amusing story about hall carpets for instance. Anything at all. Please comment below and let me know what you'd like me to draw.

I have no ideas, but more importantly I have no £20 notes - and you might have.

If you want the stick people colouring in then I will have to charge another £20. It'd be like your children drew something for you, but without having to tear them away from their Playstation Wee Wee or whatever. And it'll cost less than having children, if you don't already have them.

Example:

What I'm having for lunch.

I have quite a selection of food in my fridge. I've not decided what I'm going to eat as yet, but I will tell you as soon as I've eaten it. That's if my internet connection work properly before I have to grab my lolly pop stick and go to work.

This is the sort of food I like:

Quantity is important.

For many people out there without my obvious talents, they strive to make the content on their websites interesting and wonderful. Something that other people want to read all the time. I am not concerned with any of that. When I write on my many websites I like my content to be unique and as other people write quality articles, I think it's much better to be much worse and write utter garbage. It's MY garbage and that's the way I like it.

Many other lesser people than myself also don't post very often. I am not like that. Being as brilliant as I no doubt am, I post all the time.

Welcome.

Welcome to my lovely blog. Let me introduce myself. My name is Lenny. I am a very successful web warrior. I have been surfing the internet for many many years now. I know how to send an email to more than 1 person at a time, and I can show you how to do this too. My lessons start at a very reasonable £20, or if you are in America or somewhere else that doesn't use British money you can pay me $20.

I can also set up a professional looking blog like this for a very reasonable fee of £50.

Well here is someone else's picture that I stole found on the internet. It's OK to use it because if I'd have thought of it myself, this is what I would have drawn.

Hi and welcome to my very successful cartoon business blog free cartoon site. Here I will be posting many cartoons that you won't be able to find anywhere else. These cartoons might be described by some as stupid and lacking any humour or drawing talent, but I like it that way.

Here's my first cartoon on this blog. You can use it to sell home insurance on your own expert website.