This is another policeman but you might not be able to tell on account of he's dressed as a Morris Dancer.

but he still gets to wave phallic objects, like truncheons, around in public. Failing that, hankies.

Mr Brightside.

Here's the very first entry in how to draw a constable contest (no material prize available). What a wonderful start to the contest, from Mr Steve Bright. He's neglected to tell us his age, but I imagine from the outstanding quality of his drawing (he hasn't gone over a single line) he must have left school at least 10 years ago. Well done you!

Steve has clearly taken the advice I gave in the tutorial and has drawn the policemen in funny 'police' hats and uniforms so you can tell they are policemen. If he'd drawn them without any clothes on for instance, it would have been very hard to tell what they were supposed to be, so well done again.

It's a super drawing, and I think it deserves at least 4. points out of 5, 5 points for effort and 3.9554 for not going over the lines.

Please send your entries in for this contest soon, as I have literally several that I need to assess. Come on folks. I know you can do better than Steve.

Drawing tutorials. How to draw a policeman. Part 1.

Recently I posted an hilarious cartoon about a policeman arresting a criminal. Many people asked me how I managed to draw such a convincing policeman, so here's a quick tutorial for any cartoonists out there that would like to drawer a policeman in their cartoons.

Perhaps you have a funny joke in mind about policemen, or you just want to do a joke about taking down particulars (could be a smutty joke for Viz or some low quality humour magazine such as thus.).

I forgot to colour in the boots of this policeman, but I'm assured after much research that they should be dark brown or black. I'd love to see readers attempts at following this tutorial, and maybe I could give them all marks out of 5. 5 being the best.

Hilarious Crime Joke Cartoon.

I have drawed this wonderful cartoon of a criminal 'fencing' some stolen goods and then getting arrested by a policeman for 'fencing' stolen goods. I think it's hilarious, and so did the jehovis witness that I showed it to this morning. He thought it was so funny, that he needed to leave immediately to 'tell all of his friends where the cartoonist lives'. Which I thought was nice.

Crime is of course never hilarious, and I'm sorry to any readers who've had their goods fenced in this way. No offence intended. Crime is never funny. Not even when a clown is raped.

Caricature of son.

Caricature Of My Son, almost right.

I've been drawing cartoons for many months now, and one area of cartooning drawing that I have not really attempted so far is the world of caricature. This is my first attempt at drawing a caricature of my son. It doesn't really look like him at all very much. I don't know what happened. I set out with pen in hand and a peice of paper with the intention of drawing an accurate life-like cartoon portrait of him, but the end result is not quite what I hoped for.

My son isn't too impressed either. Yes, I know he's now 27, but I find his attitude of refusing to speak to me, quite frankly, childish! All I suggested was that he grow a beard and wear these glasses I have, to make making his likeness much easier!

Oh well. Next I'm going to attempt a cartoon of my wife/girlfriend as it's her birthday soon, and I'm sure she'd love a romantic souveneer of the occassion.

I need a fix of lemonade.

With all this hot weather we have been having I'm surprised that there isn't more Lemonade cartoons in the popular press. I cam up with the idea for this hilarious cartoon, but thinking of what type of drink would be nice in the hot weather and then thinking of how to make this into a very funny cartoon that people would love.

None of that worked, so I drew this instead.

It's going to be massive.

This is just one of the many of cartoons that I've recently drawn to send off to some magazines and internet message boards. I think it's much better than many of the cartoons we often see in print these days. I'll let you know what Woman's Own say when they get it.

Handy finger insertion (3)

In the final tutorial of this short tutorials on how to draw hands for your cartoon charactures, we are going to explore with the pointed finger or 'the wiggle' as some cartoonist call it. This can be a very important techique to give your characture a realistic and believable relationship with other charactures in your drawings. It can also help if a characture is able to point at something that isn't as obvious as it should be, or just needs to press a button (such as in Robot cartoons and the thus suchlike).

Rip off car insurance. Grrrrrrrr.....

I was charged with seeking a good deal for my wife/girlfriends car insurance, so I visited the local insurance broker (broker is an appropriate name for them, as they seem to specialise in breaking people!). I gave them all the information required for them to do a search on the details required. I get a quote for £345 for 1 years insurance including a no claims discount of 3 years. Everything seemed fine, when I get a phone call from the broker the next day to say that the insurance has been refused because I'd forgotten to tell them about a little accident my girlfriend had over 4 years ago when driving her Fiat Tipo.

