The best font for your cartoons ...

... has surely got to be this one.

The best fonts for your cartoons.

Searching on my copy of photoshop today I realised that there's a font called Comic Sans. Clearly this has been designed with cartoonists in mind. Brilliant. We now have our own font for use in our cartoons. It's a great shame that there's not more comic fonts available to us, but until there is, we should all be using COMIC SANS as much as possible to promote the cartoon industry.

Welcome Paul Mahoney, our latest Talent Free Author.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome our latest Talent Free author, Mr Paul Mahoney. He's very kindly agreed to provide this blog with his expert insight into all things concerning rodent contraception, the best plumbers based in the Northwest, Gel Pen techniques, and of course how to make millions of pounds from drawing cartoons.


I'm sure Paul will be providing some really really good articles that will outshine our current Talent Free authors by a large margin. He has promised to publish some Talent Free cartoons, up to 50 times per day, which means that Cathy will be able to take that long promised caravan holiday at long last.


*Photo is not of Mr Mahoney.

Why it's very important to be funny and to laugh if you don't want someone to kill you. Soon.

I recently uncovered the most amazing fact, which I found so amazing that I was instantly amazed:

"Babies who are born blind and deaf can laugh, so the ability to see or hear is not required for laughter."

(Just as well, you might say! Nor is a sense of humour necessary! Arf arf!)

However, this is an evolutionary characteristic which we share with the jackal, the horse, the squid, the kookaburra, the cavalier and the policeman, so it must be necessary for the survival of all of these, especially if they find themselves all occupying the same mine shaft at the same time.

I find that very young children make me laugh more than anyone else. Apart from grannies. And people on crutches. Looking at this from a survival point of view I can see how this could be by 'design', since I can run faster than any of these, and can get out of the way really quick while they attempt to hit me with blunt instruments.

Laughter is now proven to be contagious, like measles and gonorrhoea, but it's probably not as much fun in the catching stage as the latter. Though it's less stressful once you've got it.

How can we use laughter to benefit our lives?

Well, as Leonard has pointed out, brilliant cartoons can arise from normal events in normal lives, such as letting your ten-year-old stretch clingfilm across the loo before Grandpa takes a quick dump, and they can also greatly enhance YOUR business.

I'm still honing my craft here, unlike Leonard, but I'm still proud to offer cartoons written in purple glitter pen written on lavatory paper (Somerfield own brand). They mostly cost £20.00.

Everyone needs a good neighbour 2

This hilarious cartoon has been inspired by Cathy's inspirational story about her neighbour which she posted on here yesterday. I think it's wonderful that Cathy is such a wonderful neighbour. If she doesn't manage to save you, she'll always be willing to help with police enquiries, and that's something very re-assuring for anyone who lives near Cathy, the good neighbour. Her story also makes for a wonderful cartoon. If you have had a neighbourly drama recently, and you'd like a hilarious cartoon all about it, then please email me and I can use your story and my unique imagination to drawer you a wonderful cartoon, just like this one*. Rates start from a very reasonable £20 (hourly rate), so as long as your story isn't that complicated it should only cost you £20. I will email you the cartoon so you can print it out yourself for FREE.

*Your neighbour doesn't need to be tied to a tree. I can also drawer small shrubs and washing lines.

It's very important to be a good neighbour

My next door neighbours (in the next field)(they're horses, i.e. neighbours - Geddit?)(But not really - arf arf!)

Well anyway my neighbours were having their usual Tuesday afternoon shennanigans; these normally involve crowbars and other blunt instruments, with the odd bayonet thrown in for good measure, when ... all of a sudden ... it all went ... quiet!
Then I heard a door slam, with such ferocity that my tin of pilchards fell off the mantelpiece.

Mr Vladtheimpaler from next door was stomping down the road swearing to himself so volubly that he made Old Alkie Ron from the Pig and Whistle sound like Prince Charles. But what had happened to his wee wifey?

