Talent Free

Cheap cartoon redesign services

2012-01-23T16:30:00.002Z

I have a new and original idea for all small to medium (but not large) businesses out there that would like to make use of cartoon illustrations out there for their publications, advertising materials or leaflets.

As Nick Clegg DPM recently said, people must follow the business model of this most finest British business model. John Lewid's famous motto is "never knowing undersold", which got me to thinking about it somewhat.
Many businesses cannot afford to use the services of professional illustrators for their business, even though they would be able to stop sacking people and increase their business models tenfold. The solution I have come up with (all on my own without any assistance from the DPM) is this thus:

Customer approaches cartoonist/illustrator to use image in something. Cartoonist/Illustrator demands a high fee for their work (something like £1,000 for one image).

Customer then approaches Leonard Gubbins' design kit studio. We take that very same illustration and re-draw it exactly, therefor avoiding any copyright issues and charge a much more reasonable £19.90 + 10p admin fee.

Guess the celebrity characterature

2012-01-09T16:09:00.000Z

Can you guess who this celebrity is?

I have decided to start the new year of 2012 with a fun contest for all my readers. How the contest works is thus: I draw a cartoon caricature of a well known TV or Movie celebrity, and then people leave comments stating what they think it is.

As you can see from this first (of many I hope) contest entry I have now become an accomplished cartoon caricature artist, making instantly recognizable caricatures of celebrity faces. I can also provide YOU with an unique gift for a loved one, or someone who is retiring (and you'll no doubt never see again before they die).

Contact me if you'd like a celebrity portrait caricature. Prices start from just £20 + VAT and fees.

Happy Christmas!

2011-12-27T18:24:00.001Z

This is a little late, but I'd like to wish all my customers (and those freeloaders who just visit my site to steal ideas) a very merry and sincere Christmas Wishes both from and to me.

Here is an extra special cartoon funny for you all to share for your families over this very special time of year. (available as tea towel design Q2 of 2012)

Hilarious Cartoon about Santa Clause and a Robot Dog that is attacking him with a Mince Pie. ©LG 2011

(more) Legal issues.

2011-12-27T18:07:00.001Z

I am sorry, But I have had to remove some more posts, due to legal issues, which I cannot go into online on a blog that's viewed by so many people.

It seems that jealousy isn't just confined to the local residents association. It's a world wide phenomena.

I've laid an egg!

2011-11-03T17:45:00.003Z

Thinking about the cartoon SHARP I posted yesterday, I have been thinking about how I could create my own unique approach to cartooning that would be unique to me, and not give The Creative Genius credit for work that I have done, using his idea.

This got me thinking. What if instead of drawing a cartoon in a unique shape, such as a triangle, I drew a cartoon in an egg shape instead and called it an egg?

I could lay an egg, each and every day!

Old style cartoonists are "squares"!

2011-11-03T17:15:00.002Z

I have recently discoverd a new approach to the art of cartooning, inspired by the legendary Danny Burleigh "thecreativegenius". Instead of drawing cartoons in a boring old rectangle, like cartoonists have done for as long as they were drawing on the walls of The Daily Cave, he draws his hilarious and unique cartoons in a triangle, and calls them "sharps". To add to the creativity, he also includes a photo of himself at the side of each and every "sharp". In this post newspaper apoplectic world, I think the idea is really interesting.

The Creative Genius is indeed, very much so a genius for creating a new branch of cartooning artwork. I have attempted to recreate this style, and I don't mind telling you, it's not as easy as it looks! My triangle went a little wrong. Something I hope to improve on the more I do it. Who knows? Perhaps one day, all cartoons will be like this? I can see those so called, "expert" cartoonists resisting this new way of working (probably because it's technically difficult, and they are stuck in their ways) but I think this is the start of something big.

Expect more Dairy Lea cartoons to start popping up everywhere from today on wards.

Danny - you're a bloody genius!

Shocking ignorance of other cartoonist.

2011-10-11T20:00:00.001+01:00

This is my entry into the 113 (perhaps I should have known, such an unlucky number) and it scored precisely NOTHING! Now I understand that other cartoonist find my art work intimidating, and that some of them like to stick to the rules of the contest, but I entered this in enough time for at least one or two of them to vote for me. It was not my fault that my next door neighbour had an issue with their garden appliance, that as a good citizen, I felt obliged to assist with, therefore missing the "technical" closing time for entries.

I even offered an explanation of the cartoon, for those less intelligence than myself, as it was a caption less contest.

I realize that some of the readers of this very website are not gifted in the brains department either, so here is the explanation of the cartoon, so you can find it as hilarious as I do.

This is a Robot that has scared the poor child. Hair is sticking up on end to emphasize that the child finds the Robot scary.

Well, let me tell you. That could be the last time I assist a neighbour with their garden appliances, OR the last time I enter the cartoon contest. I haven't decided yet. I'm still seething at the lack of respect shown to me!

Top TEN things to do if you find out your next door neighbours are getting divorced.

2011-09-06T15:18:00.002+01:00

Cartoon about divorcing neighbors. Available for sale
through this website. Unique sou -veneer

Divorce is a popular statistic these days. Many people are doing it for all sorts of reasons. Some people are doing it because they are doing it.

What many people don't realise when they get divorced, is the effect that this will have on the people around them. Neighbours for instance. Quite often neighbours won't realise that their neightbours are getting a divorce until it's already happened and this can make things very awkward. Imagine popping over to borrow the lawn mower, only to find out that the lawn mower AND the lawn have been taken by the partner that is no more!

Here's a list of things that neighbours can do to avoid uncomfortable situations.

1. Talk to your neighbours at least once per week.
2. Take notes, if you overhear any arguments taking place. This could be valuable evidence, if things become real flaky pastry!
3. Look out of your windows several times per day and make mental note of any visitors to the neighbours house. Plumber visiting 3 times per week for the last 4 months? Probably having an affair which could end in divorce.
4. Listen for typical 70's porn music coming from the house when the plumber is there. It could be very loud, drowning out any dialog!
5. If you lend your neighbour anything, ensure that you get it back withing a week or so. This reduces the chances that it'll get lost in the division of assets. It's your hedge trimmer, she has no right to give it to her new boyfriend.
6. If you think your neighbours are about to get divorced, then decide which neighbour you are going to side with. Probably best to pick the one that is most likely to remain in the house.
7. Do not under any circumstances offer to take a hit on the cheating partner. It is murder and you will go to prison (where many of your neighbours are likely to be divorced!)
8. If one partners belongings get thrown into the street, offer to browse through them and make an offer for any items you'd like (check electrical items are working first!). The thrown out partner will be grateful for the extra money that they'll need to spend on a B&B accommodation.
9. Don't take either neighbour in as a lodger, unless you need the £4,390 pa rent that you can charge tax free.
10. Good luck. Chances are that both your newly divorced neighbours will have to leave the marital home sooner or later. You will now get new neighbours. They may be friendly, or they may be common scum with a rabid dog and asbo kids. Whatever you do, try not to worry.

Riots UK 2011 - The rejection Section.

2011-08-23T19:36:00.000+01:00

Terryble crimes have taken place recently, which have been ignored now because of the situation in Libya. Understandablely.

Many of my cartoonist friends seem to have been very busy getting topical cartoons rejected by publications, so I thought I'd join in. Everyone else is doing it, so I'm going to as well.

Here's my hilarious cartoon on the riots:

I also thought it would be very nice of me to offer this as a t-shirt that people could wear to show their support for the riots and their victims.

Blogging Advice.

2011-08-23T18:30:00.000+01:00

I often get asked in PM and private emails that none of you have seen, but I do, about advice on how to become a blogger like me, which is nice. Firstly, it's of the upmost importance to ensure that you have a computer. Blogging without a computer is quite impossible. I'll assume that as you are reading this on my blog, you perhaps do have a computer.

What processor you'll need to write a blog depends on many factors, but you'll probably be OK with any CPU (computer programmining unit) manufactorered within the last 5 - 10 years. A keyboard would be very useful also. Basically, any computer connected to the internet will enable you to write a basic blog.

Once you have a blog next, you'll need some readers to read your blog. Where you might find these might vary from person to person. Perhaps you live on your own, and all your family have emigrated to another country, and you can't afford the phone call to instruct them all to follow your blog. A good way to get readers for your blog is to steal them from other blogs, by constantly posting comments on other people's blogs and ensuring that a link to your own blog is included. Most proffessional bloggers are OK with this, as that's how they got so many readers for their blog.

A WARNING!. When you have a blog, on occassion you'll get bitter and twisted people who will want to upset you and tell you that you got something wrong. Perhaps cats don't get their main source of calcium from eating garden snails, but you must never respond to such vile people. Never admit you've got something wrong. Once you do, all you'll get is other people pointing out your errors! Remember, spelling mistakes are your own unuiqe style.

Well, that ends this short article on advice on how to make a successful blog. I've included some pictures (actually, a selection of my own hand drawn cartoons, available from just £20 as that's something else you should always do on a blog post - include some pictures!)

How to be a successful cartoonist part 4.

2011-08-15T20:43:00.002+01:00

I have been drawing cartoons for pleasure and also for business purposes for over 18 months now, and it has been an extraordinary experience learning all about the talent required and how to market my unique creations with the online community. I have drawn tea towels and also roadworks and everything in between.

Most people I speak to about my unique creations assume that some artistic skill is required in producing the type of cartoons that people want to buy and give away to friends and family as unique gifts and suchlike. I've managed to keep families together with my off-beat humorous creations. Stave off divorce (sadly not my own, but that's another story), and have also helped online companies increase their sales targets, therefore I have also saved the small business economy and several jobs in the print on demand tea towel industry!

PANTS.

I have also helped companies to develop a new range of underwear, based my my humorous designs and unique take on art and design. Quite frankly, I'm brilliant. And I'd like to share my unique techniques with my dear readership on this very blog.

FAQ.

How do I get ideas for drawing cartoons? I can draw people wearing trousers quite well, but I can't draw a halibut to save my life.
This is one of the most frequent, frequently asked question I get asked, as a question, and I'd like to answer it like this: Where to get ideas from? Put simply everywhere! All good cartoonists always carry a notebook with them. Whenever you get an idea you must write it down immediately, and make sure your notebook is always fully charged. All good cartoonist, therefore never stray too far from a friendly electrical socket!
Here's a list of subjects that might give you an idea or two (remember if you sell a cartoon from one of your ideas that you get from this blog, I would like a credit within the cartoon!)
Cowboys, Indians, cuttlefish, old women weeing themselves in a small post office branch, cavemen doing something like we might do, but in caveman type way (think, Flintstones!), car mechanics ripping off customers, dental nurses loosing patient records, Magazine subscription that never arrives, vomiting cats, shoppers realizing they've left that important voucher at home!, someone listening to the radio, with a poorly budgie!

Well I hope that's given you some starting points and gives you an idea of how to be a successful cartoonist. If you become I successful cartoonist because of these articles, I would love to hear from you. Please write to: leonard.gubbins@gmail.com Many thanks.

How do I sleep in a chair?

2011-08-03T17:47:00.005+01:00

I have often been asked advice on such matters as such like and thus, but this week I am going to answer a query from a local person who I have been interacting with therefor whom within the environment of the street local to my own adobe.

This person, whom wished to remain anonymous, question was:

"sometimes I'm just too tired to go to bed at night, and have been thinking about sleeping in my arm chair. How would I go about doing this?"

That's a very interesting question that I would have very much enjoyed answering for my local fellow inhabitant of my local area, but I was in a hurry to rush home and sit down and write a blog post about arm chairs instead.

Firstly we need to know what an arm chair is.

This is not a chair. It is a stool, and consequently it is most unsuitable for sleeping in.

This is a chair, but it is only suitable for seating in, not sleeping in (or on depending on your political personification.

This is much more like thus the item of furniture that we was discussing just outside the happy shopper.

Instructions for use:

Sit in the chair
Read a book, or watch a television. (it doesn't matter what kind, Sony, Phillips, Samsung even)
Wait until you are tired.
DO NOT GO TO BED AT THIS POINT!
When you feel yourself drifting off to sleep let yourself go.
Now get a cloth from the kitchen and clean the chair.
Once chair is dry again, re-enter it and repeat process 1 - 4
Wake up next morning any make appointment with a chiropractor.