Now when I tried to seek another insurance policy I was told that the price would now be over £1,000 as a result of this minor shunt she had in her Fiat Tipo. WHAT??? This is a complete rip off. I was furious, and if the police hadn't already been called I would have probably given them a reason to claim on their insurance. Don't insurance companies realise that once someone has had such a minor shunt, they are MORE CAREFUL IN THE FUTURE! Therefore, thus making them safer drivers in the future. I'm sick and tired of this rip -of -Britain that I've been told about in the quality press such as thus Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph. This is just another example of it. Well now we are making a stand against R.O.B. and needless to say my Wife/Girlfriend is now driving without any insurance at all. I understand there's a fund available for un-insured drivers to make claims on anyway, so it seems pointless to just let them financially rape her like this.

How much do you charge for your cartoons?

Anyone who knows me or this website knows that my standard fee for cartoons and illustrations is £20 per cartoon (hourly rate, if my sister phones and interrupts me then it could be quite a bit more), but I've noticed that many cartoonists are very secretive about what they charge for their cartoons.

I think this is the wrong way to conduct business. You wouldn't go to buy a fridge in a shop that didn't display the prices, would you, and therefore why should it be any different for cartoons? Cartoons are to business what fridges are to kitchens full of cheese that needs to be stopped from going smelly, unless it's a type of cheese that is supposed to be smelly, is the way I think of it. Sometimes I think of everything in terms of preserving cheese.

Election selection expectation...

Well wasn't that an interesting General Election. As some of you will be aware I have been indisposed during the actual voting process, and was unable to vote myself. It was quite a surprise to come home and find that we didn't have any Government at all.

I'm quite pleased to see a sensible looking man doing a number 10, instead of that Scottish man. I don't have anything against Scottish people's as such there thus, but I don't like Scottish men who don't have a beard. Call me strange. I Think all Scottish men should have beards, like in the movies. Everything should be like in the movies, but none of these so called politicians offered that you anyone, did they?

Well I think Mr Cameron would make a great prime minister. I don't know what Mr Brown is going to do now he's been sacked from the position by the Queen. It doesn't look good on anyone's CV when you've been sacked by the Queen does it? I'm sure he'll find something to do for a living. Perhaps he could work on the Shopping Channel?

Hand it 2.

In the secone tutorial in this series of how to draw hands in your cartoons, we are looking at how to drawer a hand that is grasping something very firmly. This can often be a very useful ability to have, particularly if you are illustrating a survival skills newsletter, or a boy scout manual, for instance.

As you can see it's very easy to do once you get used to it, it'll be second nature and you'll be doing this without even thinking about it, until your tea is ready. Just be careful not to stay up all night doing this, as you'll exhaust yourself in next to no time.

Instructions for hands.

I'm often asked how do I draw hands when I'm drawing my cartoons. Well, here is the first of many tutorials on drawing hands. We'll start with a 'grabbing' hand, or 'clutching' hand, which can be very important when drawing talent free cartoons such as thus:

Hairy wrists are entirely optional, and probably not appropriate if you are drawing a cartoon of a grasping woman, for instance.

Beware of women on the blob.

I was holding out for Cathy to write this article, but it looks like she is more concerned with Kitchen utensils and such like things like her garden furniture!

Women are extremely amusing when they have their periods, as anyone who owns one will know. They are snappy and unreasonable at the best of times, but they are even worst when they have the painters in so to speak, and this always makes a great subject for a greetings card, or Valentines card (too late for that). There's great humour in mild aliments like periods or the monthlies. Everyone loves to laugh at the angry lady, as it such where was thus.

This cartoon (like nearly all of them) is for sale for business use. Perhaps you have a lipstick discount store, or you sell books to feminists? Then this cartoon could be the ideal image for your poster campaign advert, just in time for the summer!

Cartoons for businessmen who can't draw them themselves.

I've noticed since becoming a professional cartoonist how many businesses don't use cartoons as their main way of promoting their businesses. I find this very strange. When I'm looking through the Yellow Pages to find a plumber to unblock my outside drain hole, I'm not going to be drawn towards one that doesn't use eye catching cartoons or illustrations in their advert. Plain text, or boring lists of qualifications don't mean that the plumber is going to be any good.

And besides. If he skimps on his advert by not spending something like £20 to a cartoonist to make his advert eye catching and humourous (people need cheering up when their toilets are blocked) then what eles has he skimped on? Does he have wonky brakes on his van, therefore possibly putting your Corgi in danger has he tries to turn around in your cul-de-sac? Perhaps he bought all his tools from some dodgy bloke in the pub, and he might break your u-bend while he's trying to remove all the Tena-Man.

But there's a solution to your problems if you're a business man and you can't draw cartoons. Hire a web cartoonist to draw the cartoon for you. Most web cartoonist can draw all sorts of things (but not horses).

Here's a few of the top three web cartoonist for hire for your project.

1. Leonard Gubbins
2. L.G.
3. Mr G

I'd be happy to help you with your project of course as well I would. Please send me plenty of details about your project, starting off with how much you are prepared to pay a cartoonist for drawing something for you for your business needs.