Well, I looked out of the window and saw that he had tied her to a tree with her own straitjacket cords. She was unable to move. It started to rain. It didn't look as though she had her mobile phone with her, so would be unable to contact emergency services.

So what did I do? I ordered her a mobile phone, online, and they promised to deliver it within a week, so she'll be able to phone the police/ambulance/local psychiatric unit.

I just don't know what she'd have done without me. It's just SO important to be a good neighbour.

Digital Cartooning.

I have often been interested in the idea of producing brilliant cartoons using the very latest digital technology. These days it's possible to draw very good cartoons with no skills at all, and no paperI have often been interested in the idea of producing brilliant cartoons using the very latest digital technology. These days it's possible to draw very good cartoons with no skills at all, and no paper, or even without a gel pen (glitter or normal).


There's many different kinds of graphics tablets available these days, starting from just $34. It's probably a good idea to buy the cheapest graphics tablet you can find at first, and if you find it useful, to  gradually buy the next most expensive. So you'd start with the $34 one, and then perhaps buy a $55 one and then a £100 one and so on, until you have become such an accomplished digital cartoonist that you are able to spend several thousand pounds (or dollars if you live in the America).


Of course, it goes without saying that it's still very important to have some gel pens and cheap paper lying around, as no matter how expensive your graphics tablet is, none of them work in a power cut! (quite a major design flaw in my opinion!).

How to haggle. Part 1.

I am often asked how that I am coping with the worst recession since records began, being a new cartoonist business person expert, that is yet to receive the influx of £20 notes that I expected to receive by now, I am forced to be a canny shopper. Particularly when making purchases in charity shops.

Now many people in this country are not very good at haggling, and even less so when "it's for charity", but I think it would be stupid to ignore the possibilities available to the strong minded bargain hunter. Last week I was in the local Age Concern shop, looking for something classy for the wife/girlfriends birthday. Having browsed the various brick-a-brac on sale at this particular branch, I noticed a rather fetching "Elvis Presley" mirrored picture. It looked like something I once missed out on a bidding war on Ebay, and thought it would be an ideal addition to the downstairs toilet, and of course a splendid gift for the said Wife/girlfriend.

She said that £5.50 was the price set by Marjorie, and as she wasn't in on Tuesdays she couldn't do anything about the price! I was quite rightly disgusted with this attitude, and refused to agree to such a high asking price. After around 45 minutes of just repeatedly asking for a 50% discount, and this elderly woman stubbornly refusing to see the "the customer is always right", she asked me to leave the shop, or she would call the police.

I can't understand why charity shops employ such dogmatic people. Clearly she was thinking more about her commission, rather than focussing on creating a satisfied customer, that might pop in to buy an ashtray or a bobble-less cardigan in the future. Age concern have lost me as a customer now. Once I find a shop that won't treat me well, I refuse to ever shop there again. That's why I no longer shop at Rumbelows. As far as I'm concerned, those sort of businesses can go bankrupt! Hopefully the local Age Concern shop will learn some lessons from this before that happens.

How to stop being murdered on Facebook.

I am so angry right now. It has just been in the news (the other week) that someone has been murdered on Facebook, and yet Facebook have done nothing to stop this happening! It's ridiculous that people are being murdered on Facebook as we speak, and all we seem to do is poke each other and then send each other a golden chicken on Farmville.

I think it's time we all stood up and made a stand against this senseless murdering that's taking place on Facebook the whole time we are on there. We are FaceBookers, but we are not faceless witnesses. If you see someone being murdered on Facebook, then it's your cyber duty to report this to the police immediately. I suggest that everyone befriends a serving police officer on Facebook ready for such an eventuality and then you can instantly message them to say "Hey! There's a murder taking place on Facebook". They can then swoop in and prevent the murder from taking place, and we can then all get back to Mafia Wars in peace.

Improve your life, improve your website.

Do you have a boring website? Does it lack a special quality? Does it lack high impact articles written by a modest, but at the same time brilliant article writer?