Novelty Woman Inspirational Artwork Sketch.

2011-07-28T20:56:00.001+01:00

I have been very busy this week, but I still managed to draw some wonderful artwork for your delight, and friendly to your wallet, while also solving your gift problems for months to come.

Fistly, I did this sketch:

I then decided that I could use my new found skills in Photoshop to create something magical with Photoshop. T-Shirts and Tea Towels.

You too could look like the cool guy at a summer BBQ, or even in B&Q!

Or you could buy your auntie Ethel a lovely set of Tea Towels that she could use to dry the cats bowls with, or just to impress the vicar when he pops round for a crunch cream and a gossip!

Unique fantasy artwork of your children.

2011-07-22T20:16:00.000+01:00

Delightful Fantasy Art Photo. Both these children have hay-fever and asthma!

I have decided to offer this unique service to all the loyal readers of this website. Yes you too could have your loved ones immortalized in special fantasy artwork! All you need to do is send me a photo you'd like me to skillfully convert into something totally unique and unusual. Save a fortune on travelling to Japan. I will take your photo and convert it into a unique fantasy photo art-work that you will love. This would look great on a shopping bag, or oven glove, or even a tea towel.

If you'd like me to turn your photos into something truly unique using my skills then once I have your photo I will set to work (depending on day time TV schedule) and get the image back to you within 7 days. Then you can send the image to an online printer who will print the image on a poster, tea mug - whatever you want!!! You might even want to ask the online printer to make this a canvas print, so it looks like an original oil painting (extra charge from me of £8.95 if you choose this option).

Prices on special offer of only from: £19.99 for one person in the photo, too £49.99 for two or more people in the photo.

So don't delay. I need the money!

Leonard.gubbins@googlemail.com

Combining Jobs with my love of art.

2011-07-19T13:13:00.000+01:00

I have recently started working for a home care agency as a bum wiper and cook. It's a great job really. The wages aren't too bad, but of course this isn't my real ambition in live. What I really want to be is a artist (with lots of money of course). I find drawing really easy, as you will see from the example below.

I love the dignity in this close up of her face. A face that must have seen so much over it's 80 odd years!

Ethel is a sweet old lady that I see every Thursday morning. She lives on here own, but despite this has taken a keen interest in my artwork. She thinks my artwork is lovely, and what better judge for the skill of my artistic ability than an old woman, who's had both cataracts done, and remembers how many children she had.

Unfortunately, I don't get much time with Ethel, as my visits are limited to just 15 minutes, so I could only do a very quick sketch - but she loves it and has shown it to her daughter! Here's the full sketch below:

Hope you like it. If you'd like a sketch doing of an old relative then please get in touch. Prices start from just £20. If it's a rush job (i.e. Granny might not last much longer) then the price will have to reflect this!

How much is too much?

2011-06-24T19:43:00.000+01:00

I have often been asked how do I get into a line of business such as yours? I don't know what your line of business is, so I can't really answer that, but I assume they might mean (these people that I dream about) that what you mean is: How do you get into cartoons?

Cartoonists can charge anything they want to charge a customer. It's not like fridges. There is no Government price controls. Some charge £10 per cartoon (but they aren't very good if they are charging that much). and some charge £20 (these are usually better cartoonists). and sometimes as much as £2,000! It all depends how you want to use the cartoon. For instance, in my instance I would charge someone more money if they wanted to hang my cartoon in their through lounge, and I would charge less money if they just wanted to hang it in their downstairs lav. If they wanted a bespoke service, such as a limited run of tea-towels printing with a cartoon design of their favorite tortoise, or a much loved child for instance thus far and such like.

Hilarious Child/Tortoise Cartoon by Leonard Gubbins Design Studio Limited.

Life isn't easy being a cartoonist.

2011-06-17T09:00:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I wonder how this works. I draw cartoons, and people buy them if they like them. Quite often people don't like them. This makes me sad. As sad as someone with a freshly seeded lawn that's just held a donkey derby.

How can I make people like my cartoons more? I can't change how I draw them, as this is how I draw them in my own unique style. It's an expression of who I am, and I can't go against that without becoming someone else. Some people call my art naive and immature, to which I disagree and shout at them for being so horrible. I won't deal with people like these.

Why oh why can't people just like my cartoons as much as I do? I think they are brilliant, and I used to watch Only Fools & Horses, well before it became popular with the rest of the country. Even google thinks my cartoons are brilliant. For instance, if you type into Google, "brilliant cartoons by Leonard Gubbins", this site will be the first result. Conclusive proof if anyone needed it.

Here's a picture of an old woman at the shops:

Hear's more unoriginal crap.

2011-06-15T12:05:00.000+01:00

I'm stunned. Just this very morning (incidentally the three year anniversary of the death of my mothers next door neighbor of all days!) I discover that someone has been copying my hard work of hilarious cartoons and illustrations (at reasonable prices).

I cannot understand why anyone would want to copy my highly original artwork, done using unique methods, that no one else should be using. Here' is the offending cartoon:

and here is the cheap copy:

As you can see the similarities are just staggering. Why would someone want to do this to me? I depend on drawings such as the above one thus. I'm sorry to say this, but if I ever find out who is pirating my hilarious cartoons (at reasonable prices) I shall have no option to sue them.

Success has made a failure of my blog (home)

2011-05-27T10:52:00.000+01:00

As some of you will have realised by now, I have not been able to post on this wonderful platform of Talent Free-handeness that is thus the Blog Called Talent Free. There are 3 reasons for this.

1. I have been very busy with an unfortunate incident with the Works and Benefits office that have libelled me in the most vicious manner, by claiming that I was claiming something that I shouldn't have been claiming, but of course this was something that they should have not claimed. I could have sued them for this terrible slander, but it turned out the that man standing behind me in the queue was in fact deaf and didn't even here the slandering claims made by the benefits officer. Their claim is still outstanding.

2. I have been incredibly busy with my home based online multi-level designs promotional business. I have sold an incredible 3 designs to some companies run by people who wouldn't know a decent designer if they cut their price to a mere £20 per design with multiple FREE redesigns. Sadly, while they are delighted with my design work I have thus done for them, and they would recommend my services to anyone with a business, there is no examples of my work on their websites, as they just wanted the illustrations for concepts.

3. My popular designs for a badge for children to wear, warning people that they was ginger resulted in yet another unfortunate incident with the legal team of the local community cohesion team. It's a sad state of affairs how vexatious this country has now become, when I designer such as thus myself cannot produce something for fun, in case of upsetting people with ginger hair! I cannot comment further on this, as the matter is now in the hands of my lawyer.

A Sad Picture.

2011-03-29T18:20:00.000+01:00

This week I have decided against publishing one of my hilarious cartoons that you all love (to have on tea towels etc). and I have decided to post some serious artwork instead. This is a portrait of my wife I did when I got my new bamboo graphics tablet, and shortly before she left me! That was lucky, as I doubt she'd sit for a portrait now.

So even serious art can be poignant and sad. Not always about having a laugh. My psychiatrist has told me that these feelings will pass soon, as long as I continue with the medication and stop drinking Stella. Truth be told, I haven't been to the local social club for over three weeks now, and that's nothing to do with the graffiti in the gents (wasn't me!).

So if you'd like a lovely portrait of your wife, get in touch quick - before she leaves you and you loose the chance to have a lovely portrait of your wife. Fees start from just £20 plus postage fee*

*This design is not available on a tea towel, due to legal advice.

Washing up liquid - a taste test.

2011-03-16T18:48:00.000Z

Much has been said during history about the different flavours of washing up liquid. I'm here today to dispel some of the mystery surrounding the different flavours, and you help you, the listener to decide which one is the best for your own domestic situation.

Recently I had the great pleasure of sampling many different flavours of washing up liquid. This is NOT about dishwasher tables. You'll have to go elsewhere for something like that sort of thing!

I started my research with a bottle of Fairy, lemon flavour. After washing up a cup, I let it air dry for approximately 4 hours, before I made a cup of tea in it.

Tasting the tea, it tasted like tea.

Next I washed the same cup with Co-Op Mint flavour washing up liquid (with anti-bacterial agents). I deciding that leaving the cup each and every time for 4 hours to air dry would take far too long, so I used a Matalan Blue Check Tea towel this time to dry to cup and wait for the kettle to boil. (Rusell Hobs).

Tasting the tea, it tasted like tea. I was expecting it to taste like mint tea, but it did not taste like mint tea at all in the slightest.

I was about to test the Tesco Lavender flavour washing up liquid, when my wife/girlfriend came home from her job as an admin assistant for the local abattoir. She insisted on knowing why I had opened two new bottles of washing liquid, and was I going through that stage where I was mixing random household products again, and on, and on. and why hadn't I peeled the potatoes for the spag bol she had planned! (we don't like pasta in this house).

I decided it might be better to finish this experiment at a later day or date.

Prostitutes aren't all that bad.

2011-03-15T19:14:00.000Z

Tarts. Strumpets. Whores. There's many different words for women who are short of a bob or two. But should we be worried when they decide to stand around our favourite parking space looking for a customer, or two? I have never had a prostitute on my cul-de-sac, although there was once a woman who lived at number 57 who I think might have been having trouble making her mind up, which laborer was doing the best job on her lagging, if you know what I mean.

Here's a really hilarious cartoon that explores this important social issue in this day and age and what have you. For all you women out there, it's soon to be available as an oven glove design. Prices from the bargain price of just £20, plus £17.65 p&p and a £6.99 admin fee.

Fiesta Magazine...

2011-03-12T09:00:00.000Z

I have always been interested in reading about cars such as the Ford Fiesta (MkI version only). and thought it would be a great idea to learn how to draw a Ford Fiesta and then perhaps I could start a new career with illustration for something like Auto Car magazine. Many people draw cars that look like this:

Which of course is no good at all. The suspension on such a car would never clear a speed hump, or even a sleeping policeman. And there's no rear lights. It's very important when drawing cars that they do look like they would at the very least pass a back street MOT.

I am not aware of any artists currently working for the Motoring press who draw such sub-standard drawings of Ford Fiestas or Nissan Micras, but if I ever hear of such an artist, I will be writing a very strongly worded letter to the editor of (whichever publication it is!) and tell them that I will take over their job (probably for much less money as well).

The Reynold Girls - I'd Rather Jack

2011-03-11T13:05:00.000Z

I won't do it, I just won't do it.

2011-03-11T12:31:00.000Z

Sad news about this blog. After 1 year of building up a brilliant relationship with online multi-disciplinary business associates and many of you, my loving pubic, I have decided to continue with this blog for yet another year. Yes, it hasn't been as successful as I'd hope. None of the major media outlets stumbled upon it (despite me adding it to Stumble Upon with a brilliant review and everything!) and I've not become incredibly wealthy like Donald Disney or any of the other well know cartoonists and SEO experts out there.

Disappointment, yes. But I'm the sort of person that is not put off by death threats and legal action. In fact, that sort of thing drives me on to succeed even more. Tell me it's rubbish, and I'll just keep on coming with it over and over again. The more people tell me I can't draw, the more I will draw. Come to think of it, if people told me I was a brilliant drawer, then I would also continue to draw. There's no stopping me really. You're opinion counts for nothing!

Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

New Celebrity Portraits for 2011

2011-02-22T09:00:00.001Z

As you may know, I am a big fan of LuLu, and it's not just my love of healthy yogurt that makes me say that. He's the latest sketch I did of the pint sized, Scottish, pop star and advertiser of expensive margarine. It's obvious to anyone looking at this artisitic and unique sketch who it is they are looking at right away. If you have a favourite celebrity that you would like a professional sketch of, why not commission me to draw you one? Prices start from just £20.

Conoleell Gadaffy Duck.

2011-02-21T17:49:00.000Z

New's just in: Colonel Gadaffi has run away from Libya after terrible protests on the streets. I thought it would be great fun to make an hilarious cartoon of this historic event, and so here it is.

Cartoon is entitled "Gaddaffy Duck", as in quick Gadaffi, duck there's lots of bullets flying, and most of them are being fired by your murderous regime!

Hilarious Valentine's day joke for those in love with a street cleaner/hygiene operative.