I am able to send you a rough draught 20 minutes after I get your briefs.

Content is king. Illustrations are like Jesters.

I am often asked what makes a successful blog, but I rarely answer that question, because I don't want just anyone to be able to replicate the Talent Free website I have created.

Well now I feel confident enough to confide in you, dear reader just what does make a successful blog. Firstly it's very important to identify your audience, but how do you do that, when you don't have an  audience, or don't know who your audience is. I would say to any blog author that there are some simple steps you can take to identify who are your audience and what do they want. This can be achieved by taking note of whole leaves comments on your blog or website and perhaps visiting their blog or website to see what sort of person they are and what sort of content you think they would like to read.


Content is very important. There's no use in providing excellent articles on something very intelligent, such as the physics of quorn, if your core readers are mud stupid for instance. Assuming that your readers are just a little intelligent (like this blog) then you can provide articles that get good Google rankings, and that real people will find interesting.


Clicking knees often prevent me from sitting at my desk for too long, so I'm going to have to leave this article there, but I think I've given you enough of a start to start writing excellent content for your blog, website or weblog.

I'm back. I'm thinking of you.

Well that was an interesting trip. I can't say where I've been because I was doing something top secret and I don't want to make all the agoraphobic visitors jealous. It involved going outside, and that's all I'm prepared to say. Indoor travelling just isn't my sort of thing.


While I was away from the website I'm pleased to see that My Paul Mahoney and Cathy whathername carried the torch for Talent Free by posting some wonderful articles. I will now burn the poloroids next weekend when I have my weekend barbaque next weekend as promised. Redvers poloroids will be posted as also promised!


When I got away from my trip I had many emails waiting for me for emails commissions for lots of exciting projects. I'm not going to be able to draw many Talent Free cartoons for a while, while I catch up with all the exciting projects, and I'm not going to be able to tell you what those exciting projects are due to client confidentiality reasons. Not even the one that wants a cartoon caricture design for their Weymouth holiday camp corportate DVD presentation or the one that wants my expert services as a prooof reader for their plumbing services web gateway portal website.


I might even have to get up early in the morning, and not watch cash in the atticc.


Onwards and upwards then with the cartoon artistic services and copyrighting business services (UK) limited.


I think that's enough for Google.

Election

Well. I don't know about you, but what a frustrating outcome. There's me thinking a new government was about to take over this country when, shut my mouth, it didn't. Imagine my frustration when I thought, "here we are", I thought, "an end to crime, an end to schools, an end to NHS stuff & more importantly an end to communism". I don't know about you, but I'm sick of hearing, "Marx this & Tito that" & "Lenin this" & "McCartney that".
Ted Heath was the best Prime Minister ever. Now there's a man who can run a country & conduct a big band. Ooh, the groove I've done to the tune of Papa Loves Mambo (Decca F10401, release date 1954). Seriously, I've been in positions (barely legal in some countries) to The Faithful Hussar (Decca F10746, release date 1956). Anyway, he's dead now.
Now, if the great Mike, "and this is me" Yarwood stood for election whilst imitating Harold Wilson, Frank Spencer or even Ted Heath, he might of won because he was shite at impressions & the public like an underdog. He ended up having a breakdown anyway. For crying out loud Mike Yarwood, what's the big deal? If Les "I don't really know actually" Dennis can hold a career as an impressionist, surely you can. You could've been Sir Mike "and this is me" Yarwood by now.
So, to summarise. This country's stiffed. Above is a cartoon of a nationwide reaction around the country, nationwide.
(Nationwide.... Nationwide was a BBC News and Current affairs television series broadcast on BBC One each weekday following the early evening news. It followed a magazine format, combining political analysis and discussion with consumer affairs, light entertainment and sports reporting hosted by Hugh Sculley)

God Bless America & Tony Orlando & Dawn.

Paul Mahoney (pronounced Marney)

Laughing at insanity, knowing how to apply a bandage.

I've often been asked about how much I know about insanity. This usually occurs just after I've shown someone my cartoons for the first time.

Funnily enough, I did once train to be a psychologist many years back, but I found that people boring me with their pathetic problems wasn't for me, so I didn't go back for the second day of training. Having experience of being a psychologist for even a short time did equip me with the knowledge to read people quite well, particularly insane people, of which there is many of them on the estate that  I live. 

The insane people are usually the ones wearing the inappropriate hats, so it's easy to spot an insane person, unless they are not wearing a hat in which case it's usually a little harder. Just asking someone if they are insane isn't usually that effective, particularly if they are Geordies, as they are likely to reply "Yeah, I'm mad me!". Playing word association games with strangers at a bus stop isn't that advisable either, as it can usually involve a discussion with the constabulary.