Well I may be able to help you with your shitty, worthless website, and possibly your life at the same time. My Name is Leonard, and I'm a highly experienced Article Writer, Cartoonist and Spiritualist. I can write you an article for your website that will engage your readers, who quite frankly are probably completely bored at having nothing to read on your website. I can also produce wonderful, original cartoons that will increase customers and inspire them to spend lots of money on your online store.


Some areas of expertise that I can write articles on include:

• Relationship advice (I've had many many relationships in my time - so  I know what I'm talking about)
• Basic car maintenance (mostly covering any model Vauxhall made between 1980 - 1992)
• Hedge Trimmers
• Argos Returns Policy
• Gel pens (Glitter and regular)
• How to  manipulate Google into giving your worthless site a much higher ranking than decent, interesting sites. 

So there you have it. For a very reasonable hourly fee (starting from only £20) you too could have a website, without having to write any decent content for it yourself.

How to have an Easy Easter.

I am often asked how come I'm such a calm individual, that never lets things get me flustered. Well it's all to do with good planning. As that wise man, Michael Parkinson once said; "fail to plan and you plan to fail".


Soon it will be Easter, and if you're anything like me (used to be) then by the end of March you'll be having a fight with some old woman in the Co-Op over the last Smartie Easter Egg for sale. Sure, she had it in her basket first, but why should you let this workshy pensioner (who, lets face it has had infinitely more time to prepare for Easter then a hard working Article Writer and Blogger such as yourself). Now it's not pretty, fighting with pensioners in the Co-operative, no matter "good with food" they are.

Fighting with old people in the Co-Op is not what Easter is about!

So now is the time to be buying your Easter Eggs and ensuring that you don't have a fight with an Octogenarian. It's Easter, and the baby Jesus would not have wanted anyone fighting on his Birthday like this!

The Cartoonist Club Of England.

People often ask me how they can get ahead in the highly competitive world of professional cartooning. Well, I have for some time being involved in the excellent CARTOON CLUB OF ENGLAND Which was established in February 2010 to help and support cartoonists, both amatuer and professional. It's a fun club (unlike some others that are stuffy and insist that you have some artistic capability). Even if you can't draw for toffee Then you are still welcome to join. The only joining requirement is the paying of the annual subscription of £20. For this, you get the right to display this splendid logo on your blog or website, regular FREE email newsletters, a twice yearly contest to win some Argos Vouchers (value depending on how many members we get) and of course advice and assistance to promote your work on this website.

Think of it as a bit like Rolfs Cartoon Club, but without the Austrailian. We will not allow Austrailians to ruin this club!

New Digital tool for cartoonists.

Electronic Arts has just announced the release of their brilliant Computer Art package for the Commodore Amiga (and PC compatibles) computer, Deluxe Paint IV. This is the premium digital art package currently available to the home user.

It has some wonderful features, such as 256 colour palettes (that's ANY 256 colours that you choose) or even a special HAM mode that gives a 4,096colour palette effect using a special interlace mode (Amiga 32 bit only, such as the 1200, or 600). I can't currently find anywhere online that's selling Deluxe Paint IV at the moment. At £99.95 I expect it's only available in the USA right now, but it'll no doubt make it's way over to the UK soon, when we can all get our hands on it and take our digital cartooning to a whole new level. Hopefully that high price will be a little more reasonable by such a time by then as well.

A change of plan...

I'm having a couple of days off from Blogging. I have far too many cartoons to draw for clients, and also have a secret project that I'm working on to impress you all thinking that I have secret projects.

If I pull this off, I could be over £20 richer by the end of today!

As you can see, I changed my mind about having a few days off. Articles have been written for the entire week. Updates daily at 9am.

Anyone Can Cartoon

The rather warm weather we have here at Crimper Heights reminds me of a cartoon idea I had when the drive was covered in snow. It proves that anyone can cartoon.

First, you don't draw anything because it's a snow scene. Then you add four black splodges. These are the eyes of two snowmen standing side by side. Next the caption...