2011-02-14T13:27:00.000Z

Happy Valentines Day to all my readers. Here's a cartoon that I did recently (for today) for a friend of mine who is in love with a street sweeper. The friend didn't want me to sign the card, just in case in caused confusion as to who it was from, so I didn't, but I did sign it on here so people could see that it's another original Leonard Cartoon and that it's copyrighted by me, Leonard Gubbins. I drew this in a Viz style as my friend thinks that he's the sort that might read the Viz Comic. I'll let you know if she gets anywhere, or indeed, if she is indeed sweeped off her feet (as she hopes). It would be nice if her daughter Kylie had a little sister, I think.

Hilarious Used car salesman Cartoon.

2011-02-09T12:26:00.000Z

I have been very busy drawing cartoons in a viz style which I hope that private eye will accept for publication (as it's printed on the same sort of paper, I think it would look good in private eye, and it's in tune with their sort of off-beat humour that they like).

I'm sorry, but I may have to remove this cartoon at the end of the week, if Paul Merton (publisher of private eye) decides to take the cartoon. It would be wonderful if they did, although I'm not sure how much they pay for a cartoon in private eye. This one took me extra time as it's in full colour, so I think they should pay more for it. Why don't they publish how much they pay for cartoons? They'd get a lot more people sending them cartoons if they did. I think it could be as much as £50 per cartoon - but I will negoitate hard when they email back to tell me they want this, as it's in full colour.

The parish newsletter market has strunk somewhat since I last wrote about it. The editor of the local one, St Mary's Parish News, has told me that they have had problems with their usual printer, and that my cartoons are not required at the moment, as the Vicars wife has created some wonderful word searches which means theirs not enough room in the current issues for cartoons! Of course I think they are being very foolish, and the circulation of the parish news will decline, especially amongst the illiterate of this parish!

How many Websites are enough?

2011-02-07T18:38:00.000Z

I have often being asked about my multiple disciplinary approach to conducting business relations on the internet, or even the world wide web. Since starting my multi-platform, proof reading, article writing, e-commerce guruing and cartooning business on the internet, I have become know amongst those that I allow into my inner circle of internet associates (facebook friends mostly), as something of an expert in all of the above disciplines on an ad hoc learn as I go along, basis. One of my regulars on Facebook asked me a question recently, as it could have been just last week, depending on when you are reading this (extensive archive of this said, thus material and articles available online, via Google and other such search engines). The question was, "how many website should I have to appear as professional as possible to potential clients, both future and next week?".

I knew the answer to this question immediately, as it's obvious to anyone who is an experienced expert in the field of search engine optimization and conducting business of an online nature on the web (or WWW). The answer to the question is, as many as possible!

People I know are always impressed when I tell them how many websites I own. It's like lock up garages, but in a virtual way. Caution has to be taken here, with so many websites, it's always important to ensure that you have all your website listed in the signature of any emails you send, as this is good effective and FREE marketing for yourself, which you can include (even to emails to your elderly aunt, as long as she has the internet of course!).

www.talentfreecartoons.blogspot.com
www.spiritual-proof-reading.yahoo.co.uk
www.free-website-for-hamster-owners.blogspot.com
http://leonards.dieting.tips.co.za
www.leonoras.box11129.com
www.photosofknickerdrawer.com

Comic Sans Criminal?

2011-02-02T09:00:00.000Z

Hear's a link to a link about a thing that is now being called the comic sans criminal. Apparently if your not a cartoonist you're not supposed to use comic sans as it's designed for comics, not under takers toilet notices, or something like that.

Personally I don't see what all the fuss is about. I wish Blogger would allow comic sans. I think it would enhance this blog considerably, which means: would make this blog better!

Community Relations.

2011-02-01T09:00:00.001Z

Another popular cartoon from my archives. This one nearly appeared in a school newsletter about community relations between the authorities and young people, but the head of year thought it might corse offence. Oh well. Educations loss, is you're gain (as a reader of this blog!).

I don't hold back when I'm using my cartoons to make cutting comentary on current issues in today's multicultural society. Today a maverick, tommorrow an inspired genius that new what was going on all the time? Perhaps!

2011-01-31T18:53:00.001Z

This is a cartoon of a fried egg being thrown in a road working hole. Other hilarious cartoons are available for hire or rent, for your newsletter or business presentation. Perhaps you have a company that builds roadworks and you'd like this to liven up your presentation about road works? Or maybe you have a fried egg shop? Give me a call on: leonard.gubbins@googlemail.com

Thatcher or Black?

2011-01-28T18:47:00.000Z

I have been making more fun cartoons with built in hilarity of celebrities. This week I have mostly been drawing well known and instantly recognisable celebrities from the United Kingdom. I started to draw this with the intention of capturing the likeness of that wonder lady of the stage, Cilla Black, but after I finnished drawing it, I realise it might look a bit more like Margaret Thatcher, who used to be the Prime Minister of this very country. OR at least Janet Brown impressioning her in the 1980's quite badly, with a poor make up budget.

Eating Toilet.

2011-01-26T17:27:00.000Z

Last weekend I was at a dinner party when one of the guest mistakenly attempted to eat the off kitchen toilet instead of the prawn starter. I thought it would make a great cartoon, so I drew a cartoon as soon as I got home, and here it is. I don't really know if the person in the cartoon has a sense of humour, and I think they had been drinking a lot before they arrived. It created some hilarity at the party, that's for sure! This hilarious cartoon is available for sale, on mugs or teatowels etc thus. I have drawn the poo on the toilet floor in a Viz style (issue 134, page 8)

Chaos in the kitchen.

2011-01-12T15:21:00.000Z

Those of you who have a kitchen in their house will be familiar with the problem of how to store a selection of fruit squashes, even if you don't enjoy a refreshing glass of fruit squash yourself, you may want to have some available if you have visitors and suchlike. Not everyone likes to drink tea or coffee (those are easy to organise into tea caddies and coffee jars anyway, so don't require an article here anyway).

The solution that I have developed after many years of fruit squash "oh I think I have some somewhere" situation, is to have the various bottles on display in my kitchen on the kitchen side. To avoid the chaos of not knowing which fruit squash is which, I have attached labels to the wall behind them. For instance, 1. is Londis Orange squash 2. is Lime Cordial 3. is Apple & Blackcurrent and 4. is orange squash from a posh supermarket without E numbers (unopened).

New Year. New Cartoons.

2011-01-09T21:35:00.000Z

Well I do hope you all had a very nice Christmas (Xmas). I know that I did. Lovely time with the family, but sadly for the world of cartoons not much time to draw in-between peeling sprouts and being a busy mother of two. This led me to think about the meaning of Christmas more and more this year. What's it all for? Well apart from the wonderful gifts I received, including a lovely bumper pack of Gel pens from WHSMITHS from my partner. They are still in the wrapper with the giant Toblarone (Chocolate) bar, but I intend to put them to good use very soon.

Unsurprisingly the commissions for cartoons dried up somewhat over the Christmas season of Wintevil. At first I feared this might have something to do with the recession we keep reading so much about in the Daily Mail and other such places suchlike. But it seems those in the market for a cartoon, were also enjoying the Christmas (Xmas) holiday season too as well.

Here's a cartoon of my eldest opening his favourite Christmas (Xmas) present, which is what Christmas (Xmas) is all about really:

I'm still writing articles for the parish news.

2010-12-23T14:17:00.000Z

I have often being asked why I am so successful with the local parish newsletter, writing very popular articles for it, which increases sales within the local parish. I first approached the editor of the parish magazine back in 2006, when I met him at my nieces christening. I told him that I was a very successful writer (I wasn't (not at that stage anyway)), and he invited me to submit something to him by post, or (surprisingly) via email.

I wrote a lovely piece about the story of badgers in the local woods at Christmas time, and what sort of things they might buy each other from the local corner shop from Mr Squirrel, the local shop keeper. The tale of Consumerism at Christmas Time In Badger Wood became an instant hit with the readership, and Jim assured me that he thought it was my article which created a surge in circulation that year, selling an estimated extra 15 copies that Christmas!

This was before I became a cartoonist, so sadly there's no cartoons to go with this, but I thought it might be fun to revisit Badger Wood. Sadly, I can't draw badgers very well, so I decided to change the story to Worm Wood. It'll never been seen in the parish magazine, but here's it is for your pleasure.

Enjoy......

William is going to Marry Katie

2010-12-06T13:27:00.000Z

As reported in the recent press, Prince William the second is going to marry his girlfriend Katie Middletown. I think that's a lovely story. I know that the news is quite old now, and I would have drawn a lovely tribute cartoon much sooner, but I have been very busy lately with getting my iPod connected to my car stereo and sorting out a incident with a missing wheelie bin. But enough of my troubles (Roger Whittaker isn't that important). I would like to think that someone in the Royal Family will see this lovely cartoon for the tribute it indeed no doubt is, and who knows, it might even be spray painted onto the cake! That would make a lovely surprise for the Middletowns, and I've sure make a lovely day of celebration, even more lovely than it already is.

Has anyone seen what the Frankling Mint will be producing for this lovely occassion? I will be buying all the red top sunday papers to see what lovely offers are on to celebrate this lovely occassion of the celebreation of the lovely marage of the lovely day.

When is it going to be?

Choosing toys for Christmas.

2010-12-05T18:21:00.001Z

This time of year many people with Children, or those that know people with Children, such as Grandparents are thinking of buying toys for children, but where to start? There's so many toys available these days for children that it can be difficult to choose something that's appropriate. If you go to a large toy department shop there are millions of toys to choose from. Where to start?

A good way to choose toys for children to give them at this time of year for Christmas is to watch what your child already plays with, and just as importantly what they don't play with. If little Jimmy never touches that 500 piece jigsaw of Whitley Bay, then it's probably not a good idea to buy little Jimmy another 500 piece jigsaw of Whitley Bay. He won't appreciate it at all! But what if he enjoys playing with his Power Rangers figures or his older brothers Roller Skates? Then, a good starting point would be some Power Rangers on roller skates perhaps?

Whatever you do, ensure that the toy gift you buy the child (or children) this year is suitable for their age. A petrol Chainsaw is not a suitable gift for an 8 year old under any circumstances, even if they do have ambitions to be a lumberjack later in life!

A great way to crate cartoons from photographs tutorial.

2010-12-01T17:44:00.000Z

Here's a great tip to turn any photograph into a convincing and hilarious cartoon. Take a photo like this one of a boy holding a fish. Just an ordinary photo right? Wrong! It's also a cartoon!

Open the photo in photoshop or other such like photo manipulation program such as Windows Paint program.

Then you aplly one of the filters to it such as I thus did here (the fresco filter) - and hay presto you have a wonderful cartoon like image which is probably better than something a cartoonist could draw anyway.

I want to tattoo your arm!

2010-11-27T22:42:00.000Z

I've had this great idea that I've seen on some other websites. Having drawn lots of really popular cartoons, that people just simply adore, someone that is a very good online friend has suggested that she'd quite like to see my cartoon policeman tattooed onto her arm or buttock. Now I'm not really used to tattooing people's skin. I'm more familiar with tattooing pieces of paper with a gel pen, but being the professional that I have decided to be, I have agreed to do this on her kitchen table next week!

Of course in line with my current fees having to be increased because of the imminent VAT increase, I now find myself having to charge £30 per cartoon, but the good news for my very good online friend is that the image on her arm will belong to her exclusively (so if she wants to have someone take a photo of her, with her arm attached) then I will not be charging a further license fee, unlike some other rip of cartoonists that, while making lots of money and driving flash cars like 59 plate Nissan Notes, will exploit their customers. The arm image will belong to her, as sure as any infection will also be entirely her responsibility.

It seems her father was once a policeman, until he was pushed out of the force for an unfortunate incident with a potato peeler and a repeat offender in the late 1980's, and as a tribute to her dad, she'd like a tattoo with the image below. I think that's a lovely thing for a daughter to do for her father. Heavily tattooed daughters, always love their daddies. That is clear.

Now to hit Google, or TalentWriter Community Website for articles on how to tattoo an arm or bottom with a fatherly tribute.

Council housed Timeshare

2010-11-26T09:00:00.001Z

I have noticed in the recent news lately that the new Government plans to prevent people who don't have a lot of money living in Council Houses for too long after they move in. I think this is an excellent idea. A bit like timeshare for homeless people. Why should they get a home for life and security of tenure for life when other people with more money don't have the same security with their own homes?