Concentrating just on the obvious ones with the inappropriate hats is usually the best tactic when trying to identify insane people.

So just what is an inappropriate hat you may ask? Well, wearing a bowler hat in a working mans club is obviously a clear sign of madness, unless they are part of the entertainment.

Wearing a rain hat in a charity shop can be a sign of insanity, unless the string is wet and stuck, and it has been raining outside.

Wearing a flat cap while driving an Italian supermini is a sign of insanity, unless the person is in Yorkshire at the time, in which case it's probably just a sign of poverty.

Without knowing for certain if someone is insane or not, can make it very difficult to mock and laugh at the insane people on your local estate. It's a mind-field for certain, but get it right, and there's lots of fun to be had. Basic knowledge of first aid is always useful when laughing at insanity.

Please join my new forum.

Well, after being banned by several other forums of late I have decided to start up my own forum. I figure this way I can't be banned from this forum, as it is MY own forum. Trouble is, I don't have any members to ban myself, as I'm the only member of MY own forum, so I would like to invite all cartoonists, cross-stitcher's, and spiritualists that would like to be banned from my forum to register for MY own forum, so I can start banning them from MY own forum and then I'll feel all warm inside.

I'd like to think that MY own forum will become a really good place for all wonderful people like me to publish their own work on there, and save me the trouble of having to bother quite so much. I'm very busy with my cats diarrhoea at the moment (funny cartoon story about that to follow soon), so I'm not getting as much time as I'd like to write ALL the forum posts myself.

First 3 members to join up can be moderators if they like.

Off my shopping trolley.

I'm often asked what I know about layers and backgrounds. To be honest, very little, but I'm not going to let something like that stop me from explaining to you what they are.

Here's a picture I recently did for a childrens book illustration (due to be published within the next 2 years).

As you can see I have created a rather wonderful background for this picture with very professional looking gradients (more about them later).
Now the trick is to use layers for each element of the picture, so I can get rid of the bits of the picture which I don't want to be there with just a simple click of my moose. Thus, therefore this:

And thus there we have it. Off with the shopping trolley. I didn't have to draw the picture twice. I used the layers function of the menu to 'hide' the shopping trolley from view before saving it twice. That bit was the hardest work.

Here's the background on it's own, which you can download to place your own creations withon it. What funny ideas can you think of for such a background image? Perhaps you'd like to draw a dog, or maybe some kind of man with a large gardening implement? I'm looking forward to seeing them all. Please email them to me at the usual address (please, no more Korean spam). The one which wins the first prize will win an all expenses trip to having a link on this very website to their own website.

Dunkin' Biscuits

I am often asked about dunking biscuits – possibly because of the prevalence of biscuits among my garden furniture and then people think I live my life surrounded by biscuits and think of little else. The roof tiles consist of large cream crackers, and possibly this adds to that impression.

I was recently asked, by someone in an earnest quest for knowledge, whether it was better to dunk rich tea biscuits in my own bath, or someone else’s. This got me thinking – good question, yes, but it’s always wise to heed the advice given by my great aunt Cornelia:

“You really shouldn’t wee in the bath. Especially when your mum’s already in there.”

Sadly, many do not heed such a warning, and see no problem in sitting there in what amounts to a tub full of very dilute urine; in the mistaken belief that this will somehow assist them in their personal hygiene. So, my advice to anyone looking to dunk their rich tea biscuits should examine the water carefully before the biccie takes the plunge … is it a faint yellow colour? If yes, pull the plug out and refill before trying a dunk.

Sometimes crafty people will disguise their ablutory activities by the addition of bath salts, bubble bath and similar, and should you encounter a bath full of suspiciously scented chemicals, have no hesitation in pulling the plug out and refilling the bath.

In either of these cases, don’t worry if the person IS still in there. Serves ‘em right.

This theme will be continued in future articles and will cover such topics as:
* Is it wise to dunk building materials to soften them before eating?

* How to create a mathematical formula to establish the optimum size and shape of a potential dunking biscuit, given the height and depth of the tea receptacle.

* The best thing to do with the half an inch of gunk you get at the bottom of the mug.

Smile cartoon.

I was recently asked to provide a cartoon for promotion of a local dental surgery and came up with this.

I'm still waiting to see if the dentist will chose my cartoon to go through to the next round of "smile for a cartoon" campaign he's started. Fingers cross. There's a massive discount on root canal work available. (the other local cartoonists I know about all have dentures - I believe).

I've started a new blog.

Considering the great success of this blog, I thought it was about time I had some other blogs in my blog empire. My new blog is called Vulgarama. It's mostly full of rude words at the moment but when I've finished my community service got back from my trip away I will update it with some interesting pictures, and maybe even some photos.

In time I will be looking for some new blog authors for this wonderful blog. These tea towels won't sell themselves you know.