"Some snowstorm that" says snowman number one. Let's call him Hector.
"Indeed" replies the other who we'll call Tristan to prove he's younger. "I can't even see my carrot."

Boom Boom!

There we have it. A superb cartoon that I should have sent to Private Eye. And I can't even draw.

[Edit} That should read "lengthy tree lined drive".

What a super idea for a cartoon Mr Crimpers. I have taken the liberty of 'visualising' your creation for you!

I heard a vague rumour that Search Engines favour websites that have a regular input of unique, niche content so if you add articles to your website regularly, the search engines will simply be licking your toes in appreciation, and keen to sell you new pairs of socks!

So, in addition to the niche content (shouldn't that read 'nice' content? - ed) about footwear which Leonard has so graciously made on here, I thought readers would be interested to see more furniture for your pedal extremities:


These flippers are excellent holiday wear, being really bright and vibrant especially if you remember to take the pink background with you. They are ideally suited to that holiday where there will be a lot of water involved, e.g. a scuba-diving holiday, a holiday at a hotel with a swimming pool, a sight-seeing tour of Manchester, and so on. They are perhaps not the best foot attire for nightclubs, though, mostly ... though there are exceptions. Also, don't try putting socks over the top of them. It never works.

What your feet should wear to where?

I am often asked when I go on holiday, after I've been asked where I'm going on holiday, what type of foot shoe my feet will be wearing. Now this might not sound like something the average person would think about that much, and you'd be right. How often have you turned up to a wonderfully exotic holiday destination like Skegnes or Cleethorpes, only to find a fellow travellor wearing a pair of these:

This can really spoil a holiday, there's no doubt about that. What I like to remember when chosing my holiday destination is thinking about what other people who have travelled there before me might be wearing at that destination, at the approximate time that I may arrive at that destination (or similar time the previous year or season). Wellies may be quite suitable for wearing in Winter in Cleethorpes, but you'll stand out like an angry farmer in the height of summer wearing something like that in the height of the summer season.

Remove your site from Google, or else!

Lean on me...

I am often asked where I drawer my rather excellent cartoons and these people asking me this don't mean which room in the house I use, but what I rest my paper on.

There are many 'desks' available for the use of cartoonists these days, unlike during the second world war, where all the desks had to be melted down to build Spit Fries. I was looking for a new desk recently, as I found the kitchen table I was using wasn't really good enough, now that I am a professional cartoonist. My first port of call was, of course, the Argos catologe. Argos have a great reputation for Gel pens and garden furniture, so one could expect them to also have a great range of desks for cartoonists. How wrong I was. As you can see the only desk they had in stock was this one below (this bit of writing). Now that may be a suitable desk for a cartoonist that is just a hobby cartoonist that just drawers cartoons for a hobby, or just for something to do - but professional cartoonists have a few more requirements from their desks. Luckily Argos have a very good exchange/refund policy, so once I'd got my wife/girlfriend to build the desk, and then un-build it - we took it back to get a refund.

Now I was stuck with the dilema of which desk I should buy for my cartoon professional career.

I went into the bed shop next door to Argos, while wife/girlfriend went next door to Brantano's to look at some flip flops for her forthcoming community service. I knew it was a long shot, but who knows. They might have an old desk in the managers office that they didn't want any more. They didn't, so I walked out in disgust, and gave them the sort of look that told them in no terms uncertainly that they have lost me as a customer forever (even for bedroom furniture).

This would have made an ideal desk for a cartoonist, but the bed shop didn't have any for sale!

And here's a token of appreciation to mothers, everywhere, to celebrate Mothers' Day

Actually, Tootsie did this drawing (although it was my idea) and I think you'll agree that it is very much in keeping with the standard of cartoons on here.

(Drawn in glitter pen on lavatory paper, Somerfield own brand)

CASH & CHIPS.

I am often asked if it's just brilliant cartoons that I drawer. Well no, as well as ghost writing for many well known local celebrities and of course drawing brilliant cartoons which get fantastic Google rankings (therefor proof that they are brilliant) I also drawer life-likey portraits of famous people like that Scottish singer LULU. As loyal readers will know, I've already posted some of the many hundreds of portraits I have drawn over the years. Well here is a another one! Hope you like it.