As you will have noticed, and I make no apologies for this, I am getting more political with my cartoons. I hope one day to become a political cartoonist. Perhaps I could be a political cartoonist for a decent newspaper, like The Daily Mail, or the Daily Telegraph, or if they won't have me - perhaps a working class newspaper like the Times of London (times cartoons anyone?).

2010-11-18T12:55:00.000Z

I have been very busy just lately and haven't been able to update this website for the same length of time that I have been busy doing other things. I don't often get the time I need to drawer cartoons, as I have to provide house keeping services to my large family of cats, and time permitting, the children. This week I had to take my cat to the vets for some injections. I was staggered by the cost of these injections. How can a tiny amount of liquid cost £49.58, I don't know. It doesn't even seem to improve the cat in anyway. But this did make me think of this hilarious cartoon, which I was able to drawer this morning as I had a few hours spare to myself this morning, inbetween doing all the laundry and scraping plates from last nights take-away dinner (too busy to cook).

Back to the cartoon. Can you imagine if these expensive injections actually did something strange to your cat, like make it grow into a super cat? (btw, don't think just because they sell food that claims such claims that it works, it doesn't. They can't fly after eating it! I should know!) I think the vet must have thought I was very strange as I let out a little giggle when I thought of this hilarious cartoon idea while the nurse was being scratched about the face by Mr Tiddleworth.

So it just goes to show that even something as expensive and mudane as a trip to the vets with a cat (or possibly even a dog) can lead to a brilliant and hilarious cartoon idea. One which hopefully will make me enough money to pay the vets bills in the future. I have sent this off to Cat World. Their office girl said that they don't take cartoons, but I've sent it anyway, as I think this is just the sort of thing to change the editors mind. Later today, when I go to the local spar, I might even buy a copy, so I can get a feel of what that magazine is all about.

Wish me luck.

Leonard x

How to drawer a cartoon filing cabinet. Part 1.

2010-11-03T17:42:00.000Z

As promised, here is the lesson on how to draw a cartoon filing cabinet. Thanks to Pin Ups Office supplys (Dunstable) for the loan of the filing cabinet and preferential rates on post it notes.

Hilarious Computer Joke.

2010-10-30T17:06:00.000+01:00

This is a recent joke cartoon that I did for a client to see that I could provide some jokey type cartoons for his Ye Olde Computer Shoppe business in the local high street. He wanted something that he could send out to all his customers via email or facebook (he's yet to decide). After he had given me his briefs, I set to work thinking of all the amusing things about computers that I could put into a jokey type cartoon for his computer business as previously discussed.

I did this on my computer with my Wancom Bamboo tablet. IT's a very expensive piece of professional equipment that only professional cartoonists are allowed to buy, but if you can afford one then I think you should. I have drawn this cartoon in just 7 hours, from the client brief to the finished article (no, not this article, I did it last week). I did this cartoon in the style of Bill Tidy or Larry. Check out the filing cabinet!

Next time: How to drawer cartoon filing cabinets.

Caption Competition.

2010-10-22T19:12:00.000+01:00

I must apoloigise to all the people that look forward to my regular updates on the world of cartooning and Search Engine Optomisation. I have been very busy this past week with my hedge and lawn. Preparing it for the winter months. I think the netting looks nice.

I have decided that it's time that we held a caption competition here on Talent Free. I know that lots of you who can't draw really funny cartoons like me, and Cathy , but you can come up with lots of splendid captions (judging by all the 'captions' I've been recieving in my email just lately!!!) So the task this week is to come up with a caption for the above cartoon that I have drawn. There will be a prize for the winner of the contest (Gel pens possibly, but not the matallic set - I'm saving them to drawer some special christmas cards for friends and relatives over the festive season).

Please leave a comment if you can think of an hilarious caption that matches the hilarity of the original cartoon. The object in the middle IS a free standing swimming pool (incase you was wondering, or have never seen a swimming pool before!)

Gel Pen Manufacturers Blog

2010-10-14T13:12:00.000+01:00

I've found this very interesting website all about Gel Pens. The Gel Pen's Manufacturers Blog. A very interesting blog about Gel pens, and how they were invented. Anyone can now use gel pens.

Gel pens tend to produce a bolder line and smudge less than other types of pen. The ink can also be produced in a much wider range of colors and this can include fluorescent, metallic and glittery effects which can work well on darker paper. The size of the nib on a gel pen can vary from around 0.18mm to 1.5mm and the advantages that they provide make them popular with a range of professions. This can include teachers, with the bold lines and vibrant color showing up well when marking papers and also graphic artists with the range of colors suiting them well. However they can be used by anyone and as well as being simply for writing they are also popular for art, with the colors and effects in which they can be produced making them ideal for this.

I think this is true, that anyone can now use Gel pens. You don't need to be a proffessional to use them anymore since they were invented in the 1880's. I imagine back then they were very expensive and people without any money couldn't buy them. As you know I'm a big fan of the GEL PEN. I find that somehow my cartoons are more funnier when they are drawn by GEL PENS. And having them available in so many bright and vivid colours is just an added bonus for me, you, teachers, and professional graphic designers the world over.

All hail the GEL PEN!

Here's a caricature of my son, which looks nothing like him:

I've won the lottery.

2010-10-09T23:26:00.000+01:00

Wonderful news has just broke. Someone in the UK has won the Euromillion lottery. I haven't won this lottery, but I have won the lottery of life. However if I did win the lottery and had lots of money all of a sudden I would probably give up cartooning for a while. After all, I'm only in this game to get rich.

But if I had won the lottery, after I'd paid off all my debts to Bright-Home, The Kays Catalogue, Primark store card, and YES car credit - I would probably give the rest of the money away! Always I have been known for my generous and modest nature. All those times I've told big Dave in the chippy to "keep the penny, put it in the jar for the spastics", and other such random acts of kindness that I would never publicise myself, out of an extreme sense of modesty. I'd probably give so much away to Save The Mongolian House Butterfly and the Conservative Benevolent Fund, that there'd be none left for myself! LOL

But with the money left, I would definitely buy a Rolls Royce Album, or possibly a CD. And then give it to a children's charity for new hearing aids or something like that. I don't know what they'd use the money for. Perhaps some new balls for their ball pool? I don't know. I've never visited a children's charity.

How to pass your driving test.

2010-10-02T12:22:00.001+01:00

Passing your driving test is very important if you are wanting to drive to the local post office, or perhaps further a field (although if you wish to drive over fields you might want to consider buying a 4x4). What ever you are driving to the shops for (gel pens or stamps) you must have a driving license which you can get from passing a driving test.

Some people find it helpful to have something that's called "Driving Lessons" before they have a "Driving Test". You can get these lessons from a "Driving Instructer" who you will find driving around in a Vauxhall Corsa in your home town. Flag one down today and ask him how much he charges for a lesson. It's important to do this with quite a few "driving instructers" as they all charge different prices.

Once you have found a Driving Instructer that you like the charge he'll make of you, then you can book some lessons until you feel ready for a driving test.

Driving tests are conducted at a "Driving Test Centre" although you will be expected to drive away from the centre at some point, and maybe around your local town a little bit. You may also be required to take a theory test if you were born after 1996. Once you have passed your test - you can now drive to the local post office or Spar*

*You may require a car to drive to the local Post Office or Spar.

The meaning of life, and the naked washing up club.

2010-09-27T16:55:00.000+01:00

I have often been asked what the point of it all is. Now I am no minstrel or smartie, but I do know that it's often the right course of action to do something different from time to time to challenge the spirit of the human being into doing something different.

I am of course talking about washing up in the nip. Why would anyone want to do this? Well, if you have a dishwasher they'd be little point - but we are not all middle class. Some of us don't even have a people carrier. Washing up with clothes on can be hazardous, especially when you are on your way out for an evenings entertainment at the local arts centre. Washing up in the nip can make things much better. It's a wonderful experience for everyone who isn't within sight of your scrubbing sponge.

Then there's having a dog. It's very important when you have a dog to walk it regularly. At least 5 times per day (depending on the size of it's legs). If you have a very small dog with short legs, then it might be better to walk it just once per day. Dogs cannot walk without you helping them, as they don't understand the concept of the green cross man, or how fast a Saab 900 Turbo is travelling through your estate (see, not middle class).

Well I hope that's helped many of you with the eternal struggle with the meaning of life and other big important questions. As usual I'd welcome any comments.

I'm going to draw Penelope Cruze.

2010-09-23T16:04:00.000+01:00

I've decided that it might be quite good fun to draw somthing cartoonists call a caricature. That is a picture (or drawing) of someone done in a cartooney style, but instead of just looking like a cartoon drawing that I've copied from another cartoonist (so many cartoons are all the same these days. Drawn with lines. Lettering for the caption etc) this one will look like I had the celebrity right there in front of my drawing pad when I did this.

My plan to do this drawing and make it look like the celebrity that I want it to look like is to draw the picture while quickly looking at my pad and then quickly looking at a photo of the celebrity back and forth as I go. I'm going to draw the celebrity just like they appear in the photo, and then exaggerate their features to add some fun and uniqueness to the drawing. If I didn't do this, then it would just be a drawing of the celebrity.

Remember I am not an artist, and I'm also a single mum.

I'm hoping Penelope Cruze will give me at least £20 for this drawing caricature of herself image.

Here we go.....

I think that worked out quite well. I'm sending it to Penelope Cruze today, but I have to send it by email, as I don't have a colour printer. If she wants it for her art collection, she'll just have to print it out herself.

Salting Potato's.

2010-09-21T09:00:00.000+01:00

I've been very busy these last few days with yet another fantastic commission that I can't tell you about for confidentiality reasons, and to be honest, the Girls Guides leader is quite intimidating.

Here's a cartoon I did to demonstrate how to subtlety do some hand shading that will impress your clients and customers. Look how the breast seem to be almost 3D. That can make the difference between a great cartoon and a very bad cartoon. 3D breasts.

This cartoon was a rough draft for a customer that wanted some cartoons for his restaurant. Once I'd sent him the rough drafts, I never heard from him again. I expect his business was burnt to the ground by Animal Rights Activists or something. Pity. I'd drawn over 15 drawings like this. That's the trouble with being a cartoonist. You can spend 3 weeks working on something that comes nothing.

A Wheelie good joke.

2010-09-18T09:00:00.000+01:00

We seem to be restricted by more and more and more rules these days. From rules of written language that restricts those that couldn't go to school from self expressing themselves, to the rules about which side of the road you should drive on, even during the lord mayors parade road redirections. Wheelie bins are a wheelie good idea, but local councils limit what you can put into them. Surely they can't object to people putting wheels into a wheelie bin can they?

A very funny wheelie bin cartoon. The local councils restrict what can be put into peoples

bins these days, but surely they can't object to wheels being put into a wheelie bin?

Artwork & Joke © Leonard Gubbins 2010

Drawing small cartoons is no fun at all.

2010-09-17T09:00:00.000+01:00

I've decided that it was time that I decided to launch a highly successful strip cartoon series that will get published in many newspapers all over the world. I expect it will pay very well. At least £20 per day, per newspaper. Which could soon add up to a great deal of money.

The problem I have with drawing a newspaper strip every day for vast amounts of money, is that the size of the strips in newspapers, means it's quite difficult to draw at such a small size for newspapers comic strips.

It's not the humour or the drawing skills that is the problem. Just drawing something very small, with a very big brush pen. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was some sort of conspiracy to prevent people with large brush pens from selling cartoon comic strips for newspapers, and denying them a vast income of many £20 notes from each newspaper that would take the comic strip, if only they were drawn at a bigger size.

It's quite clearly madness. But I shall continue to spend most of my time drawing at least 4,000 strips, and then I'll send them out to see what the market thinks.

Talent Free Photography Club.

2010-09-13T17:34:00.000+01:00

I have been interesting in Photography for some time now. Having a digital camera makes it very easy to take stunning photographs like this one that I took of a swan recently when I was on holiday.

The setting I used for taking this photograph was AUTO. As you can see the swan was swimming a little too fast for my camera arm,and I just managed to avoid it's bill.