Taking of pies reminds me of a funny story that once happened to me that was true to life as anything that could happen to me when I was younger, in my younger days.

A friend of mine (not her, the other one) once arranged to meet in outside the local fish shop. There I was, stood for what seemed like minutes outside the local Fish & Chip shop, when she walked around the corner. "Where have you been?" She said. I told her I was standing outside the local fish shop, as she had arranged. Turns out that she had been stood outside the local FISH shop, looking at the Guppies and selection of air pumps in the window! We had a good laugh about that all the way home (I can't remember why we were meeting outside any shop, but that's another hilarious story). I said to her, "If I ever become a world famous cartoonist, I can use that to make a really amusing story one day". She thought I was insane. I sued her for slander, and her marraige fell apart, but as they say - that's another story...

Dead convieniant.

As well as being a cartoonist, I also do 'fun' readings for the recently bereaved. Just send a cheque for £20, and a few back ground details and I'll send back a personal reading from a much missed dead relative*

If their death is also a funny story, I can also prepare a wonderful cartoon to treasure for years to come as a valuable momento of the dead relative (extra charge will apply)

* Please include as much detail as possible to make the reading look as authentic as possible for the recipient.

Paper for Drawing Cartoons on

Well, firstly I must say that I listened very carefully to Jules Cartoonist's expose of drawing paper. I was particularly intrigued at the mention 'Drug Store', but when I went to a so-called drug store and asked for a line of cocaine, the storekeeper told me to **** *** and then called the police. Since my house was already full of Her Majesty's Constabulary thanks to that, erm, Leonard Gubbins, I thought a fight might break out between the two factions and I am therefore staying with my Auntie for the weekend. In Doncaster.

But I digress. I've found this wonderful paper, which comes on a continuous roll which is great for those cartoon strips about boiled eggs when you want everyone to have a go, including some cartoonists if you're lucky. It's cheap! It's freely available! And you know what you can do with it if your cartoons don't turn out right!

Mothers Day 14th March 2010.

Some time ago I offered some merchandise for Mothers day. I'm sorry to report that this wasn't entirely the success I was hoping for. Well fine. I don't care if none of you love your mothers enough to get her a beautiful personalised gift. I bet you've been to Marks & Spencers or something and bought her some pot pouri. How original of you!

Which paper to use for drawing on with pencil?

Choosing Paper for Beginning Drawing

What to do if someone doesn't like your cartoons?

I am often asked how I deal with people who don't like my cartoons. Well this is a difficult question, because as any brilliant cartoonist like myself will tell you, just about everyone loves my cartoons. But in reality, and considering that my cartoons are available for the whole world to view and comment upon online, the world over and over (even people in West Yorkshire and Dunstable can see them!) there is bound to be a few people that don't like them.

My tactics for dealing with people that don't like my cartoons is to find out WHY, they don't like my cartoons, and the proceed to help them with their cartoon phobia problem. I like to psychologically assess the person I am dealing with. I think it's very important to understand why they are (criminally?) insane and as a good citizen attempt to help them like them.

Threatening them with legal action can be very effective. The cartoon liason officer at my local community outreach support network is excellent. Whenever I approach him to tell on someone who doesn't like my cartoons, he always assures me that "they are probably just jealous". I find this very comforting, but I do wish he'd buy one of my cartoons for his office wall. He assures me that his office wall is full of mugshots of Nigerian hookers (he's working on a top secret case, so can't tell me anymore) and therefor he cannot accept one of my wonderful caricatures of the Chief Constable.

Vegetarians & Vegans: Picture of the Day

Found this marvellous blog about fussy eaters (Vegetarians and Vegans). Even better, it also has cartoons!!!

Vegetarians & Vegans: Picture of the Day

Check it out today!

Help! My computer hates me!

I am often asked to help people with computer problems, as I am known as a bit of an expert in matters around computers and other things that use electricity.

Usually most problems can be solved by re-installing the operating system, but what most people don't realise is how much an operating system can cost. Especially if they require a new one to install every few months! An elderly neighbour came over to my house the other week to ask some advise on his laptop, which he was having trouble with. The problem he was having was that he was having a problem opening some attachments in Hotmail. I told him that he probably had some sort of virus, but I could help him by defragging his hard disk drive and then re-installing the operating system. He was very happy with this and left his computer with me for a few days.

Once I'd opened up his laptop (not easy on this particular model, and one of the screws had a mashed head) I set to work to repair his machine and reinstall the operating system.

After a few hours of fiddling about, his computer was now working like new. I was going to test it to see if he could now open these HOTMAIL attachements, but he'd forgotten to give me his password. Burt came round later that day to collect his machine, and seemed happy when I told him that it was all working again. He was looking forward to getting his machine back, as he had many digital photos on there of his deceased wife.

Being a pensioner, I agreed to let Burt pay me the £300 he owed me in installments. Many of you reading this might be thinking that all this sounds scary, but there's no need to worry about unforseen expenses like this. If Burt had come to me sooner with his problems, then I would probably been able to sort out his machine for around £20 (hourly rate).

So it's always important to use the expertise of a local computer expert to keep your machine running smoothly at all times. Computers are so complex these days, that many tasks are beyond most normal people.

I have a dream...

People of ask me how come I am so successful in everything I've ever done. Since being asked to leave school I have been successful at many varied jobs. So successful in some cases, that I've only needed to be there for a matter of hours. I tried to become an eminent psychologist one lunch break after reading a wonderful article in Take A Break magazine. The trouble with becoming a psychologist is that people always want to tell you their problems, and that's just not something that interests me.

So I gave that up and became a hairdresser instead. Trouble with hairdressing is that some people don't like your unique style on the top of their head! I thought to myself I have done all I can for the world of hairdressing, and resigned that very afternoon.

Now since I took up being a cartoonist, I think I have found the ideal career for myself. The main advantages is that it's very easy to do (if you're a creative genius, like myself), it can pay very very well (think - Charles Scwhepps!) and it leaves loads of free time for the cream of day time TV, or a trip to Argos.

Which Pencil?

I am often asked which type of pencil I use to draw my wonderful cartoons. Do I use a cheap HB pencil from the post office perhaps? Do I use some expensive pencils bought from a blind monk with a dodgy knee perhaps?


Of course not. Get away from me, you lunatic. Is often my reply. Why is it so hard to get somebody sectioned these days?


But I realise that for many aspiring cartoonist that read my website looking for brilliant advice on getting on in the easy game of drawing silly little pictures for large amounts of money the choice of pencil is very important. I personally don't use pencils for my artwork, as I think it's better to draw directly onto the paper (I read that in a book). Drawing with pencil is for spineless cowards, who quite frankly don't have the skill or balls to spend 5 hours on a complex drawing directly in ink. I'm a MAN, and I draw directly in INK! So what if sometimes my pictures don't turn out quite as I intended? Remember, it's NOT the outcome that's important. If you attempt to draw a dog, and it ends up looking more like a goat - it doesn't matter! That's what the experts call, a unique style. (it's also what I call it).


It's also worth remembering that your clients are paying £20 per hour, so to spend hours and hours re-drawing cartoons to make them look perfect is going to cost your client money, and in this difficult economic climate money is a rare thing. No. It's much better to be quick. Draw what you want to draw, and be done with it. If it's not looking right, at least it's going to be cheap - and that's very important these days.

Organising your cartoons

Have you ever noticed that if you draw your cartoons on bits of paper, like 'old fogeys' tend to, that they drift around the place and get lost? Well, for a very reasonable price, I've come up with a truly radical solution. It will really help you to 'get it together'! Introducing ...