Luckily for me, as I'd spent most of my holiday money at this point. If you'd like to take a photo of this swan then I suggest you hang around the Norfolk Broads.

Making smooth images for the internet age.

2010-09-13T09:00:00.000+01:00

I have been struggling for some time with getting the images I create to look just right on my website, or blog. No matter how low I make the resolution, or how many filters I apply, the images often look very poor quality.

I have decided that this must be because everyone else makes their jpeg images with Vector Graphics or something very technicological like that. Not knowing anything about vector graphics, I have decided to produce all my work in vector images from now on. Fortunately I don't have any commissions at the moment (that was lucky!) so I'll have time to play around with the various settings and get this right, and then advise others on how to be an expert with vector graphics.

Keep watching this space. I'm downloading http://inkscape.org/ now and hope to learn how to use this very soon. Smooth graphics are on the way soon!

How to draw anything in 1 step.

2010-09-11T19:18:00.000+01:00

Whilst browsing the internet the other day I found this excellent article which describes how to draw anything at all, even things that you can't draw.

I thought I'd post this here, saving me the time of writing a proper post.

Enjoy, and let me know if it works for you.

http://aviary.com/blog/posts/how-to-draw-anything-in-1-step

How to tell if your girlfriend has got a lot of baggage (1)

2010-09-03T10:31:00.001+01:00

All we men of the world have dated someone with a lot of baggage. When I say ‘we’, the more observant among you will notice that I’m not a man at all, let alone a man of the world, but that doesn’t stop me from making pronouncements on our behalf.

Firstly, all this baggage may be no bad thing. If you are someone whose marbles keep spilling all over the floor, or you’re scared that your nuts might drop and there’s nowhere for them to go to – you may find your girl’s got so many containers and receptacles that she won’t notice if you nick the odd Samsonite three case trolley set from her extensive collection.

So, what are the tell-tale signs?

Many women carry a handbag. This is a bit weird to we men who prefer to keep our little sausages nice and warm in our pockets, and it’s something to be aware of before you even start. She may even have a purse. Maybe she carries her laptop in a case.

A more extreme example may have a lot of scruffy old carrier bags full of what seems to be rubbish. If questioned, she will tell you that Prince Charles keeps trying to steal her belongings, especially the Rolls Royce, and so she needs to keep it with her at all times. This is not a woman you should be thinking of dating long term, especially if she doesn’t appear to have washed or changed her clothes for three years and hasn’t got any teeth. Though she may be interesting company if you fancy sharing the odd bottle of cider or methylated spirits on a park bench.

There is another type of woman, though, the extent of whose baggage will only become apparent on closer acquaintance. If you open the third drawer along in her kitchen, you will find it’s full of carrier bags. The more blatant women will even have them openly on display in an even larger carrier bag, probably one purporting to be from a prestigious establishment like Tesco’s. This is designed to impress you, and you must resist as firmly as you can. She will pretend to be disorganised just get even more bags from the local supermarket, with the lame duck excuse that she’s forgotten to bring her shopping trolley.

I now need to practise my droring style to fit in with these Talent Free cartoons so you have a diagram of what a woman with a lot of baggage might look like. This isn’t going to be easy. Here goes.

Try not to start a meaningful relationship with someone who looks like a one-lady-bottle-bank:

Test how humorous you are with a number score!

2010-08-30T09:00:00.001+01:00

Have you ever wonderered how funny you are? Well this interesting website may be able to help you decide. It's a wonderful site that displays a cartoon, and then it's members decide on a funny caption for it and then vote. Looks very interesting. It's quite a new site at the moment, but I think it could be something really big very soon (within a year or even less!).

It's a marvelous way to use cartoons for the normal people out there to vote on their favourite caption, and it's also very good 'creative exercise' as they say on the site. I'm thinking of sending them some of my own cartoons, and see what they can make caption wise of them!

Doing business on the internet.

2010-08-28T09:00:00.001+01:00

If only I'd discovered the wonders of gel pens when I was younger. Perhaps I'd have chosen to be a cartoonist much earlier in life when I was younger? As it was I didn't decide to be a cartoonist until February this year. At first I thought it might be difficult, but then I joined a cartoonist forum and after giving some advice to the other cartoonists on there, I decided to give up my job at the drop in centre and devote my life to making wonderful cartoons and making people smile, with my dynamic and unique cartoons, always remembering that those that criticise are just jealous of my natural abilities to make people laugh. Everyone who has seen one of my cartoons has laughed at me - and there's no better endorsement of brilliant talent then that!

Here's a quick look back at some of those cartoons.

A Day in a cartoonist's Hard Days Night.

2010-08-27T00:27:00.000+01:00

I never knew Elenor Rigby, but I bet if I did she wouldn't have stolen that moped, or robbed the Londis Store, before blowing her mind out in a bar.

When a cartoonist, like what I am, is given a commission for drawing something for a client, I often have to go through a certain routine, that quite often involves checking my gel pens are all present and correct. There's nothing worst than starting a project only to fine the Silver Magic gel pen is missing, and you need to draw a cod piece to make the whole thing work in humour terms of endearment, and what have you.

I often get my best ideas when sitting on the toilet (number 1 or two - there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it), or sometimes when making toast for my busy family. It may take me days, or several days, up to a week, or even sometimes several months to get an idea, but when I do there's no stopping me. The PVR is set to record ANYTHING, with Tim Walcott in it and I'm away in the spare bedroom - moving all the dress making equipement out of the way until I finish this cartoon. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to drawing, and I will often randomly rip up my creations until the voice in my head tells me that enough gel pen ink has been used on this project, and if the client doesn't like it - they must have a infected face or somethink.

Here's one I did for the BBC recently.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/

Cartoons for your Goldfish.

2010-08-24T14:34:00.000+01:00

I've had a brilliant idea today that I'm going to have to copyright protect from being stolen. I have written down this idea and posted it to myself within a special gauranteed envelope, therefor copyrighting it for the future so I can protect this idea from being stolen by one of the Den Dragons or Richard Branston (who actually stole the idea for Branston Pickle!).

My idea safely protected I can now reveal it to the millions of people who could find this website if they only used Google properly. It is a well known fact that Goldfish like to have pictures behind their aquariums, and this is usually just some pretty coloured prints of plants and shipwrecks and stuff like that. I thought there's a gap in the market here for an idea that would replace the boring static pictures of underwater scenes, with a collection of cartoons (fish based or not?) This would provide continued interest for any visitors you had at your home, as they would see something different each time they looked at the aquarium.

I'm seeking £3,000 for 5% of the Fishy Backgrounds Limited. For this I will buy an A3 printer and some packaging equipement. Here's an example of the sort of designs I'm talking about (copyright protected).

A woman squirts.

2010-08-18T09:00:00.000+01:00

Why o why o why o why do we not have more women firemen? If I was going to phone the fire brigade, it would be nice to think that perhaps there was a small chance that they would send a fire tender full of lovely young ladies, perhaps in tight red t-shirts, would be coming to save my front porch from being badly burnt.

This country is not once it once thus was.

*I've been asked to point out that I am no longer permitted to contact the local fire chief via post due to the previous volume of my correspondence (allegedly constituting harassment).

I thought it was a good idea.

Well that wasn't very impressive.

2010-08-16T09:00:00.000+01:00

Why is it that whenever men drink alcohol they promise to cut the lawn the following weekend, and then spew up in the toilet before leaving the house to find a kebab house, even though you live in a small village that doesn't even have a chip shop?

And then don't cut (or mow) the lawn the following weekend (because they are having an operation or something stupid like that?)

*still image from future projected animation short for children's TV (Channel 5?)

2010-08-14T09:00:00.002+01:00

I've been experimenting with drawing shapes to help me make faces. This is my first attempt, which I'm thinking of offering as a fully fledged commercial service as soon as I've done at least another two! I started off with the nose shape, but of course it didn't start out as a nose at all, oh no it didn't.

Thinking the colour scheme would look very good as a series of childrens books? What do you think? Would you buy your children a book that looked like this, perhaps it would have some words in it as well. In a nice plain bold typeface like this?

I should think of a story for this childrens book. It could be the next Harry Potter or something like that.

What a shower.

2010-08-13T12:30:00.002+01:00

What a sight to behold. lumps of space rock called meteors shooting across the sky last night. (If you're reading this on the 14th of August I'll be referring to Thursday the twelfthfth.) It was that or wounded, burning from gunshot wounds, grouse flying south for safety from trigger happy middle class ninnies wanting to make whiskey from their feathers or some such like.
I gazed up in amazement as the things (probably meteors) whizzed, I say, whizzed across the sky. This made me think. Would any of them enter the earth's atmosphere & come thundering to earth to cause destruction, annial...annhiale...annilatio.....time to reverse & aliens to invade our annihilated...(no red underscore? Hah! I did it.) world. Then, I thought, 'stop thinking like a corey, Mahoney & go to bed. It's late',. So I did.
The End.
I gone & done a picture to very nearly illustrate what I am on about.

A Friday the 13th Caricature.

2010-08-13T11:07:00.000+01:00

This is a cartoon portrait of my next door neighbour. I can't tell you her name, as she wishes to remain anonymous, but agreed to me posting her caricature on the internet. She has been having trouble with her neck for several years now. Various doctors and other patients in various waiting rooms have not been able to diagnose her condition. All she knows is that she gets terrible pains in her neck, especially after line dancing.

To be honest, I think she's quite depressed about it now. It's been going on for so many years. The doctors don't want to know. Even other patients have stopped listening. I thought long and hard about how I could help cheer her up a bit. I could have trimmed her front hedge for her, but I didn't have time for this, as I needed to take a faulty tin opener back to Argos that day. So after a long hard think taking several hours, I decided that I could make her smile with my cartooning skills.

She's often said about how she wishes she just didn't have a neck any more, so I came up with this hilarious caricature of her (wearing the polo neck her nan knitted for her last year before she died. In fact THE last thing her nan ever knitted. Some have suggested she was catching a bus to the wool shop when the accident occurred, but that could just be an urban legend!)

Drawing done entirely on the computer. Black HP mouse, 19" monitor, but made to look like pencil crayon hand shaded.

* Her front hedge is still a state, but at least now she's smiling!

Another terrible mistake.

2010-08-12T18:57:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I made a brief post seeking forgiveness for a mistake that somebody here at Leonard Gubbins inc International ltd made when posting an advertisement for WILL WRITING SERVICES (from only £20) I inadvertently made a mistake and stated that the person responsible for this mistake had been executed.

This of course was a mistake, and it was suppose to have read the person had been excluded!

Sorry once again for this error.

Hilarious Speed Camera Cartoon.

2010-08-11T17:44:00.000+01:00

I had the idea for this cartoon while I was sitting in my dining room this morning, eating some toast. I was looking at the BBC news website and I was reading a story about how they have removed all the speed cameras in Oxfordshire, allowing everyone to drive at whatever speed they now choose to! Now the police are complaining that people are driving too fast! Of course people are going to drive too fast. That's why they buy cars that go fast, over something like a bicycle, which doesn't go very fast.

I showed this cartoon to my children, and they thought it was very funny and that I should send it to the BBC, they might show it on the BBC breakfast news programme or something. I emailed it this morning, but I'm still waiting to hear when I'll be invited onto the famous sofa to discuss my latest mastertory piece.

Spelling Mistake.

2010-08-11T17:25:00.001+01:00

I have to apologise for something posted on this website yesterday. Our usual high quality control standards failed us yesterday, and the advert for Will Writing Services contained a terrible error.

The error has now being corrected.

Please note that this has no baring on the proof reading services provided by employees of this website. The person responsible for this mistake has been executed.

I am astonished that no body noticed this mistake.

Giving the client what they want.

2010-08-10T17:34:00.000+01:00

I have often been asked how I negotiate with clients when I'm selling my services of providing cartoons to clients, and I know that this process is very interesting to many of you reading this website.

Here's a recent example of an email discussion I had with a very difficult client (names changed to protect the innocent)

Client:

Dear Susan Ledrow,

I am the managing director of an ice cream administration company, and I would like a new logo for my company vehicle. I'd like something that looks friendly, and attractive to my clientele who are usually of a young age.

Are you able to provide graphics for a vehicle? Please let me know the cost, before I decide to go ahead with this project. I have a very limited budget.