The paper clip! Here are some paper clips I made earlier:


Each one of these is carefully hand-painted, and one little slip such as a sneeze, or a molotov cocktail flying through the window, can destroy several hours' work. Yet I can offer them to you at a discounted price; my hourly rate is £20.00, and it takes me 32.5 minutes to paint each one, but you can have two clips for the very reasonable rate of £40.00!!! I accept cheques, but please send them direct to me rather than that conniving ******* Leonard Gubbins, money-grubbing little wotsisname that he is.

Please note: This offer is time-limited (all orders must be received by midnight of the next full moon after the Spring Equinox) and is open to subscribers of 'Talent Free' only.

Terms and conditions apply.

Tutorial: How to cartoon a Prawn Dopiaza

Today I am going to show you how to create the perfect cartoon of one of the finest dishes of the subcontinent.

First choose a Curry House. Personally I recommend the Bilash in Wolverhampton but any good restaurant serving Indian cuisine will do.

The next step is key to your success. After being seated, place your order. This should consist of 6 bottles of Cobra or Kingfisher with a dozen poppadums and assorted chutneys to start and a Prawn Dopiaza to follow. However, you must insist your main course is not brought to the table until you have polished off your starter in its entirety.

When your Prawn Dopiaza arrives you should now bring out a pen or pencil and begin to draw the dish as realistically as possible on the plain paper serviette that will have been supplied to you.

(Some upmarket restaurants insist on giving you a cotton serviette, so it is always worth having a spare paper version of your own in your top pocket.)

Now sit back and admire. The theraputic qualities of the refreshing Cobra or Kingfisher will miraculously transform your artistic endeavour into a first rate cartoon.

Bon appetit!

Creating new areas of business for the cartoon market business.

I am often asked how I sell my cartoons to so many varied clients. Parish magazines, missing cat posters, local business directories etc. The reason that I sell so many wonderful cartoons to so many dull publications is that I approach them and suggest that they publish my cartoons. I start with an impartial appraisal of their publication (for free) which usually confirms what I believed all along, that their publication is rather dull and needs some cartoons to brighten it up.

I then offer them a cartoon I've already drawn for free. They usually take this up, even if it has nothing to do with the nature of the publication. It's amazing how many parish magazines will publish a caraciture of LuLu, if it's offered for free. They need to fill space in their magazines, just like big name, national publications do. Once I have them 'hooked' on my unique style of drawing (a few complimentary letters to the editor always help - thanks mum!) I then send them another cartoon for the next issue, but I forget to mention that this one isn't free. Once they have published it, I send them and invoice and threaten them with legal action if they don't pay the £20 they owe me!

Obviously this trick only works once, or maybe twice, if the publication is badly organised. That's an example of parish magazines. Missing pet posters is another lucrative market place for local cartoonists. Most people put up dull photocopies of their missing pets, which is not at all eye catching. I usually take down the poster and when I get home phone the phone number. Yes, they get excited thinking you've found their beloved pet - but when I suggest that their pet might never be found without an eye catching poster, they often ask for help in making the poster better. The budget for cartoon missing pet posters is usually quite small, but with some gentle persuaction they can usually be agreed to cut back on the 'reward' money to fund a wonderful pet cartoon portrait (I charge extra if there's a funny story behind the pet going missing). An added bonus is that if the pet is never found, they still have a wonderful memento of their pet to treasure for years to come!

There's just a few ideas for all you budding cartoonists out there. Next week: Elderly dead relative caricatures, good idea or bad?

Goodbat, Nightman

Goodbat, Nightman

by Roger McGough

 

God bless all policemen

and fighters of crime,

May thieves go to jail

for a very long time.

They’ve had a hard day


helping clean up the town,


Now they hang from the mantelpiece


upside down.


A glass of warm blood


and then straight up the stairs.


Batman and Robin


are saying their prayers.

They’ve locked all the doors

and they’ve put out the bat,


Put on their batjamas

(They like doing that)


They’ve filled their batwater-bottles


made their batbeds,


With two springy battresses


for sleepy batheads.


They’re closing red eyes

and they’re counting black sheep.


Batman and Robin


Are falling asleep.


Making money from Cartoons.

I am often asked how I came to be a professional cartoonist, and such a successful one at that. Well, it is all very simple. I realised a few weeks ago how easy it was to draw cartoons, and that I had a wonderful mind for the creative process. The first time I picked up one of my glitter pens (the gold one, if you must know) and started scribbling away, I knew this was the new career I'd been looking for, for so long.

I had many faulse starts to many different careers. When I left school I joined art college for 2 hours and then realised that this was not for me. They frowned upon the use of glitter pens, or something. I'm not sure, but they claimed I was crap, and tried to steer me towards a career in painting and decorating instead. Well I wasn't going to stand for that for one moment. So to their much regret, I left that college.

I had to find something creative to spend my time on. I tried creative accounting for a short while, but I quickly realised that this wasn't what I expected either. Besides my boss expected me to work very late nights. That wasn't for me. I was missing all my favourite soap operas anyway (a great source of inspiration for any creative person I feel).

Then one day I was flicking through a copy of Readers Digest Magazine in the dentists waiting room and saw how many cartoons they had in there. Truth be told I didn't find that many of them funny, but it got me thinking. If they publish cartoons that I don't find funny, perhaps they'll publish cartoons that I've drawn that other people don't find funny either. How difficult can it be to draw cartoons that just aren't funny? Being the sort of person never to get bogged down with the technical aspect of anything I do - I picked up my glitter pen and started scribbling away. Since that day I haven't looked back. Already I have been commissioned by Burt across the road to paint a smily face on his wheelie bin (to stop the filthy Morgans next door from nicking it) and I've also had many other enquiries for my brilliantly talent free cartoons.

I'm still waiting to hear back from The Readers Digest, but it's looking promising. Already I have had mail from them suggesting I might be receiving a cheque soon for £250,000. I'm not sure which cartoon that is for, but I'm quite excited.

So there you go. If you want to make money from your Glitter Pens, get cartooning. I hope this article has inspired some of you to give it a go.

How We Can Expand Our Services

You know, when I clicked the link to 'Cartoon and Illustration Services' on the right, I found myself in his wonderful 'Talent Free' Zone. What an eye-opener that was! What a range of services to aspiring business people - even an NHS manager couldn't do better!

I do feel, though, that we can help businesses gain a foothold in the market place by helping them to enhance the surrounding natural environment. To this end, I am going to be marketing potholes, with an exciting range of fillings.

If the road outside YOUR business hasn't got any, we have a deluxe range of potholes. Here's just one example from the exciting range we have to offer:


Fillings include custard, tuna mayonnaise and coronation chicken - but not all at once - LOL!!!

We also provide a service which helps you fill the puddles on the days it doesn't rain. Details on request.

All potholes are priced at £20.00; fillings range from 50p upwards, with a special discount for bulk purchases or if you've ordered your pothole from us.

Well, what are you waiting for?

I've had a great idea.

I have just had a brilliant idea. Now I'm sure that someone reading this will be in the airShow business. Well here's an idea of the type of cartoons that I could do to help your business sparkle like a big shiny diamond.

Spit Fire

I am often asked which what is my favourite World War 2 airoplane. Well it just so happens to be the wonderful Spit fire. Here's a wonderful photo I took of two Spit fires that recently flew past the air show I was just happening to be attending. When I took this photo I wasn't too concerned about the technical aspects of taking the photo. The limitations of my camera wouldn't allow me to take a up close and personal photo of the pilots, but I knew that I would be able to make an excellent photo using my skills within thus said Photoshop. I saw many so called experts at the air show with massive cameras, but I'm reliably informed that some of them didn't get very good shots either! (that will teach them to snub the Argos value range of digital cameras!)

As you can tell, Photography is just another one of my many skills. If you are the pilot in this photo, and would like a framed copy of this photo, please get in touch. I'm sorry, but due to new laws about to come in over digital rights, I am unable to sell a copy of the photo to anyone other than the pilot, or his family.