Mr W. Hippie.

Now this was an interesting project, but after doing some research on the various print on demand website sites I was obliged to reply thus such:

Dear Mrs Thurrock,

Thank you very much for your interesting email about me desiging some cartoons for your ice cream van. While I would be delighted to provide you with the service that you have requested, I am not sure how to get the cartoon designs printed directly onto your vehicle. While I now have a colour printer, sadly it is only an A4 model, and will not accomodate a vehicle of your size.

If you'd still like me to provide the designs, maybe you could find a van printer yourself? Please let me know if you'd like me to work on some rough ideas for your vehicle. Have you got a website? I could easily design something for that.

Miss Clair Moumatch.

I forgot to mention how much I was going to charge, and thought nothing more of it. Probably wouldn't hear from this client again, but 3 weeks later:

Dear Leo Gussett,

Thank you for your reply to my email. I only require the design to be produced by you. I already have a printer that will reproduce the design for me on vynal sheets which can easily be affixed to my vehicle.

If you can produce some rough designs for me, and let me know how much you would charge me, I would be most greatful. If this is not possible, then I shall just use the design I used last time, before the respray.

Sincerly,

Mrs Chris Ledyard.

I was relieved that the client had his own printing company to repro (reproduce) the design and set to work straight away on some rough ideas for the design:

Dear mr Biles,

Here is a rough ideas for the logo for your ice cream van vehicle. I forgot to mention there's no charge for rough ideas, and if you like the design, my charge will be just £20 (design will be emailled to you free of charge), or if you want it printed and posted to you I will have to charge postage and packaging charge of £2.88 + £20 design fee. This is a license to use the artwork outright with no further charges.

Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Leonard Gubbins.

Unfortunately that was the last I heard from this client. I'd done some speclative work, in the hope of making some money with this client, but they never got back to me. Frustrating, yes, but as most professional cartoonists and illustrators will tell you, it's all part of the course. Hopefully one day I'll be able to use these designs for another client that approaches me for some work.

UPDATE: A few days later I successfully sold a missing cat poster to Mrs Stocker down the road. The cat was never found.

Wonderful gifts.

2010-08-09T15:25:00.000+01:00

Well it's that time of year again, when many people know someone who's going to have a birthday or maybe a divorce or something to celebrate, and nothing says a celebration better than a wonderful personalised gift.

These days there are many kinds of personalised gifts one can buy for money for a loved one, or special friend, or even a member of your own family relation. You could buy them a shopping bag, or a toaster with their name printed on it, but would that really make them happy, and make them get you an even more expensive gift when it's your turn to have something bought for your for your birthday or celebration?

Probably not. The thing is when buying personalised gifts for people that might buy you a more expensive gift in return, or even for your Birthday, is that the personalised gift must look tasteful and expensive, even if it was actually quite cheap.

Personalised cartoons can make wonderful gifts that people will treasure for years to come, probably display on their walls or office walls if they are the sort of person that works in an office, or maybe their bathroom wall if they are unemployed lay-a-bouts (you may not want to buy anything for an unemployed lay-a-bout as it's highly unlikely they will ever buy you a gift in return and that would be a waste of money! No one likes out of date Hula-Hoops bought from the pound shop).

Finding a cartoonist to make you a personalised cartoon gift used to be quite difficult, but since the invention of the internet it's now easier than ever. All you have to do is open Google, or some such like search engine and search for "Leonard Gubbins Cartoonist" or a (very) similar phrase and you will find a cartoonist that will create something very special for as little as £20.

Try it. You may be pleasently surprised when you get something worth having back from the person that you bought the personalised cartoon back.

Album Cover Design.

2010-08-02T09:00:00.000+01:00

I've been asked to design an album cover for a band called SKID MARKS. So I got straight to work on this interesting commission. After many hours of thinking what this band would like to portray in their album cover, was it romance? Perhaps it was shock value they were looking for.

After recieving the email requestition for this important piece of work, I had to pop out to Focus Do It All for around 3 days, so I couldn't get working on this important and impressive commission for a few hours as yet thus though. But that did give me time to think of some concept for this important peice of work. What would they want on their album cover, and would I agree with them. Time was running out. The pressure and the stress of being a top illustrator to bands from Estonia or somewhere like that.

While I was thinking I was also looking at the rabbit hutches in the attached garden centre of Focus Do It All. They had some nice ones, but they were all a little too pricey to be honest. Besides, I don't have a rabbit - so would have probably been a waste of money.

I thought maybe they would like an album cover of some skid marks from a car - but that was unlikely, as I can't really draw very good car tyres (or tires if you live in America).

Here is the first draft I sent the band for approval. They have yet to get back to me, but I suppose they have a very slow internet out there in Espania or where-ever it was they are coming from? It's the most exciting 8 weeks waiting I've ever spent!

FOOTNOTE: I have since found out that there is many bands called Skid Marks. Here is one of them

But I digress.

2010-08-01T21:10:00.000+01:00

Over at the cartoonist forum they have a contest every week that sets a caption and all the cartoonists (the ones that charge way more than £20 per cartoon, btw) and they all post a cartoon and then they vote for the one that they like the best.

I tried to do something similar on here once, but only 1 person replied and it didn't really work out as I hoped it would. That's the trouble with original ideas that I have. Someone else has always done it better and bigger than me. The cartoonist cartel over at the cartoonist forum don't take favourably to unique talent such as mine. They call it horrible things, like "it's rubbish", or that I have no "talent". Clearly they feel threatened, otherwise they wouldn't have any need to write such hurtful things. They can see my uniqueness could ruin their business.

And it's that which inspires me to continue with my one woman campaign against anything that isn't talented and free. and unique. Google is my friend. Google loves me and my many links.

This week I've drawn a cartoon based on the idea over at the cartoonist forum, but with a twist. Not for me, something "oh so clever" and smart. Oh no. I've gone for something crude and uniuqe. I was told it was too late to enter the contest, but I know the real reason is that it's simply so good, it puts all their efforts to shame.

So here is my hand shaded goodness for your enjoyment:

but I digress.

How to draw a bed sheet monster cartoon that will scare you enemies and delight your friends and local business associates.

2010-07-29T09:00:00.003+01:00

I am often asked how I can draw a scarey cartoons bed sheet type ghost characture, and I can. For other people it might not be so easy, so I've spend many hours googling and have found this link which may be useful if you wish to draw a cartoon bed sheet type ghost thing, although I don't approved of cheating and drawing pencil lines first, it's probably an American thing anyway.

Here's the link: http://www.wtry.com/pages/missingmissy.html

It's health & safety gone mad.

2010-07-27T20:59:00.000+01:00

The other day I was walking down the street when I noticed that there was some signs that I should cross the road and start walking on the other side of the road, pavement. The sign was an effing great big hole in the road that some jobs worth had dug up apparently. But this wasn't enough. Alongside this natural 'sign' was a red & white barrier a flashing light or two and some traffic cones. How insulted I felt. The local council or whoever it was who dug the hole had decided for me that I wasn't intelligent enough to avoid a huge hole in the ground, and decided to make it bloody obvious that there was a great hole in the footpath.

Clearly all this health and safety nonesense had also prevented the workmen from gaining access to the hole, as no work was taking place that Sunday afternoon. Anything could have happened to that hole the whole time it was just left there, inviting vandals to perhaps fill it in, or throw some elderly people into it that they had just mugged, and because of all the warning signs and health and safety - everyone would have been walking on the other side of the street and wouldn't have noticed the mountain of dead pensioners inside the hole.

I take great pride in my civic pride, so I was compelled to make a small physical protest to all this crazy health and safety nonsense. I removed one of the flashing amber lights, and I now use it in my back garden to warn the postman not to stand on the gravel where the dog likes to do his business. If I have prevented just one pensioner from being left in a hole for a whole weekend then my effort will have been worth it.

The Rejection Section

2010-07-20T12:43:00.000+01:00

Hears the first cartoon in the new feature I thought of for this blog - The Rejection Section ©. This cartoon was sent to over 8 different publications, and yet surprisingly, despite the fact it's been specially 'hand shaded' they all rejected it. Well, I'd like to be able to say they rejected it, but the fact is - they ignored it. How very rude! That's 8 more publications that are on my shit list.

The way things appear to be going, there's only going to be Smash Hits magazine, and MotorHome Monthly left to accept my hilarious cartoons.

If you know of a publication that deserves the chance to publish my unique humourous cartoons, then please let me know. The local post office to be has quite a limited range of periodicals, and Mrs Braithwaite gets a bit upitty if I spend too long fingering her glossies.

I've been rejected yet again!

2010-07-19T13:11:00.000+01:00

One of the most frustrating aspects of being a successful cartoonist is the sheer volume of rejection one has to deal with on a monthly basis. I never send anything other than unique and wonderful cartoons to various magazines and trade magazines, and yet they don't even have the decency to reply to me giving me a good enough reason why they don't want my cartoons.

When I send something off to a magazine I expect them to accept the cartoons or at the very least explain themselves when they don't want my cartoons. Those that don't reply get struck off my list of publications to send to, as quite frankly I don't wish to do business with companies that employe rude cartoon editors. I now have quite a long list of publications that simply aren't worth bothering with:

The New Yorker
Private Eye Magazine
Bella
Woman's Own
Dudley Parish News
The Gaurdian Newspaper
The Lancet
The Daily Star (rejected my strip cartoon idea about boiled eggs - idiots!)
Razzle (how they can claim my cartoon broke certain laws I don't know - they have photos of meat!)
Viz
The People's Friend (perhaps the cartoon should have been coloured with watercolours?)
The Advertiser (free newspaper)
Furniture Salesman Monthly (inc Carpet Warehouse Times)

None of these publications will now get the chance to publish any Leonard Gubbins cartoons. The way I look at it is, either take legal action against them, or just ignore them.

I've decided to start a new feature on the website today. It's going to be called THE REJECTION SECTION. Here I will publish all the cartoons that these fools have ignored so far. There's quite a lot of them, so it should be a long long running feature.

Here's the first cartoon in the Rejection Section:

I thought Bella or Woman's Own would love this hilarious cartoon as it covers women's issues quite well, while at the same time being quite funny. Sent it to both of them - heard nothing. How very rude. Perhaps the female cartoon editor had the printers in, and wasn't in a polite mood? I don't know. What I do know is that I won't be sending them any more cartoons like this!

Siege mentality.

2010-07-14T15:43:00.001+01:00

When I first started my successful cartoon career, I was often asked why I was bothering, as I was pretty good at the job I was doing at the time anyway, and I couldn't drawer for toffee. Well I'm the sort of person that when I'm told I can't do something, I want to do it all the more!

Like my ex-next door neighbour who told me that I couldn't sunbathe in my own garden naked! How dare he tell me what I couldn't do!!! As it happens I wasn't even sunbathing naked in my back garden. I was wearing speedos, but he couldn't see them due to an unfortunate thyroid problem I was suffering from in the mid-90's (all cleared up now, thankfully). But I wasn't going to be bossed about by someone who didn't even have an upstairs lavatory for guests, and a poorly installed conservatory.

I took the same view of those who sought to dissuade me from becoming a cartoonist. I instinctively knew that my cartoons were brilliant, so what other people thought was largely irrelevant. I'm happy to say that I was proved right in the end. This site has had over 511000 visitors since it's launch in February 2010 (11,000 since March 2010 alone!), and as I proved in a recent post - many positive search results on Google.

Now, I am considering myself as an experienced cartoonist. I provide help and support to many web cartoonists - who actively seek my wise advice on all matters concerning cartooning matters. If you need to know which type of paper to use with which type of pencil or pen - then I can advise. Soon I will be launching my own cartoon correspondence school, but unlike others out there - I will be upfront about the costs.

The same goes for clients who might want to use my services or cartoons. I publish my prices up front, unlike many cartoonists who are very secretive about what they charge. Why do they do that? I've no idea. Seems very stupid to me (and most other people). If I was a client and I wanted a cartoonist to drawer a cartoon for my website or newsletter - I would want to know how much it was going to cost right away. It's no accident that many of these so called 'professional' cartoonists appear nowhere in a Google search for "cheap cartoonist".

So if you want a "cheap cartoonist" for your recession busting business - then look no further than Leonard Gubbins*

*I'm also available for Search Engine Optimisation, Tarot Reading, and Oven Cleaning (weekday evenings only).

Careful Now...You'll peel!

2010-07-11T20:06:00.002+01:00

As we enter the middle to end of the summer...About two thirds of the way through, more like.... One only has to look around whilst on the way to work or walking the dog , or even as one ogles the women as they sunbathe on the beach...I say ogle, I mean to say study, yes that's it, study the female form purely for artistic reasons... Probably three quarters of the way through when I think about it.... The one thing that sticks out the most is the different skin types. You have your olive skinned .."ooh, I just spam myself in Trex, wrap up in aluminium foil , (or aluminum for our Amercan friends) & just go brown without burning", types. You have the.."I need to be careful so I have to use factor 4 diluted with lighter fuel" who go a lovely warm beige. At the end of the scale there's me with my fair Irish skin. I need to apply factor 50 sunblock, pop on a duffle coat then apply a liberal coat of Sandtex Smooth masonry paint over the top.... Three fifths of the way as the nights are just starting to draw in..... Cornish Cream is a lovely colour (or color as our merican friends spell it) but I wouldn't recommend it for a suntan top coat on your duffle coat. Nice, though, on a dwarf wall conservatory. To summarise.....(or summerize as this f**king Amezrican spell checker reckons it spelled)... I burn like a tw*t! I've done a drawing, ain't I?...

Worldcup 2010 England aren't in it.

2010-07-09T09:00:00.000+01:00

England are out of the world cup and some other teams are now in it instead. I don't really follow football, but I'm sure whichever team wins it, will be the best team. This got me thinking about all the traders that have been selling England memorialbeelia for the contest. They must be very upset that England are now out of the contest - think of all those flags and tea cups that they won't be able to sell now! This got me thinking that this would make a really funny cartoon, so I drew a really funny cartoon about it this morning and posted it on my blog. I hope you like it.

This cartoon is availble for sale, for publishing on blogs, tea towels (you'll have to sort out the printing yourself) and business cards.

As always, comments welcome. Anything nasty will be reported to the police.

Google is my friend.

2010-07-07T09:00:00.002+01:00

I have often being asked. This charming, and successful blog was started just a few short months ago, but already it ranks very highly for some key search terms - which is a clear demonstration of how important it is for the internet to have this thus blog in existance. What would the gap be filled with if this site didn't exist? Probably another website of dancing kittens - a search term which this blog doesn't rank at all for.

So some of the terms that this blog ranks so highly for include:

"cartoon chocolate digestive" - #1 position from 15,200 results!!!
"steve bright talent" - #1 postion, from over 1,700,000 results - just a few up from a Stephen Gately video clip!!!
"gel pen cartoons" - #15 position from around 78,500 results (second page!)
"local post office gel pens cartoons" #1 position from 14,000 results.

Demonstrating that it's how you use Google that matters. As long as people use it properly, then I rank number 1 for just about any cartoon related search you care to think of.

Many times people have tried to tell me that my cartoons were not as good as others that they'd seen, but I'm sure they'll be laughing on the other side of their faces - having seen the evidence that they are in FACT so good, that Google ranks them so well.

And that's why Google is my friend, and Xezop993 doesn't know what the hell, he (or she) is talking about.

British Televisional Soap Operas.

2010-07-05T09:00:00.001+01:00

The wife/girlfriend is a great big fan of many of the British Soap Operas that appear on our televisional screens. She insists on whatching them, regardless of what she is also doing at the time. Thankfully they are usually broadcast in the early evening, so some things are never interuppted!

Having agreed to share living accommodation with her some time ago when our 'relationship' began (inspired partly by a very poor bus service between our each abodes at the time), I have accidentaly found myself watching these very popular televisional shows. While obviously I'm far too high brow to actually watch these televisional shows, I did find myself taking a passing interest in the bizzarre plots. It seems that they all have the same plot, with different actors and charactures playing out the same stories over and over. For instance, all of the soap operas currently have a plot about a body having being buried and it being discovered by a group of hoodies. A few months ago they all had charactures that were having babies. It's quite remarkable how similar all of these shows are, and I suspect, until Channel 5 launch a soap opera about aliens or something, it will continue to be like this.

Mr Bright's Bloggage.

2010-07-03T09:00:00.001+01:00

Wonderful news this week. The delightful Mr Bright (sometimes commentator on this very blog) has started his very own blog. He calls it Brightys Bloggage, which is very amusing. So far it's a little dissapointing, with only 2 posts in two days. Hopefully, as time goes on he'll decide to take his blogging a little more seriously.

Not that many pictures on the blog as yet, but some really interesting short stories about a cartoonist that used to work for DC Thompson, and the Publishers of The Beano. What an imagination that Mr Bright has!!!

He's a screen shot of the site:

You can find the site here:

http://brightys-bloggage.blogspot.com/

Photo finish to a new career!

2010-07-02T14:28:00.003+01:00

Small child almost ruined this photo
of a slide I was taking!

Since the invention of the camera around 10 years ago, digital photography has become very popular past-time for many people. Digital cameras come in all shapes and sizes, very much like the people using them. Fat bloke with a slim compact? It does happen.

For good results in photography it's very important to spend as much money as possible, on both the camera and the accessories, such as camera bags and tripods. An expert can instantly tell from looking at the photograph if the photographer has skimpt on equipement, so it's no use pretending you can get away with not spending at lot of money. It will be apparent in your completed photographs.

Once you have spent all this money (or invested) on photographical equipement, you might want to consider creating your own business taking photographs of people and places (inside & out). People without expensive photographic equipement, or those that want to be in the photographs themselves, will pay hansomely for good photographs taken on expensive equipement.

To test the water, it might be a good idea to limit yourself to only 5,000 business cards, and place these in as many local shops and post officers as possible. Word of mouth is a very good way to create business, so be sure to tell as many people as possible of how good you are at photography.

Good luck with your new career. With some luck, all that money you have spent on equipement to take a few snap shots of your Poodle, will soon be paid back many times over.

Heatwave in the UK.

2010-07-01T09:00:00.002+01:00

The day I'm writing this has been the hottest day of the year so far. By the time you read this it could be cold again, but probably not. It's like 1976 today. And that brings me neatly to the problems of wearing synthetic fibres in such hot weather. Now I fully appreciate that many of the readers of this blog (at least two of them) like to wear synthetic fibres because they are cheap, easy to wash and relatively unstainable. And who hasn't lived with messy relatives! But in extreme heat they can cause unfortunate problems for their wearers.

Now there's two solutions to this problem (you all know what I'm talking about!). One solution is to change your nylon underwear at the very least once per day, regardless of what the morning 'sniff test' tells you. The other popular solution is to have regular 'council house' showers. Always carry a can of Old Spice deodorant with you, or if you can't get that, Sure for men. You can use Sure for women, as long as it's a neutral flavour and not some over the top flowery girly flavour with flowers on the container. Women are probably best using a clean damp flannel or a piece of Bounty Kitchen roll that's been run under a tap.

Be warned. Depending where you choose to have your 'council shower' can have a detrimental effect on your employment status, or get you banned from certain public library's or shopping centres. In your car is usually fine, as long as you aren't stuck in traffic alongside a bus lane.

Another summer precautionary tale

2010-06-30T10:17:00.002+01:00

I was working in a psychiatric unit only the other day, when one of the clients related the following story:

"The other day I was walking down my front garden path, when a man said to me 'Nice tits!' and I said 'They are rather, aren't they? Would you like to come in and have a closer look?'

He readily agreed, and I took him out to my back garden, where there were plenty of exemplars of the genus Paridae. I pointed out cyanistes caeruleus, periparus ater and parus major. I pointed out that I had known cyanistes caeruleus to be described as 'featherus nibblius cheekii', but that this was probably something in the nature of a jape.

Then, right on cue, entered a small flock of aegithos caudatus and I explained that these do not belong to the genus Paridae at all, but to Aegithalidae, which are African birds more commonly known as 'babblers'.

To my surprise and horror, he said 'They aren't the only ones!' and attempted to grope me in the chest region. So I hit him over the head with a bird table, he jumped over the garden fence and I haven't seen him since. Of course, this disturbed all the feeding birds and it took a good half hour before normality was resumed. How can I prevent garden pests attempting to ruin my paradise of tranquility in the future? Do you think a hand grenade would help?"

I've advised her not to take this route, and to pay more attention to her personal hygiene. Leonard's warning about the 'council house shower' was both timely and pertinent. Whoops, that nearly came out as 'council hose shower' - but that can be useful too.

Getting away with murder - a practical guide. Part 1.

2010-06-29T09:00:00.002+01:00

Some people are problematic. Some people are quite nice until you upset them. Some people are lovely, no matter how horrid you are to them and you'd wish that they'd just leave you alone.

VW golf with colour coded wing mirrors.

Some people you have never met, and you never will because they are either living somewhere silly, like a remote Scottish island or they might just shop at a different supermarket to you. Some people you will meet in a dodgy club or bar (pub if you live in England), and under the influence of alcohol, you'll agree to visit them at their home to view their new decking, only later finding out that it was their strange estranged boyfriend that installed it and not the (expensive) and professional decking installers that they first tell you did it for a great sum of money paid for with a large bankers draft. Now this not need be a problem, unless that thus said estranged boyfriend then decides that you have taken what they see as their property and thus decided to re-arrange their furniture in a manner that they don't approve of and they take to damaging the bonnet (or hood if you live in America) of your Volkswagon Golf.

What you can do about this common problem is difficult. Clearly something must be done to stop the erratic estranged boyfriend causing damage to your Volkswagon Golf, before the engine itself gets dented and stops working properly. Call the police? Yes, perhaps that's a good idea, but the police will demand proof that the estranged boyfriend has caused the damage, and without expensive CCTV footage of this happening, it's difficult to do.

The best approach I tell the many people that come to me with this problem, is to perhaps double check facts when you are being enticed to view a woman's decking. Asking for a invoice from a proper VAT registered company could be a start, or if she doesn't have that information, perhaps just phoning the company involved direct from the bar.

Next time: Getting away with IT.

How to minimise the effects of the VAT increase on your level of self-indulgence and narcissism

2010-06-27T15:50:00.003+01:00

I am often asked how I intend to reduce my contribution to the National Debt, and whether it would be a good idea to send Honey Fungus (Armillaria mellea) to George Osborne. The latter would do no good, as he’d either fry the blighters in butter with a touch of garlic, a squeeze of black pepper and enjoy them for breakfast; either that, or it’d cause a massive reduction in Sherwood Forest.

But as for reducing the National Debt, or at least MY National Debt… VAT will soon be going up to 20%. That’s a lot. It has the potential to calculate a fifth of the cost of everything you purchase of value, and add it on. That means you will only be afford 80% of what you would have been able to afford if we had proper prices. However, there are creative ways around this. VAT is not levied on the following:

• food
• books, newspapers and magazines
• young children's clothing and footwear
• special exempt items - for example equipment for disabled people
(Source: piratesanonymous.ac.uk)

Young children’s clothing and footwear are cheaper. But they only fit smaller people. You have a choice, then, of buying not VATable food, and getting bigger or (and not many people realise this) of not buying any of it, getting smaller and therefore being able to get into cheaper, smaller clothes which were intended for children. Mind you, given the rise in childhood obesity you may not even need to watch your diet.

Of course, VAT is not levied on second-hand goods – particularly helpful if you’re buying gloves – and goods that you nick in the first place are even cheaper! I’ve tried this with clothes, pinching them from the washing lines of my next-door-neighbours. However, I’m only 24, and the neighbours on one side are 126 and the neighbours on the other are nudists. I’ve found that the 126-year-old apparel options have been in and out of fashion approximately 37 times, so it’s just a matter of time before I dare to leave the house wearing their togs.

There are many ways, therefore, of reducing your expenditure yet minimising the effects of looking like a total loser. Just follow this blog to find ways of maintaining your status as cheapskate whilst building up a reputation as a hilarious and highly successful cartoonist!

How can the country save money and rescue the economy?

2010-06-26T14:35:00.000+01:00

Many people have asked me how we as a nation can get out of this terrible mess that the last Government left us in after forcing us to spend money like crazy on exotic holidays and BMW X5's, like there was no tomorrow. I too was caught up in the whole spend spend spend craze. I went absolutely crazy several times buying business cards and bulk buys of gel pens in the good old days, but now it's time to pay off the debts. To be honest I was surprised to get a 'tab' at the local post office in the first place, but Mrs Dawson got carried away just as much as the next man.

Being a reasonable person she has given me another month to settle my account, which I'm confident of doing by making some simple sacrifices. Firstly I won't be allowing the girlfriend/wife to spend more than £38 on any one shopping trip (including the purchase of celebration cake), I will now insist that everyone in the household answers the phone within three rings, and immediately stop the common practice of ignoring the phone and using 1471 to screen calls and call them back all the time. This should reduce the phone bill by at least 70%. Benefits will be cut back, with immediate effect, and the children will now find their allowances are means tested. If they have more savings than me, they will have all benefits stopped immediately.

Of course we can all do our bit to economise, but this won't help the public finances. This is the money that the Government spend on our, or their own behalf.

Example of much cheaper cartoon for possible Government anti-smoking campaign.

I've been thinking of how a humble cartoonist like myself can help the Government to reduce their spending, and I've realised that they spend many thousands on publications, which often contain cartoons and or illustrations. If the Government used much cheaper cartoonists, like myself and others that I know, they could save a lot of money. If someone is reading a leaflet on giving up smoking, or a leaflet on haemorrhoid advice, I'm quite sure that the quality of the illustrations is not of any concern to those people. For a small sum, such as thus £20, the Government could have some really good cartoons (but, perhaps not top notch, or amusing) therefore making instant savings for the nation.

Of course we know that they won't do this, because as the Government before, they like to waste unnecessary money. I'm offering them a solution (I've tweeted a link to this article to my local MP) but it's up to them if they take it. £20, instead of, probably £500. It's not rocket science!

*I can also offer armchair legal advice to parish councils and local political parties.

Hilarious spontanious cartoon.

2010-06-22T09:00:00.000+01:00

After all the alcohol related cartoons of late, I have decided that this blog needs to sober itself up somewhat. Yes, it was interesting to find out about Mr Brights carpet (which doesn't sound quite so bright after his measurement issues), but it's time to move on.

Medical matters can be a wonderful source for humour related cartoons, and here is one of my recent cartoons on the subject. Apparently The Lancet don't publish cartoons, as the, may I say rather snooty receptionist imformed me when I phoned to ask for the email address of the cartoon editor. Well while they might be all knowing about medical matters, clearly they have no idea about humour based cartoons in publications. It must be a very dry read. That's all I can say.

If you have a dry publication, then let me help moisten it with a custom made cartoon for your publication.

Government Spends £17,500 on wine.

2010-06-21T16:21:00.000+01:00

News today reveals that the Government has spend £17,500 on wine since the general election! Going on the read the news report, it sets out that they buy wine young, to benefit from a lower price. I find that quite a ridiculous claim, as when I was young and getting others to buy some wine for me, it cost exactly the same as it did for someone of the legal age.

It seems this Government has taken no time at all to immerse themselves in sleaze. I expected they'd at least wait until the Christmas party before they'd conduct themselves in such an appalling manner. All the while, us poor taxpayers and working mothers are struggling with the constant pressure on our own alcohol budgets/nappy buying. Always offers on cheap cider, but how rare are 2 for 1 offers on nappies? (not that my grown up children need nappies, unless they drink too much White Lightening!). Why can't the Government just buy cheap wine from one of the supermarkets? They could have got at least twice as much booze for less than £17,500. Probably they could have got some special offers or something, like I did only last week in Asda.

It's the population that should be spending record amounts on alcohol since the general election - not the Government!

Do you drink more than you think?

2010-06-19T09:00:00.003+01:00

It's often claimed that people drink more than they think and that this is somehow harmful to them, but I disagree with this idea that people do drink more than they think. Even to have a drink, you have to think things like, what time does the pub open, or will that Advocate from last Christmas still be OK to drink? So instantly, before a single drop of drink has entered, you've already been thinking more than you have been drinking.

Of course once you start drinking, it's quite possible that you start stopping thinking quite as much as you would normally, but even the most drunkard drunk person is still thinking, even if it's such total nonsense as "I wonder what the cat would look like with a mohican" and other such trivial thoughts. It's still thinking!

*This website does not condone drinking of alcoholic beverages, or thinking so hard that you might realise that alcoholic beverages are a valid alternative to real life.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8745555.stm

Wedding Caricatures.

2010-06-18T16:42:00.000+01:00

I've decided that just drawing cartoons for websites and missing cat posters is not lucrative enough. The landlord is due back from his extended stay in Moscow soon, and so I need to make cartooning pay even more than it already has done. I also need some new gel pens since my last lot were melted, still in the WHSmith packaging, in a tragic incident on my bathroom windowsill in this extreme heat we have been having of such lately.

So I've decided that a good way to make some serious money is to give the gift of caricatures are people's weddings. I think I could charge much more than £20 per cartoon for this, and I don't imagine people at a wedding want to sit around too long to have their picture drawn, so I can probably draw 20 caricatures in an hour, therefore thus earning about £500 per hour!

I do find drawing ugly people, freaks if you like, much easier, so I might have to decline drawing normal or plain people and just concentrate on those people who have weird glasses or other interesting facial features. People who look like cartoon characters already would be good. I just need to find a way to advertise to people having freak weddings, and I'm quids in.

Don't worry, I won't get above myself and stop this invaluable resource on the internet. Talent Free is here to stay!!!

Well, it's good to be back after a short break. I do apologise for the lack of posts over the last week or so. My fellow bloggers have been far too busy to assist with the running of this valuable resource, what with various court cases and assisting police with their enquiries, community service and subscription kidnap attempt theme weekends. All very interesting, but sadly not conducsive to running a successful website. I do hope no one's cartooning career has been adversely affected by lack of Talent Free advice.

I eventually managed to follow Leonard's tutorial ...

2010-06-08T00:57:00.003+01:00

Just to prove I can really do it - here's a proper TALENT FREE cartoon! I've found the trick is to draw in low light without wearing my glasses, which ensures effectively that I can't see properly and - bingo! A TALENT FREE cartoon, which I'm sure will sit on a par with Leonard's brilliant and hilarious cartoons!

I think this would be a very good cartoon advert for a very successful company which goes around supplying potholes with a variety of exciting fillings. Except that this pothole hasn't got its filling yet. It's all black to show that it's in shadow, not that it's full of blackcurrant jam with black mould on the top.

How to make people laugh at your business.

2010-06-07T17:31:00.001+01:00

Business is a serious business and nothing more so now that business is in declining from the recession created by Gordon Brown in his last budget. I have some experience of business management and franchise operations ( over 8 months at Burger King alone!) so I feel well placed to advise business people about their businesses.

Firstly, it's important to understand why your business isn't doing so well. Could it be that what you are selling, or the service you are offering isn't suitable for the current ecomonic climate that we all find ourselves in right now? Perhaps you are a luxury goods provider, and people can't afford your luxury goods at the moment, because they have just lost their jobs. Maybe you should think of opening a pound shop on your premises until things pick up a bit?

Pound shops can be an excellent place to conduct business when people haven't got enough money and they need a cheap car cleaning spong and a multipack of hula hoops to see them through the dark days of the worst recession we've ever seen since the last one.

Changing your business is just one step you can take to avoid having to live like a common or garden chav, but while you are busy 'downsizing' your business to something more suited to the economic reality of life these days in post Soviet Britain, you also need to consider that no business can go from high class watch makers and jewellers, to a pound shop without some excellent publicity materials and promotion.

If someone in Angola wants to find a pound shop in Sheffield for instance, you want to get the very best possible search result in Google. It's no good having meta tags or keywords for Sheffield Pound Shop - as all the other pound shops in Sheffield will have gone for that obvious tag. No, what you need is something more specific, like for instances thus this, if your name is David Groat, then what you need is to be number 1 for the search term "david groat, no longer a high class watch maker and jeweller, but now a pound shop until things pick up a bit"

Using this sytem will guarantee you the number 1 spot for anyone anywhere in the whole world who wants to know where the best pound shop is in northern Britain. and searches for that term!

Alongside all of that there services which can be provided by any good popular SEO expert, you will need something eyecatching to attract people to your new pound shop (or whatever scummy type of business you decide to do until things pick up a bit). I suggest that something like a cartoon logo for your shop and publicity material would be a very good start.

Here is an ~~few~~ examples of the sort of cartoon logos that I can create for your business to see you through the recession, and avoid that sale of that much loved kidney.

I can be contacted for quotes for all such commissioned work via my normal contact email address (business email) leonard.gubbins@googlemail.com or HERE

Stress Avoidance. Part 1

2010-06-04T14:41:00.000+01:00

Stress is a modern disease. In the olden days, people didn't get stressed. They had very easy lives, and nothing ever went wrong for them. The most they had to worry about was finding enough food to eat, or how to wash their clothes without a washing machine.

The modern world is a stressful place, and many people suffer from stress and can get quite shouty with other people because they are stressed. Just about everything these days can be a great source of stress. How to make enough money to buy chocolate biscuits for when you have important guests visiting your home, which might have an impossibly sized mortgage on it, which is yet another source of stress.

Fortunately I have some experience of stress counselling, and in this series of articles I will be covering some of the most common sources of stress, to help you and your people cope and manage the stresses that we all have to deal with on a day to day basis.

So don't worry about not being able to pay your mortgage and being made homeless during the worst recession that this country has ever seen, while your children are forced from your grasp and placed in a grim orphanage for the Government to perform medical experiments on them until you clear all your debts and pay back the loan sharks. There is no need to stress!

Next time: How to avoid getting stressed while reading internet blogs.

BGT????

2010-06-01T18:39:00.003+01:00

After watching tv or telly or even the box, but I prefer tv. Not that I am one, mind. Dressing up in a lady's clothes just isn't my thing. Especially as I cant find a decent pair of woman's frilly belows in Primark that don't cut in 'right there'.
( I was trying them on for a friend, if you must know.)
After watching the 'TEEVEE' on Saturday evening I actually started to wonder if Britain has actually got talent.
(She is a female friend. I wouldn't be trying them on for a man/male friend).
I mean, what's so talented about a bunch of grown up/ late teen men throwing around a bunch of young children at great speed & height. If I was to do that with some of the kids on my estate, I'd be up in front of the Beak, pronto 'nd no mistakin' on a charge of child abuse or 'chucking a scratter about willy nilly without the full permission of the rest of the neighbours the little shits have been tormenting'. I hope your reading this Kane, Ashley, Kai, Tyson, Kae-Leeiy, Tasheeniae-Embassy No.6, Bradpitt, Fiddy, June, Benefitcheque & Geoff. I'll have my day!
Body popping whilst wearing your clothes back to front. Come on, fellah. My mate Fat Gaz won a leg of lamb doing that in our local Slug & Lettuce & he'd just ran across the dance floor to hide in the toilets after getting caught nudey prodding with manager's wife thirty seconds earlier.
(I say she's a female friend. I sometimes have second thoughts when looking at her throat & big calloused hands.)
Don't get me started on dancing bleedin' dogs, either!!!!
(Actually, her winky's quite big, 'n' all).
A Britain's Got Talent cartoon is attached & I too, can vomit billiard balls for £20.00.
Paul x

High Definition TV

2010-06-01T15:57:00.000+01:00

I'd like to admit that I don't watch much television these days, but I am very interested in these adverts I keep seeing on the TV that I don't watch about something they are calling High Definition TV (or television). It seems that even really terrible programs are enhanced by this super quality Television pictures available with High Definition TV.

I don't know about you, but I'd certainly like to see the skin pores on Angela Rippons face while she was hosting Cash in the Attic. I imagine she looks amazing for someone of her 'mature' age in years. She may be old, but I'm very much of the opinion that she'll never be an ugly munter. She'll be the best looking corpse in the grave yard, that's for sure. She's not even the sort to take out frivolous restraining orders, unlike pint sized Scottish belters, like Lulu for example.

Anyway, I'm considering buying some HD (high definition) TV this weekend. I'm not sure what I need, but I reckon something around 40" will fit quite nicely in my through lounge alcove.